I have just been reminiscing about our time BC (before chaos). Life was so fine. Had I known that it would change so dramatically I would have relished those moments. I would have committed them all to memory laid them out in the fresh dewy grass and rolled in them naked wrapping them around me like a protective cloak in preparation for what was to come.
I had a very smart handsome son heading to a competitive college with a great academic scholarship. I had a very happy 4 year old little boy who would be heading to kindergarten in the fall. I had two gorgeous daughters one a competitive gymnast and cheerleader and one a happy little girl who still played with her dollhouse everyday! How I long for those days.
My last post was umm a little pessimistic…okay, okay it was down right gloomy. The thing is it really is how I am feeling at the moment. You can go back into my blog archives and see that I thought this was a temporary problem. I had hope for miles. That we were going to “do the right thing” and get on with our lives. This was just a little blip in the road. How naive I was.
People would leave me messages saying “take care of yourself” and I would think “Are you crazy? I am going to save my son even if it kills me” and it almost did. I am not sure I was being smug about it but I really believed that addiction could not possibly derail all of our lives. I was a better mother than that. Certainly by sheer force of will I could fix this. I was super mom God Damn it!
So here we sit many years later…and it is still the song that never ends and the gift that just keeps giving. I now know with complete certainty this will never end. We and he will be dealing with this for the rest of our lives. Sober, recovering or using, addiction is tightly woven into everyday and there is no unraveling it from the fabric of our lives.
I am happy that we have some examples of success to witness in other blogs but I have a very hard time relating to that anymore. I wish I could snap out of it but I just can’t have hope right now. Hope brings expectations. Expectations bring wishes and that bring crushing disappointment and pain, So for now….I am done with hope. Please don’t judge me.