Addicts seem to often fall apart this time of year…..why is that? J has fallen many times this past year but has still been able to maintain long periods of sobriety. I am waiting. I feel the anxiety creeping in for not just myself but J and my other kids as well. It’s like this feeling of doom that inches a little closer each time I move the candy cane in my advent calendar. Every year I ask God for the same thing: “Please God let me have just a little bit of peace and happiness right now.” I want my other children and my beautiful granddaughter to experience a joyful Christmas. I don’t want them to worry about their brother spoiling it or their mother crying or being so stressed she snaps at everybody and everything. Is that too much to ask?
Apparently for J it is because the slippery slope has begun. It’s a festive time of year….why not indulge a little. I worked hard all year just a little something to treat myself. What harm would it do? I’ll stop. I just want to feel good. It’s Christmas. It’s the weekend. It’s New Year’s…I will definitely stop after that. Only guess what? You’re an addict and your brain won’t let you stop. SO WHY ON EARTH DO YOU DO IT EVERY FREAKING YEAR? I have managed to untangle myself from J’s addiction for the most part…kind of. I know longer invest in his sobriety nor do I lose my heart when he relapses…EXCEPT this time of year.
It just feels so damn personal….like a slap in the face. I want to SCREAM “Damn it J, just once can we all have a nice peaceful Christmas filled with joy and happiness? Why can’t you JUST ONCE let us have that”. I AM ENTITLED TO PEACE ONCE A YEAR! I don’t care that you are trying and I don’t believe you didn’t mean for it to happen. You are selfish. I KNOW one thing for sure: If you knew what my heart and soul feels like each time you relapse….you would be cured.
I am not sure anyone really reads my blog anymore but I am wishing you all peace and joy. To my old friends, Merry Christmas and may we all find peace.