Stormy dark clouds…

They seem to follow me every where. As soon as life seems to be firmly on course some atomic bomb comes calling. The silver lining to this is…J seems to really be getting his life together. Bought himself a car, insured it, opened up a checking account and got a credit card all to start building his credit. He works hard and I am proud that he has set sail on a new course. I am fiercely praying it brings him happiness…living a life with purpose really is transforming him.

The stormy dark clouds are not of my making and I resent it terribly. Once again I get to be a passenger on this merry-go-round that I never signed up for. I am not sure I will be able to get through this with out my spirit being irrevocably damaged. Pray for me…that God has a plan and it really is going to be okay because right now it is so hard to see that. This blog has brought me great solace. So here I am again…I am searching for peace and some solace but it is just so very dark. These are my words screaming out loud.


About madyson007

I am a mom of 4 who thought she was home free when my oldest son went off to college. My serious blunder? Genetics and being naive or maybe just plain stupid.
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13 Responses to Stormy dark clouds…

  1. Kelly Christensen says:

    I have followed you for some time now. You and I share this horrific journey known as our children’s addictions. I have two out of my three boys that have gone down this road. I am sure, like you, I have learned to hang on dearly to the good times and brace for the bad. I will pray for peace and calm for you throughout this next storm. I am so glad to hear your son is doing well.

  2. Annette says:

    I know I have spent so many years and so much of my attention focused on addiction, that when something else, really painful comes up, it totally takes me by surprise! “You mean there are “other” ways to sneak in while I am unaware and hurt me deeply? Other ways besides drug addiction?” Sometimes it feels like its all too much and I begin to see a glimpse of why people isolate and hold people at a distance…which are things that are usually foreign to my daily life. But sometimes I get it, and I wonder if its where I should go too…..just isolate, stop connecting with others, and just hunker down and finish out my days on this earth in some peace.

  3. Lauren says:

    Sometimes in hard times we all go to the “desert.” It takes time to get ourselves
    Together and come back into the real world. Someone said that to me the other day as I was speaking about my son who has been gone for 5 years. I finally have collored my hair again , I was able to put up a Christmas tree before Christmas and feel myself looking at babies and liking them again, not feeling sad whenever I see a baby. My son passed at 22, he wasn’t a baby but for some reason I couldn’t even look at babies. She said, You are coming out of the desert. Remember Jesus went into the desert. So we aren’t alone in how feel. The key is maybe giving ourselves permission to be in the desert and that it is ok. Not to beat ourselves up but go to our desert and come out when we can .

  4. Gwynn Torres says:

    We get caught up for so long in addiction trauma, that when life throws punches from other directions, we are blindsided. I’ve been dealing with watching my mom die a slow death all this year. Caring for her has made me exhausted and feeling old. I know this time will pass, but there is comfort in reconnecting with others who bear similar battle scars. Sending you prayers and support.

  5. LBB says:

    Hi Madyson,

    I just wanted to leave a comment letting you know how much I appreciate your blog. I read all your entries in two days and I’ve been thinking about your family since. I am a daughter in recovery, if you will. I began my love for opiates after a nasty car accident at 20, prescribed Percocet then oxy for six months. That is all it took to kick-off an addiction spanning 14+ years. Unlike you, my family chose to ignore every warning sign and, to this day, still do. The sad part is I am STILL struggling to find that inner peace and stay clean forever more, 14 years later.

    I can see how your mindset has changed over the years but you’ve never totally given up hope. For that, J is sooo extremely lucky. I wish my parents would have confronted me at a much younger age. Or ever really. Love won’t fix your son’s problems but once he looks back and sees how hard you fought for him, whether he knew it or not, that should be a defining moment in his recovery. Knowing your parents love you unconditionally is priceless IMO.

    Anyways, despite some screw ups (which I fixed on my own, no rehabs ever), I have made a decent life for myself. Finished college after a few failed attempts, I am married, have a daughter, and own my own home. I cannot lie and say addiction isn’t part of my every day life; it’s always a nagging – and typically fleeting – thought. But sometimes it manifests into a relapse. I’ve never “lost it all” and most people would NEVER guess I am on suboxone but that is my reality. I’ve managed to stay 100% clean (no suboxone) for several long stretches in my life but I always went back. This is where you are SO spot on – me taking a pill each morning is keeping me from actively using opiates but I have yet to work thru the issues in my life that have perpetuated my addiction. I am active in therapy (four years straight now) but I am miles away from where I need to be mentally. I suppose I am halfway there but I know I have a long road ahead of me. And a huge secret on my shoulders as my parents will forever bury their heads and pretend we are a perfect model family.

    If anything, I just want to thank you for being a great mother. I can feel your emotions thru your blog over the last seven years and IF a mother’s love could cure addiction, your J would have been “cured” a long time ago. I hope this holiday season brings you and your family genuine happiness. Holidays are a hard time of the year (why the heck is that?!) but they can sometimes bring new hope and I wish that to be the case for you and yours.

    Much love & respect,

    • madyson007 says:

      I just had myself a nice long needed cry. You are an angel sent to touch my soul. Your beautiful post was just what I needed to hear. I had such lofty goals for my children. Now my secret wish is for my children to be happy. I wish the same for you L. I think I have come to accept that addiction and recovery are imperfect. I appreciate the struggle…it is part of what makes you you. You are going to be okay L. I can feel it…just keep swimming in the right direction. Come up for air and set a new course when you need too. Much love heading your way.

      • LBB says:

        Happiness is paramount and I too hope my daughter finds her happy! 🙂 I appreciate you taking the time to respond also. Your words of encouragement definitely made me tear up too, in the best possible way. Cheers to a joyous holiday season and peace for all…at least for a day or two. Fingers crossed!

        All the best,

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