Addiction sucks. It sucks for the addict and for anyone who loves them. The experience is so profound It changes who we are. We all know that only our children can save themselves but we are more than willing to suspend reality and fight for our kids even when they won’t. Ot maybe It’s their inability to fight for themselves that compel us to try even when it seems futile. I don’t care how highly evolved you are on the 12 Step Chain…you can only do what you can do. Sometimes that means turning our backs on our addicts and hoping they figure it out or embracing them even at the worst of times. We are human and I just can’t help but think we need to forgive ourselves for decisions we make because they all come from the best place in our hearts. Love is a powerful emotion but love is not magic. We can not wave our wands and love our children back to health.
All is well in my world, not perfect but I am okay and so is J. I continue to hurt for the many who still struggle and are not okay. I wish peace for us all with a good amount of happiness thrown in even during the darkest times.
She lives down the street and I have known her for years. It shouldn’t surprise me but it does. A mom is going through hell watching her daughter suffer the consequences of addiction. I know this mom is having all the feelings of hopelessness and despair that we all have in the beginning. I want her to know she is not alone. I am REPOSTING from the very beginning of my blog ….7 years ago. In fact very few people were reading it at that time. It perfectly describes the despair and hopelessness that we all felt at the beginning of this journey.
These are my words screaming out loud…
I am a mom who has made a serious blunder. I am not sure where or when everything started to go wrong but I recognize profoundly that I must have had something to do with it. Perhaps I am even the cause of it. My oldest son is an addict. I look at him and can still see the promise of all things great but those visions of a successful future grow dimmer each day. He recently got out of rehab and I want with all my heart to believe that all things are possible again but I can see cracks in that facade already. He is up late and sleeping most of the day. He has attended a handful of meetings after promising to do 90 meetings in 90 days. I asked him to take a drug test yesterday and he refused. He has cashed a paycheck that belonged to him but he gave to us to cover some of his legal fee’s. He has no job, no direction and no plan on how to change those things. How can so many sincere promises go so wrong so fast?
I am at loss of how to help him. I recognize that I am enabling him but am painfully unable to stop myself. I feel like we are all standing on this very fragile house of cards and one wrong move by any of us and all will be lost. He doesn’t recognize how tied up I am in his inability to make sensible adult choices. I don’t want to be tangled up in his life choices but I am his mom and to not be entangled in his life would mean giving up and walking away…how can I do that? Nor does he recognize the wedge he has driven between our family. I wish he could see the impact his behavior has on his brother and sisters. His seventeen year old sister who loves him dearly has lost all respect. She doesn’t understand why it is not as black and white for us, as it is for her. She is scared of him now and of his lack of respect for all of us. His nine-year old sister wants to know why her mommy is crying again or tired and cranky from lack of sleep. His six-year-old brother doesn’t even ask where his brother is anymore because he can see the tension on his parents faces…that they have no real idea where or what his brother is doing.
He could go to sleep tonight and wake up in the morning and make this the first day of a new life, but is so entrenched in old habits and bad behaviors, so he chooses not to. He clings to all his old feelings and idea’s, thinking that he knows how to change his life but makes identical choices from his old life. Half heartedly telling himself he is trying and if we could all just leave him alone everything will be fine. What he seems to not see is that I wish more than my own life is that I could see those changes he thinks he is making so I can pat him on his back and let my guard down. Saying things are “different” is not the same as showing us that things are different. What they are is just words…and those I have heard before. I don’t want to hear “I am sorry”. I want to see remorse, a change, a new attitude. I want my old son back so badly I ache. The pain is so deep it is beginning to feel like a slow death and I am mourning the loss of all those hopes and dreams I had for him.
It is excruciating for both my husband and I, to relive this tragic yet familiar addiction story because indeed that is what we are both doing right now…but that my friend is a story I will save for another night.
On July 4th my mom hit her head, we took her off of life support a few days later. It broke my heart. J fell apart emotionally but held it together and I was proud of that accomplishment. Six weeks later, on August 16th my dad passed away of a broken heart. It just all seems so unfair but I guess thats what it feels like when you lose the ones you love. I am broken. J remained stoic and clean and for that I am ever grateful. I can’t say that I really paid much attention to J’s sobriety. I was and still am dealing with the death of my parents. Some days are harder than others and some days are just impossible. Today I heard more horrible news.
One of my best friends, Barbara from Surrendering Into Serenity , shared such sad news. Her Anthony passed away yesterday from an overdose. I am just so damn angry and sad. I am sad that a young man lost his life….that my friend lost a person who was like a son to her. I am just so upset that this keeps happening. He wasn’t just a junkie…he was loved! He had a family and friends who will miss him. I think the rest of the world may see’s addicts as invisible or just some kid who OD’d but they are all so much more than that.
Hug your kids….call your mom… and tell your dad he is your hero… because nobody knows what tomorrow will bring. Things can change in one instant… don’t have regrets.
I can’t do this anymore. If you have something to say…I would love to hear from you all but I won’t be posting anymore. I will be checking in from time to time so if you need me leave a message and I will get back to you. Continued prayers to all my blogging friends and their addicts. I have reached my limit and I am checking out. Thank you for all your love and support.
I hurt for my friends… who are not spending Mother’s Day with their entire family. I am not sure I should share but good news is great to hear sometimes too. J asked me this morning if he could take me out to breakfast for Mother’s Day. I said “You mean…you buy?” and he said “Of, course.” which actually made me chuckle a little because it wasn’t long ago that there was no “Of course” about it. Then I got a little choked up….he looks so good, tan and strong with his blonde streaks and big blue eyes. He looked like my son and it was a little shocking for a moment. I don’t think he has been perfect….There have been a few times where I think hmm…I wonder if he used….Do his pupil’s look small? I trust my gut and it says: yes he did, but he stopped and got right back on track. I am proud of him. He gets up early 6 days a week and isn’t home before 7:30 in the evening. He paid off most of his fines and got his drivers license reinstated.
We are all heading to dinner right now except for my “Bama Girl” because she is still in Bama. There is a very exciting story that goes along with this news but I am going to save it for another day…it deserves its very own post!
Please reach out to a mom that has had more than her fair share of grief. Take the time to offer some comfort and leave a message. Dear God please help her…
J has been up at 7:00am and gone until 7:00pm….6 days a week. This kid is working hard. His body aches but he looks so handsome with his tan and beautiful scruffy face. I also know he is probably making decent money and you all know what that means. <sigh> I wish it didn’t mean relapse but money is J’s NUMBER ONE biggest trigger. I am keeping positive. Also, keeping my fingers and toes crossed because J has been doing really well. I try not to be too invested when I look into those cool blue eyes but happily so far all I see is my intelligent son with perfectly sized pupils. He seems to be looking towards the future but if I have learned anything in this journey life is a crap shoot you never know how the dice will roll.