and this one was no different. He was arrested last night for possession and DUI. Interestingly he may not have actually been under the influence of anything, probably because he had not gotten the chance to use yet. He of course called me and asked if I could pick him up and I of course said no. His girlfriend picked him up and brought him home. I am at a complete loss??? What happens now? His car, which is actually our car is impounded. He will lose his license. He is on probation and probably headed to jail. We don’t want to pay for a lawyer again so he is going to have to get a public defender which means he is really doomed. I am numb and feel physically ill. I am going to pick up our car which he will no longer have access to ever again. What do I do? I am afraid if we ask him to leave now we are going to push him head first back into the drugs full time 24/7. Believe it or not he is an intermittent user meaning he uses for a couple days stops for a few days sometimes weeks. It is part of the reason he thinks he has this all under control. IDIOT!
I must have done something seriously wrong…my bad genes are going to doom us all. My beautiful oldest son who was a straight A student and going to work in tv production and editing is an addict and is going to jail and there isn’t a damn thing I can do about it. Why do they have a local Police Blotter? Why not just call it the humiliation blog. Do you guys have that in your town? A place where they announce to the world that your son is a stupid addict who was arrested for blah blah blah…I am considering taking up drinking.
A Mom's Serious Blunder... 
First of all, don’t blame this on yourself. You did not cause it, can’t cure it. I am glad you did not get him because you would just teach him that you run to his rescue every time he gets into trouble. I work for an attorney who takes on a lot of criminal court appointed cases and he does a great job for his clients. Truth is, most of them don’t even show up for an appointment with him before court! We also have the police blotter in our local paper. I don’t really understand what kind of purpose it serves. My daughter, straight A student, college graduate, convicted felon, Oxy addict, living on welfare with her idiot husband and two little babies. I cringe every time I think about it. Hang in there. Hopefully things will get better. Hugs to you.
You did not cause this, can’t cure it and you really can’t control it. My son has had 2 DUIs, all before he was 21 which is the legal drinking age where I live. He had court appointed attorneys but he just didn’t comply with what he was supposed to do. It finally caught up to him and he did a little jail time. He still can’t get his license until he pays the rest of the fines and does the DUI class. I remember those days thinking how awful it was, how embarrased I was as not only do we have a police blotter but a website for people that are in jail and I work at the Courthouse! It has taken me a long time, it is a process to step out of their way and allow them to learn from their mistakes, walk their own path, and never give up hope that their path leads to recovery. Take it one second at a time if you must, but try to stay present and take care of you. We have similar situations, my son is now on formal prop. 36 probation and looking at either rehab or jail. If he blows this one, he will be in jail. I just keep praying and trying to live my life in some sort of peace. (((HUGS)))
I don’t blame myself for what others decide to do. I have no experience with addiction or children who are addicts/alcoholics. However, I have learned that I don’t help when I try to take away their pain by enabling. I just make things worse for everyone.
This may be the beginning of recovery for your son! Jail and then court-ordered rehab is what opened my son’s eyes and gave him time drug-free. You may not be able to get the car out – they kept my son’s car for 90 days court ordered and by then, the daily fines had surpassed $2000, so we signed it over to the towing place. I pray for you and your son daily!
So Sorry. Looks like you wont have to put him out the law will take him in. Wish I had some words of wisdom but dont beat yourself up. Our children, god bless them, are going to do whatever and you can’t change that. Maybe jail will make him get it. Not sure if he has been there before but something needs to shake him up. I pray for your son and for you. You need to stop blaming yourself. I know easier said than done. Dont worry about what others are thinking about you either. We have people staring at us and my daughter is getting better and that is all I care about. Everyone has issues in their family, some just dont know it. This heroin use is a real epidemic. I will be praying for you both.
2am calls suck. it sucks that you are owning his shit. it is not yours and so what if it is posted. it is not about you, it is about him. and anyone who thinks ill about it isn’t your freind anyway. life is not a bed of roses. you need a spa day, get out and get away for a bit. go do something nice for yourself, you deserve the happiness and joys in life, not any of this.
It is not your fault. He makes his choices. Still doesn’t help how hard this is for you to watch him go through. I wouldn’t let him drive the car now, but I wouldn’t kick him out of the house, just follow your boundaries and let the police/courts decide. That’s my thought.
Praying for you and J.
Oh Sweetie. I remember having so many of the EXACT same thoughts go through my head. I didn’t even read the comments above, I know they have good solid advice in them. I will repeat what I think everyone said: its NOT your fault! And his life is NOT over. He can still choose to follow his plans. Not sure about your state, but here they are usually willing to work with most non-violent offenders and he can possibly get this stuff off his record. Keven will not have a felony once he’s done with the program he’s in. So please don’t lose hope for the future. Just focus on today. Today it is not going to hurt him to not have a car, and to be humiliated and upset. Yes, we do have a Police Blotter here and a site where you can look up someone’s entire criminal background – Keven has a list of stuff and looks like a hardcore bad guy! If anyone who happens to see your son on their and judges you for it – well they have NO CLUE what it feels like and they may have to find out someday.
I have thought of taking up drinking in the past too just to drown out all the bad stuff – I’m glad I didn’t because the bad stuff got better (for the most part). I hope it does for you too.
Awwwww man! I really hate to see you saying YOU must have done something wrong! YOU didn’t do anything wrong – HE did something wrong! We all make our choices! Please don’t blame yourself. Been there, done that, got the t-shirt. It doesn’t work. Case in point: My son’s girlfriend comes from the worst sort of family. Her mother is addicted to Hydrocodone (Vicodin). Her brother is in jail for armed robbery. Her sister is a lazy ass who does absolutely NOTHING day in and day out except for mooch off of anyone who’s stupid enough to let her. But the girlfriend? A senior in high school (will be the first in her family to graduate – next month!), honor roll student, who’s not a lick of trouble EVER!
Our town has the police reports in the paper too. Imagine my embarrassment when they ran a whole story about my son aiding the local meth-maker by purchasing the cold pills for him. HORROR! I live in a very small town, and own my own business here. A business that USED TO have my name on it. I have since changed it, so that my last name can’t be correllated to his last name. Don’t want to lose business over him! I completely understand the embarrassment!
HUGS to you and prayers for your son. I suspect he will do a bit of jail time, unless he can talk them into court-ordered rehab. Either way, this may be a blessing in disguise!
First my heart aches for you because I have been there…we all have been there. It is not your fault, you do not have bad parenting genes, it doesn’t matter that it is on the police blotter because every single family you know…EVERY ONE OF THEM…has stuff going on in their family. More people understand and experience this than you think. Your recovery is about you letting go of blame and anxiety, and simply loving and caring about him, without enabling him. He will have to face his consequences and he will have to learn from them. But you can’t even make that happen…he has to want it. It is not over. My niece, over 10 years of a hard-core addict, prostituted herself to get drugs, had multiple arrests, including more than one felony (we were all worried about 3 strikes when it came to her), has come out on the other side and at 28, she is clean for 2 years, step mother to a lovely little boy, has a man (never a druggie) that loves her deeply knowing her history, and she completed drug court and everything was wiped off her record except the one last felony (and she can live with that). The point is that this may be his beginning to face his life and his choices, and it may not be. So you have to keep loving him, keep having hope and take care of yourself. The healthier you are, the more he will learn from you. And by the way, the car is yours, get it back and never give it back to him. That was a privilege/gift and he hasn’t earned either a privilege or a gift. I am praying for you and your son.
I wanted to add one thing. In the past when I would blame myself and my parenting mistakes, I would ask myself if I felt my own Mother was at fault for the many mistakes I made in my youth. My answer was always no. Sometimes it helps to look at it from a different perspective.
Renee, excellent point!
You are so right. Phone calls after midnight are never good.
Yes, our little town has a weekly newspaper with a police blotter. In fact on there website they post the police calls daily. It is a shame when you search the archives for our last name his arrest reports come up along with all the work we did for the schools and school board and honor rolls of cousins kids and everything else. But it is what it is.
There is a lot of really good advice from all of the others. I am not going to repeat so just keep moving forward.
Be strong, hold on to hope.
yah. i often wonder where i went wrong too, then i pull my head out of my ass….
all of our kids were straight a honor roll children. thats why it is so hard for us. well, among other things like knowing they are shooting heroin up their veins…
firstly, part of the reason they continue to use is that there are no consequences for using. we still (i say we as a group..sort of) still feed them, sometimes give them money, pay for lawyers, pay for rehab, let them come over to do laundry, let them live with us time and again…etc….ad infinitum
why should they stop? because we tell them it’s not good for them? when have they EVER listened to us as parents anyway?
how many kids have you raised? how many of them are heroin addicts? if nothing else, think of that. only raised one child? it’s still not your fault.
best advice? there isn’t any. in reality, STAY AWAY FROM THE SITUATION. don’t allow him in your house, don’t talk about or listen to the whole thingy with him on the phone….if the subject comes up just say…
this is not my problem son. i didn’t do it, YOU did it. so YOU deal with it. I don’t want to hear about it, it is YOUR problem.
Madyson,
Like everyone said, you didn’t cause this, and you didn’t do it. You can’t worry about what others think. If they think poorly of you, their kids are most likely still under ten years old! Their day will come, when they learn that their precious babies have free will and they can exercise it, whether you approve of their choices or not.
I’ll leave you with this thought, something that friends told us when our boys got caught up in this world of drugs: God is the perfect parent, after all He is God! As a perfect parent, every single one of His kids has rebelled against Him, beginning with Adam and Eve.
You do not have bad parenting genes; you have a broken heart.
Praying for you and sending hugs your way,
Cheri
From the moment I first saw the title of your blog I’ve been intrigued because there were times when I also felt that I must have done something to cause all this. Now I’ve come to realize that while I did not provide optimum parenting, it wasn’t all that bad and that I have 2 other functional grown children to show for it. Yes, I could have done better, but I don’t believe the outcome would have been any different. My daughter is who she is, she’s hard wired the way she is and has been since birth. I see that now. You also have other children who show that you must be doing something right. Please believe it, but don’t censor yourself or worry about P. Whatever you feel is perfectly valid and you have to find your own truth.
You’re right about those 2:00 AM phone calls. My phone rang at 2:00 last night and much to my relief,it was no one.
As for the police blotters – the modern day Scarlet Letter! I guess if the shoe fits…Although I do think it leans toward guilty until proven innocent.
You were right on about not bailing him out, not paying for a lawyer, and no more car privileges. Stick to your guns!
But you are very wrong to blame yourself. Your parenting did NOT cause his addiction, it can’t control it, and it can’t cure it. This is where Alanon can help you actually come to believe that. And if addiction is in your genes, that’s not under your control either. My husband and his mother are both alcoholics, so I guess my daughter got those genes from them.
As for letting your son live with you, that’s a tough call. My husband and I fight about that all the time. Do we do the tough love and kick her out? She’s not even trying to be clean. She’s using illegal drugs to self-medicate for her mental illnesses, and she’s resisting therapy AGAIN. I’m leaning towards kicking her out, and he’s not. It has destroyed our marriage of 23 years.
We have a police blotter too. My daughter hasn’t made it there yet, but I pretty much expect that she will before long. And there’s nothing I can do about it. And I no longer lose sleep over it. I still talk to her, spend time with her, encourage her to make good choices, but I can’t control what she ends up doing. All I can do is meet her wherever she is today. That’s what detachment with love is all about.
Oh, and I hope your comment about thinking about taking up drinking was a joke. I started thinking I needed a glass of wine at night to help me sleep because I was so stressed out about my daughter’s addiction. Then it was two glasses. That’s when I got a therapist and went to Alanon. The last thing I needed was to have an addiction of my own!
Hang in there. Work on yourself and let your son work on himself.