Dear Ian…

To be honest….I really don’t know. I guess with all the hard work J has put into his sobriety….I don’t feel like it’s my business. If he wanted to share that information he would have and I am respectful enough not to ask. Ian if Suboxone works for you than stay on it. I would never begrudge anyone including J if Suboxone was part of his long term sobriety maintenance. I take a pill every single day for my blood pressure. I am STILL on Wellbutrin for depression which was meant to be temporary but I have never successfully weaned off of. I don’t think anyone judges me for that and if they do it’s really none of their damn business. I 100% believe that Suboxone is a miracle for some, a crutch for others and the devil for the ones that fool around with it. It is your intentions that matter. I wish you success on your sobriety journey and applaud you for however you choose to get there.

Tis the season…

I am always hesitant to post but I doubt anyone really comes on here anymore so I am going to share. J has been sober for over two years. He has fallen in love and moved in with a lovely girl. She is a teacher and they live in a lovely house on a lake. He works long hours at a job he doesn’t love but he has slowly moved up to a postion with responsibility and a salary that allows him to live 100% independently. I am not sure I ever really beleived that was possible.

He is actively involved in a 12 step program as both a participant and a wonderful mentor. He recently spoke at the hospital he went to many moons ago when he was detoxing. He told them his story and hoped that by telling his story he could make them see that it can be done. He is a beautiful human inside and out. The alien I talked about in this blog for a decade is fading in my memory and is slowly turning into just words on a page. He doesn’t know this but he has a servants heart. It brings him joy to help others and he continues to live his life with purpose. I am so proud and I love him so much.

My life is better but I think I need to take a page out of J’s story and start living a life with purpose. I am going to be a Gigi again and I am so excited about that. My daughter is due in March. The little human which is what I call my granddaughter is not thrilled by the prospect of becoming a big sister. She is an incredible child and one day I might anonymously start a blog about her. She is very unique and brilliant. This is not a grandma brag…she is the real deal and a grade skip is in her future and we are not even sure that will be enough. I don’t know if any of you remember Dawn but I find myself missing her. She had gifted grand children and navigated grade skips and advocating for them like a champ. I wish I could speak to her.

My husband remains a workaholic but we will be retiring in the summer of 2023. We are blessed because we are prepared for this next step. My youngest started college and my younger daughter decided to go back to college…they are navigating life admirably. I think all three have learned a lot by watching J struggle. S is EXACTLY the same age as J when he began his addiction journey. S has a very different personality than J and S’s cautious nature makes the odds of him experimenting lower. He has watched J’s journey…. all up close and personal. I hope that is enough of a deterrent.

If you have read this saga thank you! I will try and get back with major life updates as they come…sending healing vibes and prayers for peace for all who are still struggling. I would LOVE to hear updates from all of my long time followers. Good or bad I care! Send me a sign someone is still reading this blog.

I wrote this 5 years ago….It’s still fairly accurate.

I was just thinking about whether I had a theme…ya know about how I live my life.

My husbands underlying theme is work hard and make money. I may not agree with my husbands theme but I have always supported it unconsciously and knowingly. He defines his life by his job, not his wife and definitely not his kids. I think that is kind of sad. I don’t mean this in a bad way nor am I judging him… it just is what it is.

My oldest daughter lives her life serving others. She is fiercely loyal  and a very good person. She likes to be a caretaker and a fixer. It is going to be an exhausting life if she never learns to put herself first.

My younger daughter lives her life the exact opposite of her sister. She is self serving. She is bewildered by her lack of close relationships despite being quite popular. She is going to be very lonely if she doesn’t learn how to put someone before herself.

My youngest son’s theme is to matter and to be heard. He wants to be valued as a smart and capable person. He spends a good part of his day trying to be relevant. This makes me very sad because it seems that I must be doing a poor job as a mother if I can not convince this beautiful child that he means everything to me.

The underlying theme in my life is to be kind. I really mean it. I think I am failing miserably. I am very blunt and at times sarcastic…it’s hard to be those things and kind at the same time.

My son bought a suit….go figure?

My son bought a suit. He is heading to a wedding. It’s silly how this one small accomplishment sent me reeling with happiness and a little bit of shock. It has recently dawned on me that he is an adult and living a life entirely separate from my own. I honestly can say I was never sure this day would actually come. He has moved in with a beautiful and wonderful girlfriend. She is an 8th grade english teacher and has a house on a lake and loves my son exactly for who he is and not in spite of who he was. My heart is so full in that realization. My handsome son is living a life with purpose. He shared something with me the other day….he said “Happy people don’t use mom”. I think it is an over simplification of a very complex journey but I believe him. He doesn’t drink and he lives his life with good intentions. How did I get so lucky to see this day? NA can change lives.

I am more than okay with today and I will let the future take care of itself.

We have lost one of our own…

I have been lost in my own thoughts since I heard the news and struggling. One of the sweetest mom’s who has ever been put on this Earth is dealing with the death of her son. She was an avid blogger and a source for compassion and knowledge for many of us. No mother should be trying to figure out funeral arrangements for a boy who has barely left his 20’s. He should have been starting his real life, hitting his stride….not ending it. He suffered. He struggled with crippling anxiety and depression. My heart aches for his struggle and his moms fight for him.

This mom did everything in her power to save him and when she couldn’t take it anymore….she did more and tried again. She had hope like we all did that her son would get a handle on things and that she too could begin to live a life without the dark cloud of addiction casting a shadow on everything.

I am not publicly sharing who I am talking about because she has not shared this publicly in blog land. She deserves her privacy and time to process what has happened. I am struggling to process this information. It doesn’t matter where our kids are in this journey she is living my worst nightmare. I wish I could say I don’t have to worry about that anymore but even an addict that has been clean for an extended period of time and doing all the right things is not safe.

As a mother of a recovering an addict I am not safe. My son IS at that magic moment….he IS starting his real life, he IS hitting his stride and yet I still worry what will happen if he hits a major obstacle. Will he decide? “Just one more time….” That seems to be a reality for some addicts who experience recovery and then hit a wall. I know I have no control over it but it doesn’t stop the shadow from traveling over my life from time to time. The dark thoughts and what if’s are still there.

I would like to think that her son is at peace because God knows he suffered. Be kind. Remember his mom is still here and she will be suffering the loss of her son for the rest of her life….here on Earth. I know she knows: she certainly didn’t cause it, she couldn’t cure it and she couldn’t control it. I hope she embraces the 3 C’s as she takes the time to grieve the tragedy her family has just experienced.

As for the rest of you, give your children a hug. Speak out when a parent says “I guess I did something right….” because maybe you just got lucky. Lucky that fickle finger of fate did not choose your loved one for this horrible disease. Most of us who were chosen are still trying to figure out how in the world did this wonderful child and his loving NORMAL devoted parents end up here? I know some of you are still thinking “Not my child” I am here to stand testament to the fact that YES, IT COULD HAVE BEEN YOUR CHILD.

 

I am devastated…I just watched the “Pharmacist” on Netflix.

WOw….just wow! I just watched the “Pharmacists”.a documentary on Netflix. I should not be surprised but I am. So many people responsible for this epidemic. SO many people who looked the other way. We intrinsically trust our doctors. We used to believe that BIG Parma had our best interests. If you ever wondered how this can happen to your neighbor next door or you nephew or the girl who used to babysit your kids or the professor at an Ivy League College. This is how it happens…..this is how it happened. No one is immune from this tragedy. Be a part of the solution instead of thinking you are better parents than the couple down the street who just lost their son when he over dosed in their newly renovated basement. I am crushed after watching this. AN entire generation so profoundly impacted that many won’t survive and the people who love them will have to live with it. 😭 I had to call my son and ask if he was okay…..like was he really okay? He said: “Yes mom, I am okay and I love you”. I see him I know he is okay but this shook me to my core. Many addicts who have been clean for years decide….just one more time and it is there last time. 

 

He decided to do it differently this time…

I find myself thinking about this blog a lot lately. There has been so much that has gone on between my first post, my last post and the journey that has come after I stopped posting. I wonder if people imagine everything must be fine now….no news is good news. I wish I could say it has been a straight clean road for all involved but that would be a lie.  I am older, wiser and a little wearier for the wear. I have lost friends, good friends but I suppose that is the way it goes. Life has a way of speeding like a run away train into the future….plans tossed by the way side and hopes revamped on a daily basis. I told too many people about this blog to ever truly be comfortable sharing like I did. I had also become very superstitious about sharing good news because there often seemed a crushing blow would follow. 

Something new has happened….something wonderful. J decided to do it differently this time and because of that the hope I feel is different. Slowly but surely he has made great strides in his life, there has been valleys and dark days but also a lot of clear bright days. J has discovered a family of like minded individuals who embrace sobriety like it is their job. He is living a life with purpose. He discovered there is something else and it works. NA is alive and well in J’s heart. I understand that this is his journey and I don’t have to live my life waiting for the dark clouds to arrive or another shoe to drop. He has for more years than I care to share tried to do it his way by sheer force of will and failed miserably. I have seen him surrender to the process and steps of NA and it is amazing to watch. The future is bright for us all. Sending continued prayers and vibes of peace for all that are still struggling. I am wiser, so I am just going to embrace this exact moment in time and not worry about what the future holds because it is not anything I have ever had control over.  

I can see clearly now…

I have hope….I was not sure I would ever feel that with any ease again. Hope sounds easy but as a parent of an addict who has been in this for the long haul, I can tell you with authority it is not easy…ever. Hope leads to certain future expectations no matter how hard you try not to let it. I only know all to well when I invest too much in future expectations how painful it can be when things don’t measure up. So this paragraph is a public service announcement for myself and anyone else who places to many expectations on feelings of  “hope”.

Having said all that, I can’t help it but I am mindful.  I have hope not just for the immediate “now” but for my son’s future. Things have begun to click and I can see, that he can see clearly now. This is painful for us both but there is also a lot of joy involved too. The painful part is that he can see all the opportunities that he was given and wasted but HE CAN SEE IT! I don’t think he had that ability maybe ever. Addiction narrows your vision to point where you are just existing. Recovery widens that view a little bit but the focus is still just on survival. Then there comes a point where enough recovery time passes and the clouds open up a little and you can see again!

I think my son is there…he can see.  Life has gone beyond survival and not only is he searching for a future but he is taking steps to make it happen. He is setting goals! He is planning for the future and how he fits into that. He has been looking for a career instead of a job. He has a girlfriend and I think he sees himself married to her at some point with a house, a dog and a picket fence. He purchased a very nice car, insurance and  has taken the responsibilities that come with it. The big win is he did it without one ounce of support from me. He didn’t borrow money, have me call for insurance or barter. He just came home with a car. AND HE SET UP A PAYMENT PLAN TO PAY BACK HIS COLLEGE LOAN TO FIX HIS CREDIT! If he makes 6 payments in 6 months that default on his loan will be expunged from his credit history!

Those accomplishments may seem small to some but they open windows and doors for him that will change his life. Having his own car makes him way more employable. Having good credit makes buying or rent a house in the future a real possibility. Paying his car loan, insurance, and college loan means he MUST manage his money and his savings. His father and I have made it perfectly clear that we are willing to let him lose it all, his car, his credit….his everything. We will not bail him out. This a huge accomplishment for us as well. I think that it is such a disservice to our kids even when they are at rock bottom to bail them out. It sends the message that they really aren’t good enough, that they can’t take care of themselves. I told him I won’t disrespect his accomplishments by “fixing” anything ever again. He is an adult and he is finally acting like one. Praise God!

The true test will be when he comes up against something hard, sad or bad. Will he choose to stay the course? Those of you who have blogs of your own will understand these next words. Have you ever posted about hope, joy and good things? Then shortly afterwards everything crumbles? Of course you do….well please everyone collectively pray that this upturn in my sons life is real and not an anomaly. I will walk around with an umbrella hoping to avoid the falling sky for awhile….a long, long while but please please God let this hope and joy be real.

A decade…and I am still powerless.

I wrote the following post years ago. Looking back it might be the most profound thing I ever posted. More years have past and I realize I have been in this game for 10 years or not depending on how you look at it. It is amazing to me how much has changed but also how much remains the same. I am older and more tired than my years. I have great joy in my life and work very hard to not get sucked into anyones game. I am more often than not successful….but on occasion I fail. It’s an anniversary of sorts but I can not precede that word with happy. More than 200,000 visitors have come to this page  and the thought of that makes me weep. I hope my words were a comfort for some and maybe a place to not feel alone on your journey.

2015: I am no longer a newbie and that really sucks! When did I become an experienced mother of an addict? I am getting old…who said that was allowed to happen? I never agreed to any of this.

I have been reading some blogs with parents who are newer to the world of addiction. I can see how much they want their child to get better, to get help and be done with this world. I can also see how much they are willing to do to make this happen. I can remember when I started this blog how naive I was, but also how very desperate I was and I DO mean desperate. I was willing to sacrifice anything including myself to fix it.

I would read the comments left on some of my earlier posts and think: “That parent doesn’t understand, she must not love her child as much as I do”.  God….I was such a fool, please forgive me! Now I want to be the person to comfort that new parent, but also the parent to say STOP! You can not fix your child’s addiction! You can not drag her to meetings or a therapist or even rehab. STOP! Get off the crazy train! Don’t waste your money forcing solutions on your child but most of all don’t sacrifice your physical and mental health for the health of your child. Learn by my mistakes and know that it will not work. YOUR CHILD WILL NOT GET BETTER UNTIL SHE IS READY! So you spending thousands and thousands of dollars on therapy, on rehab, a new school, guitar lessons, trips to get away etc…will not make your child well. Nothing will make your child lose interest in their drug of choice, until they are ready. Screaming, bribing, making deals and contracts until you make yourself throw up, changes nothing except your own well-being. Negotiating with God…nope not working. I think I finally realize it’s not my deal to make. How’s that for an epiphany?

I was a healthy and happy mom of four when this journey started. Now almost 5 years later….I have high blood pressure, had my gall bladder out, lost, gained and lost a large amount of weight and recently had a colectomy. It may sound like I am in my 70’s but I’m not even close. I made myself sick….I truly believe I sacrificed my health in my quest to make my son well.  No more….I will not do that anymore. I need to be there for my husband and all of my children.

My other little golden nugget of information to pass on to a new parent: Relapse should not be taken as a personal insult. I recently had a screaming match with my husband. He was shouting to anyone who was listening: “How can he do this again? Doesn’t he understand he is screwing up everyone’s life not just his own? How can he do this after all the money we have spent on school, lawyers and doctors? How can he do this to ME!!!!!!!” My response: What makes you think this has anything to do with you? Do you think he is relapsing because he wants to piss you off? Do you think if he loved you more he wouldn’t do this? Do you think if you loved him more he would stop? I don’t think I truly understood the meaning of the FIRST STEP until this moment.

I really am powerless over my sons addiction….I love him but I can not control him or his addiction.

Stormy dark clouds…

They seem to follow me every where. As soon as life seems to be firmly on course some atomic bomb comes calling. The silver lining to this is…J seems to really be getting his life together. Bought himself a car, insured it, opened up a checking account and got a credit card all to start building his credit. He works hard and I am proud that he has set sail on a new course. I am fiercely praying it brings him happiness…living a life with purpose really is transforming him.

The stormy dark clouds are not of my making and I resent it terribly. Once again I get to be a passenger on this merry-go-round that I never signed up for. I am not sure I will be able to get through this with out my spirit being irrevocably damaged. Pray for me…that God has a plan and it really is going to be okay because right now it is so hard to see that. This blog has brought me great solace. So here I am again…I am searching for peace and some solace but it is just so very dark. These are my words screaming out loud.