First, I do know when my son is high and when he is not. If I have learned anything in this journey it is that…it may take me a couple of days but I can tell. Second, just exactly what kind of help do you suggest I get before I kill my son? I can stand on my head, call intervention and commit him into a mental institution…what I can’t do is make him get better. ONLY he can do that. I search for knowledge every day to gain the tools I can to help him but there is no one formula that I am aware of that cures addiction. So I TRY everyday and when he fails we start over and we try again because we love him and that is the only thing we can do. If what I am doing is not working then by all means FUCKING tell me what will.
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A Mom's Serious Blunder... 
I have people leave me crazy comments sometimes too. Just brush it off, they don’t have a clue if they don’t walk in your shoes.
I have a few questions for Jeff:
1. Are you still actively using?
2. Are you a parent?
3. If so, is your child an addict?
I think you meant well by your comment but having kept reading silently would have probably been a better choice.
J’s parents are doing what they believe is best for their son. There is no one answer that works for everyone. Not all addicts are lying every time their lips move, but us parents KNOW how clever and manipulative and deceitful our children can be and usually know when they are lying. We want so much to believe them that sometimes we allow ourselves that little reprieve of thinking the best. And SOMETIMES they aren’t lying and they are clean and it really is the end of the using.
I think anyone that was told they were represented on an episode of Dr. Phil would be defensive and insulted – I sure would be.
Its easy for someone outside the family to point out all the flaws and make it sound like the parents are the ones that are doing something wrong. I can assure you, us parents KNOW on a gut level how our children will react. My son, for example, would most likely be dead right now if I had kicked him out on the street. He’s alive and doing fairly well. I’m glad I followed my own guts instead of Dr. Phil or several of my friends.
FYI,
This blog is a place for this mother to share her heart and speak honestly. She is always open to helpful suggestions but your comment felt accusatory and arrogant.
Barbara: To answer your questions.
1. No I have not used ANYTHING in just shy of 9 months (and counting)
2. Yes, I am the parent of a 24 yr/o girl and 22 yr/o boy.
3. No, to the very best of my knowledge, neither are addicts.
I am in no way an expert in any of this – including my own addiction. All I can say is that from much of what I read, from what professionals on television like Dr. Phil, Dr. Drew, and the Intervention series, say together with professionals who have written wonderful books, including Rod Colvin, Dr. Urschel, III and many others, Becoming co-dependant in the illness if addiction is clearly not going to help.
Being a parent, I know what it must begin to be like to have to consider stopping the support that is enabling a child to continue in their addiction. Unfortunatly, sometimes, it is the only way.
Wow, I missed something here. Let me guess. Somebody made a comment that basically hinted that you’re an idiot parent? Been there. There is no way anyone can judge another parent. Each addict has a different story. Each parent feels the pain in different ways. We do our best, but we aren’t perfect. I’ll try to find the comment, but I’m sorry you were offended. It’s happened to me a few times. All we can do is let it go, and know that there are many others who understand what you are going through.
OK, I found and read the comment. I see where Jeff is coming from, because I saw the very same show. I taped it, in fact and watched it with my son.
HOWEVER, I am not one to judge anyone. I saw a lot of myself in that mom….but I’ve come a long way. My son did lie and convince me he was clean. I swore he was clean, and I fell for it. But that’s MY kid. Bottom line, for a mom to do what Dr. Phil asked that mom to do hurt. He was right, but it’s the hardest thing in the world– to send your kid away in the hope they will truly WANT to be sober. I live each day praying for that. One day at a time. I doubt I will ever trust my son completely. I can only hope, and learn and love. I think Jeff meant well, but it’s painful to feel as though we are being judged. I don’t know anyone’s whole story. I only know mine.
Blessings,
Debby
It sounds like you really do “get it” Debby. Trust in your son is something that he will need to earn back. As an addict I would not at all blame you for not trusting me 100%. After 20, perhaps then we can talk – but even then, relapse is always a potential. For many addicts, admitting they have a problem and getting help for it is the hardest thing they might ever do. For many parents, admitting that they need help themselves to deal with their addict child is just as hard.
i know that it can hurt when we feel like we have to defend our place or our decisions against comments. The truth is, we don’t have to. We write what we need to, and sometimes people comment what they need to. Sometimes the two perspectives don’t fit together.
You continue to be in my heart and my prayers; as does your husband and J. You will continue to love him and do what you believe is right. Regardless of what we are taught in 12-step, with our counselors, and from our friends and family, we have to do what we believe is right for our loved one and for ourselves. And what works for one may not work for another.
I didn’t find Jeff’s comment helpful either.
He seems to think he was able to diagnose you, your husband and your son (not even Dr. Phil would have attempted that with out at least meeting you). He parroted an offensive saying based on a stereotype about people with addiction that I’m sure we’ve all heard before. And then he ended without offering any constructive suggestions.
You have every right to be offended.
I looked at the slide show from the Dr. Phil episode but couldn’t find a place to watch the entire episode online. Anyone find it online?
I just want to send love and a (((BIG HUG))) over to you!!!
oh my Jeffy. I haven’t seen the Dr. Phil episode, but can imagine it ROFLMAO.
This addict is an ADDICT. Yeppers, they lie every single time they open their mouths. And…the other thing about an addict is…(and you admitted you ARE an addict…)
It is NEVER THEIR FAULT !! I can see that you subscribe to that as well, addict!!
It obviously cannot be J’s fault he is an addict, and it cannot be Jeff’s fault that HE is an addict as well. What are YOU, one of those little whiners who walk around saying…OH MY I cannot help myself, I have a DISEASE..and I cannot control it any more than someone who needs insulin?
The best way to save an addict’s life is usually to abandon them to themselves. That is the traditional and most effective method. Is that what you are asking J’s parents to do?
At least they are hanging in there trying to help him. I wouldn’t bother, personally, but that is just me. My addict used up all her coins with me over the last 11 years.
J is not sick, J is a FREAKIN JUNKIE ADDICT. and the only one who can change J is J. His parents are trying everything in their power to NOT enable his using, but allow him to reach out for a hand UP not a hand OUT.
Who the HELL are you to cast aspersions on their parenting, their character and their plan? Get off the parent’s blogs and go cure yourself, you obviously are SO knowledgeable about how to ‘fix’ everything.
:::rolling my eyes at your incredible naivety, stupidity, insolence and outright idiocy:::
I’m not even sure how to respond. You are all over the map. Many things I agree with you on. Others, you seem much less informed. The bottom line here is ask any mental health professional, consult any medical text and addiction, wheter you like it or and wheter you agree with it or not, is classified as an illness. That is just the facts. Addicts do not chose this illness – but they very much can chose to treat it. It sounds like the person in your life chose not to treat it. I can assure you, they did not chose to suffer from it.
I hope Jeff writes a book soon about how parents can cure their kid’s addiction. If Jeff was suggesting you go to meetings and not enable, not sure why he didn’t just state that? I recently posted a link to HBS’s blog, a post where she shared about being a parent of an addict. Please check it out because it is full of truth and honesty. I am sending you much support and prayers and just let comments like Jeff’s go by the wayside.
If I had the answers, the expierence, and any level of credibility, I would consider writing that book. But as you stated, I don’t even have the ability to suggest a specific “fix” in this case. I guess in my fear to suggest what should be done, my focus was way too much with what should not be done.
I guess the part that I tried to convey but evidently did not was that there are people out there much smarter than I am that can help J’s parents. It is those folks that need to provide them with advice and direction – not me. All I know for sure is the things that the professionals say NOT TO DO, is often what seems to be done. The things that the professionals do claim should be done, are the things that clearly are not being done.
There are one and two week programs offered all across the USA to help parents that find themselves in this situation. It is those people that can provide the specifics of what to do. I’m just trying to get J’s parents to consider taking one of those classes – nothing more.
I haven’t seen his comment but it obviously hurt you. You cannot listen to these comments. If there is any advice, take it and that is it. From what I am reading there was no advice. I understand where you are coming from. Since my daughters addiction was known to our small community we have been shunned but guess what I don’t care. It is about getting our children healthy and keeping them healthy and we will do whatever we have to until there is nothing else we can do. My heart goes out to you. If someone has nothing positive to say they should not say anything at all. ((hugs))
It seems as though some see where I am coming from and what I am trying to say, while others do not – or at the very least do not agree with me. Clearly I should have provided more advice on what to do. I honestly was trying specifically not to tell you what to do. Evidently that was the wrong thing to do. SO…
My very strong suggestion is to find a one or two week class in your area that will help you with all of this. You don’t have to go to the Betty Ford clinic in order to get help, information and direction. There are very likely places within 50 miles of where you live that can help you.
I can just tell you that if I had been given the opportunity from my family to continue using while they continued to provide for and take care of me, that would have happened. I also have legal consequences for what I have done. Had they not been hanging over my head, I’m afraid I may also still be actively using. Give an addict the opportunity to cut a corner or take a short cut and they will. The thing is, once treatment starts to take hold, once they actually start to “get it”, they will finally start on the right road. J is not getting a job for a very clear reason – he does not have to. He doesn’t have to do anything because he knows that mom and dad will continue to take care of him. It will only be when you make Js problem J’s, and no one else’s, will J start to do something about it. He had a hint of it while sitting in the bar. But then, like he knew would be the case, he figured out a way to get back home – at first by agreeing to go into treatment. Then, once home, he figured out a way to get treatment taken off the table. Hell, at this point, he doesn’t even have to agree to take a drug test! I can tell you this, I am thrilled to take a drug test at anytime for anyone. It proves beyond a shadow of any doubt that I am in active recovery. When I no longer am willing to take a drug test is when my family needs to worry about me.
I’m not saying any of this is easy. I’m not saying any of it is fun. It is amazing, however, how much addicts and co-dependants share in common. What they mostly share in common is both need to get help and need professional direction in order to get better. It is rare if ever that an addict will stay in remission over the long term without help. It just doesn’t happen.
You may not agree with me. You may not like what I have to say. You may question everything about my motive. I can only tell you this, my 100% motive is to help J get better. The first step for him is to admit he is an addict and needs help. The first step for his family is to admit they are enabling him and they need help as well.
I will certainly be glad to answer any other questions, but I’m not going to keep commenting on this. I have said my piece. I won’t keep repeating it. I won’t argue it. I won’t try to continue to hammer on it. I know that my heart is in the right place – even if the words are not always conveying that. There is no point to make Js parents feel bad over and over again. Sometimes we get the most upset with what we deep down know is the truth. If J had asthma I would not tell his parents how to treat it. I would strongly suggest going to a professional who treats asthma. His having addiction is no different. The answers should not and will not come from me. But there are professionals out there that will be able to help. Like it or not, they too will say many of these same things.
As I already said, I will continue to pray for J and his parents and honestly hope everything will work out in this extremely sad but all too common situation.
I am sure you feel much better now that you have made “piece”…I am assuming you meant “peace”. You are seeing this from an ex addicts perspective and I will forgive you for your arrogance. What you see on these pages is a small snippet of my life and my dealings with J…a VERY SMALL SNIPPET. Do not assume you know my life or my sons life only by what you read on my blog. You are absolutely passing judgement on me and I really don’t wish for you to leave anymore comments on my blog. I understand everything you said and have been offered similar advice by other parents who blog but they did it by telling me about their personal experiences…not by pointing out what they think I should do and everything I did wrong. I know I make mistakes every single day but I am evolving. Now let me clear up some of your misconceptions.
1. We do drug test J and he has passed them all, which really only brings a small sense of relief because I KNOW addicts lie and cheat. DUH! Like I needed you to tell me that.
2. We have taken away everything, he has no car, no phone, no computer, he only has a place to live at this point.
3.He is NOT using so we do not feel it is time to throw him out of the house, we are willing to give him some time to get some clean time under his belt before we draw another line in the sand.
4.
YOU KNOW WHAT I DO NOT OWE YOU ANY EXPLANATION. What I do want you to take away from this is that whether you meant to or not you passed judgement on me from what you THINK is going on and basically said if I don’t go through a program I am going to kill my son and for that I will not forgive you. I don’t talk about who I see professionally because it is not something I care to share on here. GUEES WHAT? It’s my blog i get to pick what I share. Bye please don’t comment again.
You are correct. It is your son and you have to deal with it as you see fit. Every situation I read about including my own daughters is different. We are not cut and dried and can all do this the same way. We are individuals and are all differently handling this. We need to get through each day and for me NA did not work. I came home feeling worse than when I went. I have watched Dr. Phil also and I don’t see him as a drug expert. He brings in the people that know how to deal. I know this posting hurt you but keep your chin up and keep doing what you need to do because at the end of the day you are the only one looking at yourself in the mirror. If you ever need to talk, I am here for you and I do not think we are far apart from each other. I am in PA. Hugs to you and good luck with J. I pray for all the addict children every day. My daughter gets it and once J does it will go smoother but every day will still be a challenge for him. Jeff may have meant well but he didn’t come across that way and especially to a parent with a child in crisis. He should have his own blog where he can say what he wants and no one has to read it unless they want to. If people cannot leave positive thoughts, they shouldnt leave any. I was thinking of doing a blog when this all started for me on 1/1 but his comments was what I was afraid of. I knew I couldn’t deal with it along with everything else. Take Care