Just breathe…

I LOVE and appreciate all of you who offer support, even the brutal truth I know I need to hear.  BUT I find myself censoring my writing lately and I don’t like that feeling. I know that what I post is not always politically correct in regards to everyone’s al-anon/nar-anon beliefs.  I also am totally aware that my thoughts are all over the place, part of it is my ADhD and part of it is my personality.  The purpose of me starting this blog was to keep a diary of my feelings.  It was a place where I could put down rational and not so rational thoughts.  The main reason being…when I post it almost always brings a sense of relief.  I felt even more relief when I realized others were reading my blog.  It was like I didn’t need to carry this burden alone, that you my friends were there for me, making this really crappy situation feel a little bit kinder.  That being said, I can not apologize for my irrational thoughts of my husband and my genetic jackpot of doom because it is an unfortunate feeling that prevails.  I am truly a perky little thing in general, but that is not what this blog is about and I apologize for that too.  I sometimes wish I had the desire to write about my adorable 6 year old blue-eyed boy or my gorgeous 17 year old girl or my mind boggling 10 year old named Madison who has inspired my screen name, but it is just not what this blog was intended for.  There is no relief in that.  I would really like to hear what inspired some of you to start blogging?

Do you know the song “Breathe (2 AM) by Anna Nalick?

The lyrics were an inspiration for me starting a blog.  (Kind of ironic after my last post) When I first heard the song, this particular verse  really struck a chord in me and was an epiphany…that maybe I could feel better, if I got all these feelings out on a page.

2 AM and I’m still awake, writing a song
If I get it all down on paper, it’s no longer inside of me,
Threatening the life it belongs to
And I feel like I’m naked in front of the crowd
Cause these words are my diary, screaming out loud
And I know that you’ll use them, however you want to

I guess we all read blogs and tend to take what we need from them.  I think I am going to worry less about being politically correct…even if it makes me feel more vulnerable…but for right now I am going to just breathe.

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About madyson007

I am a mom of 4 who thought she was home free with her oldest son when he went off to college. My serious blunder? Genetics and being naive or maybe just plain stupid.
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10 Responses to Just breathe…

  1. Cheri says:

    Hi Madyson,

    When I comment on one of your posts, please know my heart’s intent is only to offer encouragement and support, never to cause you to feel judged or leave you with the thought that you need to censor your feelings. Feelings have no IQ, so rarely are they rational or logical.

    I am glad that your blog is a place you feel you can get the stress and ick out of you. I understand that totally; that’s how I use my journal. Just as you have described, once it’s out of me and on the paper, the problem is less overwhelming. I feel an immediate sense of relief; the problem is still there, but its control over me is less.

    For any part I may have played in making you feel you need to censor what you write, please forgive me.

    Hugs and prayers,
    Cheri

  2. DAWN M MCCOY says:

    OMG!! I AM THE last person in the world who worries about political correctness LOL. Just write what you need to write and be damned to anyone who doesn’t like it. There are several bloggers I don’t follow anymore becuz we just don’t see eye to eye. If people don’t want to read what you write then they just simply don’t have to visit your blog!!

  3. Syd says:

    I have heard that there are not “musts” in Al-Anon. It took me a while to understand that the paths we take may vary. I am still seeking serenity but my route may be circuitous. I don’t compare myself to others but just keep on moving along the path. I will eventually get to that place of serenity. Hang in there. Be gentle with yourself.

  4. Renee C. says:

    Your feelings are your feelings and if this serves a purpose and gets your feelings out and helps others (which it does) go for it. I support you.

  5. Sherry says:

    To answer your question about what inspired me to start blogging, it was a combination of searching for knowledge/wisdow concerning addiction, co-dependency and enabling; to hopefully help others and to know I wasn’t alone. Most likely many of us parents of children with addiction problems began for similar reasons.

    My blog has evolved into a place where I also talk about my other interests, family and some poetry. It has been very therapeutic. I have taken some of the focus off of my son and onto myself.

    Hopefully, you will continue to post unmonitored blogs and take what you need/want from comments and leave the rest!

  6. Renee says:

    I also started my blog in hopes of gaining insight and finding others who had children that were addicts. I have gained so much insight and support from my blog. I don’t censor any of my writings and take the comments that help me and leave the rest. We are all on the same path, just at a different mile marker. Some have had years of dealing with this, while others are just starting the path. We are all so different but share things in common. You say what you want, it is your blog and if others don’t agree so be it. (((HUGS)))

  7. Lisa Carp says:

    First, I hope you never feel censored. It is YOUR blog, to write what makes you feel better, what you want to share, what you want to ask, what you want us to know. And I learn from every blog I read and I think about what every person says, including you, every day.

    What inspired me to write my blog? I had a colleague blogging about her journey dealing with breast cancer; and it seemed to help her. I thought, “I’m on a journey with my son’s addiction…maybe it will help me.” I also wanted close friends to stop asking me “How’s Bryan?” and I thought if I write it down, they can find out how Bryan is, without asking me directly. Then a miracle happened, someone in our community commented on my blog and then I had many friends show up and they all understood what I was going through, they understood the angst of their child stealing from them, telling lies to them, manipulating them, and they understood that I was enabling and trying to figure out the difference between enabling and loving/helping. And they all helped me. They made me feel better…less alone. And they helped educate me; and mostly they gave me courage to have Hope and Faith that whatever happens is supposed to happen. Thank you for askign the question about why I do this.

  8. Your unique perspective is what is interesting about you and your blog, so don’t dilute it.

    Anything you are brave enough to say, there are probably others thinking and feeling the same thing who don’t dare but appreciate that you did.

    It helps to hear other perspectives…it’s something we can check our own experience against.

    Keep up the good work!

  9. HerBigSad says:

    I hope you’ll keep just blurting what you feel out there – it helps you, it helps us! Who cares if it’s politically correct, or whatever.

    Someone once told me “feelings are not right, or wrong, they just ARE.” And there’s nothing wrong with having any feeling, ANY SINGLE ONE. There might be an issue with acting on a feeling (if it hurts someone else, or ourselves), but feelings Just Are.

    So I just have mine, recognize them if I have that much clarity at the time, and deal with ’em!

    As for when/why I started blogging…. I sat there one day, overwhelmed and thought, “there are blogs about everything. wonder if there are blogs for moms of addicts.” I literally googled. I think I found Dawn first and read it through (before she went private) and Lou was a close second. I think I read Lou’s in its entirity one Friday night!

    Bingo! I wasn’t alone. Somehow, this was different from sitting in meetings at rehabs with other families, or sitting in Alanon. I don’t know how to explain it. I started mine the next day. Nothing in my ten year journey has helped me as much as this community of bloggers. God bless us one and all!

  10. Sheila says:

    One of the sayings in Alanon is “take what you like and leave the rest”. Not everything spoken at Alanon reaches everybody. We are all at different places on different journeys, with different personalities and different personal hells that we live in. But at nearly every meeting, there is SOMETHING that someone says that will resonate with me.

    Your feelings are valid. Say what you feel, on your blog, and in your life. If anyone invalidates your feelings, shame on them. Don’t let them do it.

    One of the horrible effects of living with addicts is that I squashed my needs and my feelings in an attempt to control and help them, to the point where I was physically, emotionally and spiritually ill, and headed down a path to mentally ill as well. Alanon and therapy together saved me.

    I hope you can find a way to give yourself some serenity. You deserve it.

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