I have hope….I was not sure I would ever feel that with any ease again. Hope sounds easy but as a parent of an addict who has been in this for the long haul, I can tell you with authority it is not easy…ever. Hope leads to certain future expectations no matter how hard you try not to let it. I only know all to well when I invest too much in future expectations how painful it can be when things don’t measure up. So this paragraph is a public service announcement for myself and anyone else who places to many expectations on feelings of “hope”.
Having said all that, I can’t help it but I am mindful. I have hope not just for the immediate “now” but for my son’s future. Things have begun to click and I can see, that he can see clearly now. This is painful for us both but there is also a lot of joy involved too. The painful part is that he can see all the opportunities that he was given and wasted but HE CAN SEE IT! I don’t think he had that ability maybe ever. Addiction narrows your vision to point where you are just existing. Recovery widens that view a little bit but the focus is still just on survival. Then there comes a point where enough recovery time passes and the clouds open up a little and you can see again!
I think my son is there…he can see. Life has gone beyond survival and not only is he searching for a future but he is taking steps to make it happen. He is setting goals! He is planning for the future and how he fits into that. He has been looking for a career instead of a job. He has a girlfriend and I think he sees himself married to her at some point with a house, a dog and a picket fence. He purchased a very nice car, insurance and has taken the responsibilities that come with it. The big win is he did it without one ounce of support from me. He didn’t borrow money, have me call for insurance or barter. He just came home with a car. AND HE SET UP A PAYMENT PLAN TO PAY BACK HIS COLLEGE LOAN TO FIX HIS CREDIT! If he makes 6 payments in 6 months that default on his loan will be expunged from his credit history!
Those accomplishments may seem small to some but they open windows and doors for him that will change his life. Having his own car makes him way more employable. Having good credit makes buying or rent a house in the future a real possibility. Paying his car loan, insurance, and college loan means he MUST manage his money and his savings. His father and I have made it perfectly clear that we are willing to let him lose it all, his car, his credit….his everything. We will not bail him out. This a huge accomplishment for us as well. I think that it is such a disservice to our kids even when they are at rock bottom to bail them out. It sends the message that they really aren’t good enough, that they can’t take care of themselves. I told him I won’t disrespect his accomplishments by “fixing” anything ever again. He is an adult and he is finally acting like one. Praise God!
The true test will be when he comes up against something hard, sad or bad. Will he choose to stay the course? Those of you who have blogs of your own will understand these next words. Have you ever posted about hope, joy and good things? Then shortly afterwards everything crumbles? Of course you do….well please everyone collectively pray that this upturn in my sons life is real and not an anomaly. I will walk around with an umbrella hoping to avoid the falling sky for awhile….a long, long while but please please God let this hope and joy be real.