to uncomfortable conversations … Even my own mother in law makes comments that are so hurtful but she is apparently completely unaware. Maybe it’s just that I am too sensitive or read into it to much but it cuts me to the core. Does anyone else feel judged by their in-laws? I mean I literally feel like they are testing me to see where I measure so they can rank me at the top, bottom or insignificant. My husband thinks I am crazy and never hears it or sees it the same way.
I have a sister in law who is crazy. She crashes cars, buys things they can’t afford, berates her husband in public, uses mortgage money to shop for new cars, embarrasses her kids in public…I am talking about really heart wrenching things to her family. “BUT at least she raised her kids right. You can’t fault her for that? Right? You just can’t”…says my mother in law. I just stare at her with dull eyes and no expression. Are her kids great because that crazy fucked up woman raised her kids right or did she just get lucky?
I feel like she looks at me with pity and thinks well if only YOU raised your kids right J wouldn’t be an addict. My husband wants to know where I am getting that message from? I tell him that I get that message every single day from the TV, social media, relatives, friends. Hell, Kathy Lee Gifford spews to who ever will listen what a good mother she is because her kids haven’t been arrested, been to rehab, or kicked out of school…so she must be doing something right.
Obviously I deserve that judgement. I am a bad parent. This conversation along with judgment comes up more than anyone realizes. Most of the time the people don’t realize that I am a mother of an addict but the reaction is always the same pity and blame. I did not get married and decide to have child so he can grow up and become an addict. I raised all my children with respect, love and attention. Then why do I feel so lousy?
This is why I don’t share what is going on in my life with ANYONE. I did not want my husband to share this with his parents and I was right. It leaves a dark cloud that covers my entire family, my parenting and my love. It influences how they see me and how they see my other children. They measure and weigh my children’s accomplishments and compare them to the “good grand-kids” and my beautiful children come out lacking in some way. It is insulting to hear about their other grandchildren excelling and then pity my youngest who has dyslexia. He is not STUPID….he is brilliant. He just happens to not have the ability to read well. He is thoughtful, insightful, and full of information none of which came from him reading. You can learn and still not be able to read.
I HATE this. I don’t want to be a bad mother. I didn’t sign up for this. Can someone tell me how to resign from this position? I am not at all sure I am right for this job. Would my children be better if I was not a part of their lives? I can not wrap my mind around that. Nobody loves those kids like I do. So everyone just needs to shut the hell up!