Not sure those clouds ever go away…

I spoke to my parents last night. I find it very interesting their perspective of how we parent J. My parents raised and buried an addict so it is not like they do not know what our life entails. They talked about how much they loved J and how incredibly thoughtful and kind he was. They have wishes and hopes for J and want to find a way to help him find his way. They said they speak to J with respect and so J in turn treats them with respect.

A part of me was so happy to hear that J really did show up and not the ugly alien but I realized what was being inferred and I was quietly upset by it. They only see and speak to J not the alien. J would never willingly call or see my parents while the addict inhabited his body. They see the sweet bright boy…their first most beloved grandson. They don’t take any phone calls in the middle of the night or ponder who the hell the stranger  is that pulled in to pick my son up. They don’t have to watch the chaos that envelops all of us when J is using.

Do I speak to J with respect? My best answer…most of the time. Does my husband speak to J with respect…nope not ever. I am jealous because my parents get to see the sweet boy and their dreams for their grandson have not been shattered….they have hope! We get fear, and constant dread while waiting for one shoe or another to drop. How is it they have forgotten the alien that lived in my brother? The son they buried. I love my son but I don’t blindly see him as my bright sunshiny little boy. When I see him I see him now, even when he is sober there is still a cloud that follows and blocks out some of that shine.

It makes me very sad because I am not sure those clouds will ever go away….


About madyson007

I am a mom of 4 who thought she was home free when my oldest son went off to college. My serious blunder? Genetics and being naive or maybe just plain stupid.
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5 Responses to Not sure those clouds ever go away…

  1. Lisa Johnson says:

    We know what we know and what we live through. I wouldn’t understand this if not for the fact that I now have a grandson in the middle of all of this chaos. In fact, I was holding him in my arms at about 5 weeks of age when my son decided it was a great idea to overdose in the bathroom. What I say is, let them have their joy. Let them see him in the light that makes them happy and joyful. They missed out on a lot with your brother as we have with our son. They want to believe the best in him. If this ever, god forbid, happened to my grandson I cannot imagine loving him unconditionally as I do right now. Ignore their ‘suggestions’. You know the fight you fight. Easier on the outside to make suggestions but not reality!!!

    Enjoy this little vacation!! 😉

  2. Katie says:

    It takes quite awhile of them being clean,for us to let go of our negative feelings.It is easy when you live far away to only remember the good in addicts because they don’t live the day by day chaos that they create.its okay ,tho,its good for J to feel their love and respect now, hopefully when he returns, it will carry over on his end.My husband just now, 8 months later, is starting to have a good relationship again with our son-I was always so eager to forgive and forget ,but my husband wasn’t.Truthfully,you can only be burned so many times, I guess i must be a glutton for punishment.

  3. Mary Mac says:

    It is amazing that same sky that is filled with dark and stormy clouds also can pop out a rainbow… just depends on the moment and the direction you are looking. The further away you get from the storm the smaller and less menacing those clouds become………until, on day, they are merely a minor disturbance in the distance. You are absolutley right, they may return, and you will always have to keep a watchful eye on them. But, for the days that are sunny, enjoy.

    I think it is pretty normal to feel jealous that your parents get the ‘good’ J and you are stuck with your life of chaos. I am jealous of friends whose kids traveled the straight and narrow, or at least didn’t go totally off the tracks….. their futures were never compromised, their relationships not torn, their finances not destroyed. Dammit, I was, and am, a good mother……. I did all (ok most) of the right things…….. and yet my son got ensnared in a life I never saw coming. Regardless of the comments of your mother, friends and strangers, try and keep an internal dialog going that it really is in J’s best interest to have people who love him, have high expectations and whom he doesn’t want to disappoint….. they may be seeing him through rose colored glasses, but…….. the longer J can go drug free…..well, the longer he is drug free. People are all different in what finally makes it ‘click’……. what makes them choose not to use…… it might be it a parent,a grandparent, a sibling, a girlfriend, a child, God, themselves, …. it’s the end result that is important…… how they get there just a footnote in their recovery.

  4. Gerry Standard says:

    We have learned to let go of the past now that my daughter is clean. Even when she pushed my Mom down and broke her hip, my Mom forgave the unthinkable. We came to realize it was the addiction that did these horrible things not her. She is a new person now and the only way to help her move forward towards her new life was to forgive and forget.

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