Addicts seem to often fall apart this time of year…..why is that? J has fallen many times this past year but has still been able to maintain long periods of sobriety. I am waiting. I feel the anxiety creeping in for not just myself but J and my other kids as well. It’s like this feeling of doom that inches a little closer each time I move the candy cane in my advent calendar. Every year I ask God for the same thing: “Please God let me have just a little bit of peace and happiness right now.” I want my other children and my beautiful granddaughter to experience a joyful Christmas. I don’t want them to worry about their brother spoiling it or their mother crying or being so stressed she snaps at everybody and everything. Is that too much to ask?
Apparently for J it is because the slippery slope has begun. It’s a festive time of year….why not indulge a little. I worked hard all year just a little something to treat myself. What harm would it do? I’ll stop. I just want to feel good. It’s Christmas. It’s the weekend. It’s New Year’s…I will definitely stop after that. Only guess what? You’re an addict and your brain won’t let you stop. SO WHY ON EARTH DO YOU DO IT EVERY FREAKING YEAR? I have managed to untangle myself from J’s addiction for the most part…kind of. I know longer invest in his sobriety nor do I lose my heart when he relapses…EXCEPT this time of year.
It just feels so damn personal….like a slap in the face. I want to SCREAM “Damn it J, just once can we all have a nice peaceful Christmas filled with joy and happiness? Why can’t you JUST ONCE let us have that”. I AM ENTITLED TO PEACE ONCE A YEAR! I don’t care that you are trying and I don’t believe you didn’t mean for it to happen. You are selfish. I KNOW one thing for sure: If you knew what my heart and soul feels like each time you relapse….you would be cured.
I am not sure anyone really reads my blog anymore but I am wishing you all peace and joy. To my old friends, Merry Christmas and may we all find peace.
A Mom's Serious Blunder... 
I am here. I wish you peace as well. ❤️
You made me cry….I miss you. ❤
I still read. And you Do deserve thst. To the curb J. Enough is enough.
Thank God for you Dawn…you are my sounding board.
I still follow you and love to see a post. Holidays are hard. Wishing you peace and joy!
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I still read your posts but have not seen one in a long time.
J is lots of our sons or daughters.
I’m wishing you peace and Joy and lasting sobriety and healing for J
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Coincidentally i was thinking of you today. The holidays are so hard. I hope you are gifted with many days of peace.
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I am kind of honored you think of me at all. Thank you Court
I still read your blog. Sometimes you put into words what many of us cannot. Wishing you and your family a peaceful holiday.
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Wait. Hold on!!! Granddaughter? I missed something!!
And, I’m still in same shoes. Almost. He lives with his sister and she works in addiction recovery. It’s her calling she feels. I wonder why!
Nothing changes if nothing changes. And nothing’s changed and I’m already wondering if the Christmas gifts I give him will be sold!
Yes! My daughter had a baby! She is the love of my life and my daughter is the best mom you could ever imagine! She is this wonderful present we never even knew wanted! She is 20 months old, gorgeous and smart but I am the grandma or should I say Gigi.
Well isn’t that a coincidence! I’m Gigi as well! Congrats!!!!!! 🙂
I always read your blog. I want to bring up to date with my story. As you may recall, my brilliant daughter, now 31, was a heroin addict for a number of years. She had rehabs and relapses one after another. And after one relapse, she just gave up and tried to kill herself with heroin, pain pills and more. Fortunately, I found her in time. There were seizures, a harrowing ambulance ride to the ER, days in critical care where she didn’t know who she was, etc. Ultimately, she got out and got treatment again. And then she relapsed again. The night I found out, I was packing to fly out early the next morning to see my younger daughter and my precious little grandson across the country. My younger daughter said enough was enough. She told me that if I didn’t throw out my eldest daughter then and there, I was not welcome to visit her and her child. She said she was sick and tired of the continuing havoc her sister’s drug addiction was wreaking on our family. It was a moment of truth for me. I made my darling drug addict daughter move out right then and there. It was horribly difficult. She moved in with some horrible creep, and my trip out west was traumatic. BUT…it got her determined to get and stay clean. And to this day, she says having to live with that horrible creep made her finally get it. She actually THANKS ME FOR IT!! It was so damned hard to tell her I’d finally had enough, but she started rebuilding her life bit by bit and now has a professional job in an advertising agency. She has a nice boyfriend who has more time in recovery than she does, and they both stay very involved in AA. She hasn’t lived with me in a good while, and it’s much healthier for all. Life is never easy for her. It never was, but she sees a counselor regularly and works at staying balanced. I’m not saying I don’t worry my daughter will fall again…but it’s a lot easier not to worry when she’s not under my nose all the time. And if she does fall, I’ll be sad and disappointed, but I won’t rescue her. Because I know that doesn’t work. Dawn (yes, you, Dawn!) kept telling me (and others in these forums) to get tough, but it took me such a long time to understand it and to get there. One of my daughter’s friends, a recovering addict, once told me I was going to love my daughter to death. I bristled at the time, but now I know she was right. Madyson, get the addict out of your house. It’s clean all the time or nothing. You and the rest of your family deserve better.
…I should explain that over the last couple of years my older sister’s alcoholism has become debilitating, and my stepdaughter’s substance abuse has created one crises after another. I simply have nothing left to give to addicts who remain in denial or don’t want to help themselves. I don’t think that’s a bad thing.
I wish you the best possible holiday. May you find some peace. And please know we’re definitely still here and listening.
-Gal
I am going to try and make that happen. Thanks Gal and I am so happy you have found some peace.
Ironically, just minutes after I sent the long message above, we got a very early morning call that my stepdaughter was in jail with another DUI. She’s 39 years old and has lost her nursing license and every single job she’s had for years. She spent 36 hours in central lockup this time, but I doubt it was long enough…….but she isn’t my child, so the decisions aren’t mine. At least they took her license this time.
Peace is illusive, but I’ll take it where I can find it. Let’s send each other lots of good cheer this season and, together, we’ll continue to hope for the best. I so appreciate you, Madyson, and everyone who has participated on your forum
-Gal
I keep thinking… if I not dwell in the addiction word I can wish and will it away but I always come back.
I read your blog. I check several times a month to see if there are any news posts.
When I started reading your blog, I didn’t know about my son’s addiction. But, I was strangely drawn to your words thinking we were so similar (4 kids, suburbs, gymnastics etc.) and then I found out. I went back and read every word you wrote.
That was 2 years ago. Our worlds were crumbling at the same time and your words were very helpful. So, thank you. I am sorry to hear that things are off and on and now they are off. I am thankful to hear that he has had long periods of sobriety.
I wish you peace and I wish J strength.
I am sorry you joined this very sad club…and hope that you have a Happy New Year! Thank you for reading my blog.
I still check in. I know your fears. Praying for peace and blessings to you and your family.
As hard as this post is to read, it’s good to hear from you again. As I continue to stumble through this 20+ years of addiction, with our almost 40yr old son; it is ALWAYS good to read that some addicts have had several clean months under their belt. Hope 2017 brings you some peace. Do your best to take care of yourself, and enjoy your grandchild.
Good to read your blog again, sorry its the same old story- It’s the addicts and our reality-my son quit heroin and moved in with us 1.6 years ago- we had retired and moved 1000 miles away- I wish I could say he is fantastic , but the truth is , he starting drinking beer and of course went overboard- When we went back to see our grandchild for a quick visit , he got a DUI and lost his job all in the first day we were gone- we didn’t bail him out and he has to pay over $3k in fines, take a weekly drug and alcohol class for 4 months and we haven’t given him a dime- It seemed to be a wake up call, for now- I was so disappointed and sad, but I don’t live his up and downs anymore and I am not sorry for anything- I know we saved his life , by letting him come back when he was ready to quit heroin- 2 of his good friends have died because of the fentanyl put in Heroin now-Its going to be a slow process- but its his journey-he got a good job right away again and will move out when this class is done and his fines are paid off by him. We finally for the past 2 years had a great Xmas, he is alive and well, even tho he apparently must have been dropped on his head as a baby. He quit smoking cigarettes after all of this trouble, which was a great bonus- I am always looking for a positive, so I don’t smother him when he is sleeping-He is a great guy 95% of the time and that is where we are at.