She lives down the street and I have known her for years. It shouldn’t surprise me but it does. A mom is going through hell watching her daughter suffer the consequences of addiction. I know this mom is having all the feelings of hopelessness and despair that we all have in the beginning. I want her to know she is not alone. I am REPOSTING from the very beginning of my blog ….7 years ago. In fact very few people were reading it at that time. It perfectly describes the despair and hopelessness that we all felt at the beginning of this journey.
These are my words screaming out loud…
I am a mom who has made a serious blunder. I am not sure where or when everything started to go wrong but I recognize profoundly that I must have had something to do with it. Perhaps I am even the cause of it. My oldest son is an addict. I look at him and can still see the promise of all things great but those visions of a successful future grow dimmer each day. He recently got out of rehab and I want with all my heart to believe that all things are possible again but I can see cracks in that facade already. He is up late and sleeping most of the day. He has attended a handful of meetings after promising to do 90 meetings in 90 days. I asked him to take a drug test yesterday and he refused. He has cashed a paycheck that belonged to him but he gave to us to cover some of his legal fee’s. He has no job, no direction and no plan on how to change those things. How can so many sincere promises go so wrong so fast?
I am at loss of how to help him. I recognize that I am enabling him but am painfully unable to stop myself. I feel like we are all standing on this very fragile house of cards and one wrong move by any of us and all will be lost. He doesn’t recognize how tied up I am in his inability to make sensible adult choices. I don’t want to be tangled up in his life choices but I am his mom and to not be entangled in his life would mean giving up and walking away…how can I do that? Nor does he recognize the wedge he has driven between our family. I wish he could see the impact his behavior has on his brother and sisters. His seventeen year old sister who loves him dearly has lost all respect. She doesn’t understand why it is not as black and white for us, as it is for her. She is scared of him now and of his lack of respect for all of us. His nine-year old sister wants to know why her mommy is crying again or tired and cranky from lack of sleep. His six-year-old brother doesn’t even ask where his brother is anymore because he can see the tension on his parents faces…that they have no real idea where or what his brother is doing.
He could go to sleep tonight and wake up in the morning and make this the first day of a new life, but is so entrenched in old habits and bad behaviors, so he chooses not to. He clings to all his old feelings and idea’s, thinking that he knows how to change his life but makes identical choices from his old life. Half heartedly telling himself he is trying and if we could all just leave him alone everything will be fine. What he seems to not see is that I wish more than my own life is that I could see those changes he thinks he is making so I can pat him on his back and let my guard down. Saying things are “different” is not the same as showing us that things are different. What they are is just words…and those I have heard before. I don’t want to hear “I am sorry”. I want to see remorse, a change, a new attitude. I want my old son back so badly I ache. The pain is so deep it is beginning to feel like a slow death and I am mourning the loss of all those hopes and dreams I had for him.
It is excruciating for both my husband and I, to relive this tragic yet familiar addiction story because indeed that is what we are both doing right now…but that my friend is a story I will save for another night.