Hope, expectations and wishes…

I have just been reminiscing about our time BC (before chaos). Life was so fine. Had I known that it would change so dramatically I would have relished those moments. I would have committed them all to memory laid them out in the fresh dewy grass and rolled in them naked wrapping them around me like a protective cloak in preparation for what was to come.

I had a very smart handsome son heading to a competitive college with a great academic scholarship. I had a very happy 4 year old little boy who would be heading to kindergarten in the fall. I had two gorgeous daughters one a competitive gymnast and cheerleader and one a happy little girl who still played with her dollhouse everyday! How I long for those days.

My last post was umm a little pessimistic…okay, okay it was down right gloomy. The thing is it really is how I am feeling at the moment. You can go back into my blog archives and see that I thought this was a temporary problem. I had hope for miles. That we were going to “do the right thing” and get on with our lives. This was just a little blip in the road. How naive I was. 

People would leave me messages saying “take care of yourself” and I would think “Are you crazy? I am going to save my son even if it kills me” and it almost did. I am not sure I was being smug about it but I really believed that addiction could not possibly derail all of our lives. I was a better mother than that. Certainly by sheer force of will I could fix this. I was super mom God Damn it!

So here we sit many years later…and it is still the song that never ends and the gift that just keeps giving. I now know with complete certainty this will never end. We and he will be dealing with this for the rest of our lives. Sober, recovering or using, addiction is tightly woven into everyday and there is no unraveling it from the fabric of our lives. 

I am happy that we have some examples of success to witness in other blogs but I have a very hard time relating to that anymore. I wish I could snap out of it but I just can’t have hope right now. Hope brings expectations. Expectations bring wishes and that bring crushing disappointment and pain, So for now….I am done with hope.  Please don’t judge me. 


About madyson007

I am a mom of 4 who thought she was home free when my oldest son went off to college. My serious blunder? Genetics and being naive or maybe just plain stupid.
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8 Responses to Hope, expectations and wishes…

  1. forevermommy says:

    I don’t judge you. but you should really try ibogaine. It worked for me and my daughter. you do it once and your clean and sober for life. She hasn’t felt the urge to use since doing the ibogaine treatment. and now she is an excellent mother and a changed person. most people haven’t heard of ibogaine, which is sad. because it is a one time miracle cure..and i wish i could get the word out there to more people.

  2. Tori Lee says:

    I felt the same thing – how do I take care of myself when my son is dying – I have super powers and I will save him – at the expense of my business, by marriage, my other child, my bank account, my friends – none of that mattered because clearly this would be a short term thing and with my love it will all go away. Nine years later the only thing that has gone away is money, happiness, my relationships and time. The time is the worst – all the time I should have been spending with my younger son, all the field trips I didn’t go on because of B and the list goes on. Now he is starting 11th grade – So, so sad.

  3. Connie says:

    No judgment at all. I pray that God will grant you the serenity you long for and the knowledge of what to do as you continue this crazy life. That’s all I’ve got for today. “Hi. I’m Connie, the parent of addicts. And I am powerless over addiction.”

  4. Sheri says:

    The only person judging you is you Mady. It’s crushing you and by default it’s crushing your family. The only person not affected is J. It’s not because he doesn’t care, it’s because he is in the grips of the monster and is incapable of it.
    Stop blaming yourself . It took me years to stop . Years that I will never get back. You deserve better.

  5. fractalmom1 says:

    Hell no. I gave up all hope and expectations years ago. I got better immediately.

  6. Ron Grover says:

    There is no judgement. I’ve been where you are. Hope was all I held onto and it felt like your guts got ripped out every time. Every thing he did or I did resulted in me building up expectations that there was no place to go but down.

    There is hope but you must begin placing your hope with the right place.

    Put your hope in yourself. It is possible to survive being the parent of an addict. First step is accepting what is instead of trying to create what ought to be.

    An exercise I played with myself was to imagine what did I want my life to be if some mystical power that could see the future told me my son would never give up his drugs and would be addicted forever? How would I live if I was forced o take my hope away from Alex? That was my first step, I began to do the things to take care of myself, my family and my friends.

    It doesn’t always happen this way but Alex did not begin to get better until I began to get better. No matter, one of us was going to get better no matter.


  7. Liz says:

    We don’t judge you Mady. In fact, I kind of agree with you.

  8. Helga says:

    You are only judging yourself by assuming the blame for the failure to keep J sober. Well, guess what, this was and is not your problem to solve and blaming yourself for something you have no control over just causes depression. Been there, done that. It does not work. Check out Tori’s blog and see if you could implement something similar to what she is talking about. Nothing else has made sense or a difference, why not try something different? You know the old saying, if nothing changes, nothing changes…. BTW, I totally agree with Dawn and we are not here to judge, just to lend a helping hand…

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