I am scared…

My son looks really bad. I have to face the fact that he looks like an addict. He has stopped shaving and only showers…well I am not sure when or if he showers. He is careless and doesn’t care about anything.  There are wax wrappers every where…and yesterday my youngest  son found a syringe on the counter in the bathroom. J looks grey. I am afraid he is going to die. I am afraid that I am going to have to watch. We have been taking his pay checks so he can pay back the money he stole from our bank account. He still manages to get drugs. He is at one of the lowest points in his life and oblivious. He continues to look at us like we are the crazy ones. He looks around with frantic grey eyes and misplaces things. He is losing his mind.


Should I call the police? Put him in a car and drop him in the middle of a town? Should I just except the fact that he is going to die and it might be sooner than any of us thought? There are so many parents that are struggling right now…some are suffering in silence and their blogs do not always reflect reality. My blog is just a fraction of my life. Pray for us….there are so many people suffering.

I don’t understand why J get’s to be numb while we watch him die. 


About madyson007

I am a mom of 4 who thought she was home free when my oldest son went off to college. My serious blunder? Genetics and being naive or maybe just plain stupid.
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27 Responses to I am scared…

  1. Gal says:

    Well, some may disagree with me, but I don’t believe he should be allowed to be on drugs in your home. He’s endangering the rest of you, and it’s not fair to the little ones. Drug test him. If he tests positive, he has to go into the cheapest (or free) state-sponsored program you can find (after detox, of course…and there are some free detox programs.) You can’t take the chance that your little one will walk in on him turning blue and having seizures. Or worse. Do what you can to take control of your environment…and believe me, I know how hard it is. I just don’t believe in waiting for the OD, because it will happen. And no matter what anyone tells you, hitting rock bottom doesn’t guarantee he’ll get it. What do YOU need to do to be able to face yourself every day? Protect the children in your home who can’t protect themselves. Living with an active drug user is hell.
    Mad, I know nothing except a lot of the pain you are dealing with. It’s easy to tell others what to do. Just know my heart hurts for you and J, and I pray for you and all of us.
    Big hugs, Gal

  2. JoJo says:

    Please take J to a dr. Tell J you think he is sick, ask him if he will go. I did that with my child and she agreed to go. In addition to her addiction she WAS sick. She would have died. The doctor took it from there. She detoxed, went thru rehab, got medical care, went thru another rehab once she was medically stable and is doing good today. This was all within the last year. She will have health problems her whole life. But today she is alive and clean. I just didn’t know what to do, but bringing her to the doctor was the first step for us. Praying for you and hoping with you. And you’re right, there are many of us suffering silently.

  3. M. says:

    Your son could be my son…a day in your house could be any day in my house. I had an identical syringe experience in my bathroom about 2 weeks ago, fortunately minus the sibling finding it. My son is 23 and I have loved him since the moment he was born and will continue to during his addiction, likely to his grave. Like you, I’m no longer optimistic. We are just giving him “life support” right now…food, a bed, drives, clothing, etc…but this isn’t really living. We do this because it eases our own pain, we are not helping our addicted adult children but we struggle to understand what is the “right” choice.

    I appreciate your blog because it reminds me that I’m not alone. Please keep posting.


  4. fractalmom1 says:

    Mad. I gotta go with Gal. I understand JoJo and M. But I dont think they are as far along this journey of hell, pain and sorrow. How many roads does a mom walk down, before she says FUCK THIS BULLSHIT I HAVE OTHER KIDS! It isnt easy. Give him a prepaid cell the number to all the rehabs you can find and $100 and drop him off at the nearest shelter. You are not enabling him or turning him out naked in the cold. What he chooses to DO with that is then HIS choice. And you turn off the phones at night and sleep eqsy for once. Talk to the other kids and just tell them “your brother is sick, but he is a danger to us, and to himself, and as much as I love him and want to help, I love YOU as well and must protect you”. With the prepaid cell he can call you. Reload it every month for 45 bucks. I love you. End this madness.

  5. Well said FactalMom.
    I was in the same situation with my son.
    I did not want to watch him die.
    He chose in home rehab with random drug tests and witnessed doses of Suboxone.
    He knew that it was in- patient rehab or the streets if he tested positive.
    Thank God he never again tested positive for opiates.
    These kids are self medicating mental health issues and until they receive treatment for those issues, the cause of their problems are not addressed.
    I personally would never give my son cash.
    Give him a McDonalds, Subway or Taco Bell gift card, small amount so he doesn’t trade it in for drug money.
    Praying God will give you the strength and wisdom to do the right thing.

  6. JoJo says:

    You know, I think it’s not a matter of who’s right and who’s wrong. I think it’s a matter of there is no right answer because the same thing doesn’t work for different addicts. We (us suffering parents) need to love and respect each other and hope that somewhere in this sharing of our pain we might find a little tip that helps us get through another day…another relapse…another moment of panic where we doubt and question our instincts. One day at a time; sometimes one minute at a time. Love you all. Praying and believing.

  7. Lisa says:

    So sorry! I was just thinkin about you today and wondering how J was doing. My son is about to wrap up a program and I’m already seeing signs I don’t like. In the end, it’s so they want sobriety. And even the ones that want it bad sometimes fail. But I am sort of doing what you do. I’m more or less keeping him around in case I have to save him. It’s no way to live for either of us. I count the minutes he’s in the bathroom. I check him in his room if his girlfriend isn’t around. I’ve been living this life of a corrections officer or intensive care nurse for 5 long years. We are prisoners in our own home. At least now he’s doing chores like dishes and mowing the lawn etc etc. So I get something back. But it’s not enough. I want my life back. Here’s the thing, and I’ve said it before, you never know when they are gonna ‘get it’. If you can create a change to the current situation, create it. It can make the difference, if not in his life at least in yours!

  8. Tori says:

    Well I sure am no one to give advice. You know we are in the same boat aimlessly searching for the miracle that after 9 LONG YEARS still has not come. Thinking of you.

  9. Gerry Standard says:

    I have been where you have been and worse. My daughter was a heroin addict from 17-30. She had unlimited money and unlimited high quality drugs and was very violent. She had every kind of treatment, multiple rehabs, methadone, suboxone, and some other bizarre treatments. Wearing off suboxone made her go crazy. She ended up in a mental facility that only made her worse. We finally got Ibogaine treatment which is an African root that has been used in tribal ceremonies for thousands of years. It stops the cravings gets them clean with no Withdrawls and resets the neurotransmitters to a time before drugs. My daughter has been clean 6 years and is doing well. 6 months after treatment we discovered her Hep c was miraculously cured. Ibogaine changed her life. I can help you. Do not give up hope. Please contact me so we can talk.

  10. Lauren says:

    I have been were you are and were no others want to go. I buried my 22 year old son 2 years ago and my other son is current ly in court ordered rehab. Give your son a chance to get well. He can’t choose recovery now he is to sick. You have drug stuff in your house. Call the police and have him arrested. It will be one of the hardest things you will have to do but burying him from an overdose in your home as you know you stood by and did nothing will be worse. In a year from now he may thank you. Please do something. I had my son arrested 2 months ago and he was in jail till they transported him to a program. You ca n do this. You are a strong, loving mother. A felony is better than dead in our world of addiction. You are in my prayers. Please don’t take offense at what I said. I follow your blog and have/had all the feelings you have. You are not alone.

  11. Mary Mac says:

    Remember, what ever you and your family decide there are no right and no wrong answers. What works for some doesn’t for others. It is a trial and error process, if you make progress continue doing what you are doing, if not try something else. That is the best any of us can do…. and sadly sometimes it is just not enough.

    It sounds like J’s being in your home is not working by any measure, he is not improving and he is not able …. or interested in trying to beat this addiction. The downward spiral continues. So what are your options now? Think about it…………what could be worse? What could happen on the street could just as easily happen in your bathroom. He is an adult, could you drop him off at the nearest hospital and say he is sick?……….. My son ended up on state insurance (which he paid for through his minimum wage job and so was subsidized) and the funny thing is they covered him far more than what our insurance would…… go figure. Getting him detoxed is certainly a first step, while actively using he won’t be able to make any positive decisions. If he gets put in with some real low lives that is a good thing………. that is what he is…….no better, no worse…..but because he has intelligence and a supportive family can turn it all around.

    Your journey has been incredibly long and difficult. You have been there for him the entire time, maybe he is one of the ones that needs to really see what he can do by himself……. really see the harsh reality that his lifestyle is going to bring him…….. not a pretty life.

    I wish you the very best ,
    Mary Mac

  12. Tahoepeace says:

    As parents of addicted children there is no right answer- it is what is right for us at the time. My heroin addicted daughter has been through so any rehabs. She had a great inpatient, working program that she was just kicked out of for non compliance- but she has no idea why- yeah right. I have so enjoyed the last two months with her out of our home and our city. That sounds horrible but it is the truth for me- now, who knows? Take care of yourself and your family and know you are not alone.

  13. Courtsmom says:

    Oh gosh, Mady. all of this sounds so terrible to live with. Especially since we only see the small piece like you said. I can only imagine what we don’t see – horrid, horrid disease! You are far stronger than I am. My DD no longer lives with us because I can’t watch the destruction.

    I love the advice of doing what you feel is right. It was very freeing when I first discovered all the blogs and read this advice. I was able to let go of the guilt I had been harboring for a long time. I now always ask myself these two questions before I make any decision…

    What does my instinct tell me? It hasn’t failed me yet – I just chose to ignore it.
    Am I helping her or hurting her? At this point all I can do to help is feed her (even then this is only once every 2 wks,, maybe.

    Such an awful decision for us to be faced with and so unfair. I hope you are able to find some peace with whatever decision you come to.

  14. Sheri says:

    Every time my son experienced a consequence of his addiction. I would think “there is nothing worse than this”. Unfortunately, there was always something worse. Like me, you have tried everything in your power to help your son. The operative word is “your power”. When it comes to this monster, we do not have any power. We all come to understand that in our own time.
    My heart aches for you because you have not reached your time yet. I am so sorry .

  15. Summer says:

    In most states, it is NOT illegal to use drugs but it is illegal to possess them along with the paraphernalia (don’t you just love how the laws are written) so you could call the police and they might arrest your son for whatever they find in the house, assuming you allow them to search your son’s space. Depending on how much they find in terms of dope, he could get a felony charge (higher bond) or if it’s just paraphernalia then the bond would be much lower. He’d certainly be safer in jail than on the streets, assuming no one bonds him out.

    If you have a Salvation Army in your area, some of them have adult rehabilitation which includes housing. Not all do, but some. If you have any homeless shelters in your area you might be able to get a listing of any facilities that offer housing/rehab for the indigent. If your son can’t live with you and has nowhere else to go, he is considered indigent. Sometimes, being “homeless” is the best/only way to get them the help they need. Just a thought.

    That gray color…I know it so well and it’s awful. I always know my son is shooting heroin again when he starts looking grayish/green. 😦 I’m sorry Madyson, I’m praying for your son and for your family.

  16. Annette says:

    Oh Mads…..I read this yesterday. We are back on the rollercoaster too….I just haven’t posted because I don’t want to hear everyone’s opinions about what I should do. I think we know what we “should” do. Its just getting to the place of being able to do it. I am so tired of all of it. You are a well educated, intelligent mother…you will figure out your next step. This also isn’t your first rodeo.

  17. Helga says:


    Please check this out. It maybe helpful. Good luck to you.

  18. Jeff says:

    I just read these words above:

    “I don’t want to hear everyone’s opinions about what I should do. I think we know what we “should” do. Its just getting to the place of being able to do it. I am so tired of all of it.”

    Does everyone see the irony of how this was said by the parent of an addict but just as well could have been the addict himself saying or writing these very same words? Parents of addicts and actual addicts would both be amazed at how much more similar to each other they are. How can addicts change when even non-addicts face the exact same challenges? We want our addict to change but fail to see how we are much the same. And so the terrible cycle continues.

    • madyson007 says:

      Jeff I feel like you are targeting Annette for her comments….please stop.

    • fractalmom1 says:

      This is an open blog, but written by a tortured mother of an addict. It is NOT written from an addict’s perspective. It is written from a mother’s perspective. If you don’t like it, don’t come. None of us are going to be sympathetic to your point of view. We are all parents of addicts. We have seen our children tortured by drug abuse. We have seen our treasured babies overdose. We have seen our other children suffer by having a brother or sister as an addict. We have been robbed, lied to, used, beaten and beaten down. Fuck off!

  19. Gal says:

    My ex-husband tells everyone who will listen I am codependent and addicted to drama. Must be nice to watch from afar. Yes, I’m addicted…to keeping my daughter alive. I could rant and rave about how angry this kind of Monday-morning quarterbacking makes me. But it’s ludicrous and ignorant and not worth more than Fractal Mom’s last two words.
    We carry these baby’s for nine months, stay up all night with them when they’re sick, try to guide them through the ups and down of adolescence, but then we’re supposed to turn away when they’re fighting the most fatal illness of their lives. Yes, for many of us turning away becomes necessary, but we can only do the best we can do. The next person who tells me I’m going to love my daughter to death, FU…as if making her hit more of a rock bottom than her overdose/suicide attempt would cure her. She’s been clean since February, but she’s on suboxone. She’s working her AA program and going to work daily, but she fights her demon daily, and it’s not easy on anyone. If she relapses again (for 100th time), she’s out of here to a free live-in program. But, if she relapses again, I’m pretty sure she won’t fail at suicide again. Like I said, FU to anyone but other mothers in this hell. I am so grateful to you all. Thanks for listening.

  20. Babette says:

    My son is 18 and fresh from a near fatal overdose and 1 week in psych ward. I can tell you all that I will take him alive and addicted over dead ANY DAY. Keep loving your son M and don’t feel ashamed to feed and house his broken spirit. Maybe in the end that is all we are meant to do and hopefully they will recover. If they don’t at least they will know unconditional love. Much love XO

  21. Babette says:

    I have also been where you are now, helpless and hopeless but I made a discovery in the psych ward, as Mom’s we are the keepers of our children’s memories not the architect of their dreams. Everyday I remind myself that this is the path we are on and I must be in the moment to appreciate who my son is and not who I thought he would be. For the last 3 years I have fought and accessed services and pleaded and begged and ignored and railed against fate and felt like a failure. 2 rehabs, counselling, tough love, easy love, stalking, room searches you know what I mean? Nothing worked and I nearly went mad. My epiphany came as my son lay in hospital, strapped down on the bed. I saw him for what he is. He is a wonderful kind person struggling with death. To live with myself I must place myself firmly on his side and to hell with everyone else. We are not “letting them die” by comforting them in their darkest hours, we are shining some light in their darkness.

  22. D says:

    “He continues to look at us like we are the crazy ones.”

    Actually you are. How long are you going to let this go on and ruin the lives of your other kids? Addiction is a choice and if he has access to suboxone that is keeping the withdrawal away then he is ACTIVELY choosing to get high without concern for anyone else. He might make a different choice if he didn’t have a house to live in and parents to steal from.

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