Make it stop…

I was recently talking to a blogging parent.  She no longer has a blog but is still a favorite parent in this blogging community.  I told her I didn’t want to blog anymore, that I was floundering and I had no one to blame but myself. I sometimes think that my life is a remake of my childhood. Only this time I get to play the mom and my son gets to play my brother. Those of you who have read this blog for awhile know how that ended. I don’t want to go to that place because I will not be the same. I will just be a shell of my former self. I feel like I have one of those little black bombs ticking away and I am just clenching my teeth and holding my ears because I know it is going to go off. I just don’t know when or how to make it stop.

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About madyson007

I am a mom of 4 who thought she was home free with her oldest son when he went off to college. My serious blunder? Genetics and being naive or maybe just plain stupid.
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17 Responses to Make it stop…

  1. j says:

    I could written this post….by god I was NEVER going to be like my mom,,,,,heartbreaking that history has a way of repeating itself. I will miss your bog alot, but I fully understand,

  2. Lauren says:

    I have been following your blog since you started. I pray for you , your family and your son and would miss reading. I relate to how u feel many times. Hoping things get better for u

  3. roseanne says:

    Hi. I read your entire blog this weekend. Thank you so much.
    You asked that we introduce ourselves. I too in education and have a 34 year old daughter that is an addict with mental health issues. I have had legal guardianship of her 2 daughters for past two years. They are 5 and almost 7. Daughter has been homeless and is currently in local jail awaiting sentencing. I have not let her even speak with children by phone, but she seldom asked. Its a long sordid story but I find myself once again not going to jail to see her. Last week I think (know) she was high when I came to visit her…and rehab was no longer needed or wanted, but, “!she was special to the courts and would be at my house to pick them up as soon as the judge expunged her record and released her.”. It was the alien you speak of talking a lot of crazy stuff. I left and am in and out of grief. I have decided I must once again cut ties to protecty granddaughters and for my own well-being.
    I’m not as young as you and have been dealing with this awful addiction for ten years. She has been homeless for past 3 years. Thank God I was able to get the children from her ex, who is now in prison for a string of drug related felonies.
    I see a lot of comonalities in our lives.
    I came to your site struggling to understand and lessen my grief. While I would not wish drug addiction on any family, I thank you for sharing. Much of your blog was so relatable. I will probably start a blog of my own as my husband can’t handle anything this emotional and does not talk about it. I don’t want to dump on my two other wonderful adult children as they work hard to focus on those that are here and present in their lives.
    I have long been past embarrassment. Anyone who has loved an addict gets it. Must helps to hear my good, bad and ugly is not so different from other parents that have dealt with an adult child that is addicted.
    Thank you for sharing from your heart.

    • j says:

      I hope you do start your own blog. I, too have an adult child with a dual diagnoses. Please let us know if you do start up a blog. The only comfort I get, is to know I’m not alone.

  4. Ana says:

    Hang in there friend! Your blog helps those of us struggling with our loves ones and brings a needed voice to addiction and all the ugliness that comes along with it. HANG IN THERE!

  5. Sheri says:

    Take your hands away from your ears. Listen to your heart. You are not your mom and your son is not your brother.
    What happens next is NOT a repetition of the past.
    It is your reality.
    No matter what you do, life will play out . Believe me when I tell you this .
    Please, please get some help to take care of you and the rest of your family.
    Stop worrying about the one person who does not care at this point because he is an addict and cannot care.
    As for your husband, take his head in your hands and TELL him dammit! You’ve lived how many years with this man!
    As for your other children, you know they know. They are smart and see what’s going on.
    I am not being judgemental, I am telling you what I eventually had to do!
    And… Get him the hell out of your house!

  6. Gal says:

    M, I’ve never had the courage to start a blog, but I’m so grateful to everyone who does, because it allows me to feel like I’m part of a community. You must do what is best for you, but if you continue, I’ll be listening. No one should have to live through this without support from people who really understand just how heartbreaking it is. We need each other to learn how to move forward, despite what an addict in the family does to us and everyone around us.
    Hugs.
    -Gal

  7. Liz says:

    I would be so sad if you stopped.. You have helped me greatly.. Maybe take a little break and when you need to vent and release, come back to us.

  8. Lisa says:

    Many times over the last few years I have quoted your blog or mentioned to my husband ‘oh a friend in the blog world had a good …or bad day..with her son’. It’s like I have someone that I can relate to when no one around me gets it. Or, I’m just too emotional to speak about my own world to anyone! I can see how you are doing or Ron and others that write. I get advice and someone listens. I know somedays you want to stop talking about it but then other days it feels better. I have moments. I left a store the other day where I met a mom of one of my sons old friends and she told me in a list …all the boys from his class that just got engaged. I got in the car and wept like a child! That’s the alone feeling. I can jump on here and and I don’t feel ALONE!

    • madyson007 says:

      I just had the same experience! I met someone who I had not see for quite awhile. He told me about his son who just graduated from Yale. He and my son were in elementary school together all the way up to 7th grade. Curiously asked about everyone but J….I think he sensed I was not going there. I played the wishing game when our conversation was over. I wish J was different. I wish J could go back in time and choose differently. I wish I was a better mother. I wish I took J to rehab the very first hint of trouble….and on and on.

      • Sidda says:

        I have felt this way as well. I did take my son to rehab at the first sign of trouble and several times after and it did not make a difference he still chose to continue in his lifestyle until his arrest. I know people have said this to you before but you did not cause J’s problems. You are a good mother. I know people that have recently spent thousands of dollars on 90 day programs and subsequent sober living homes, and still the adult child came out and used. I never had the money to do anything like that but he was able to go to out-patient and of course in-patient through the court system. There is no magic bullet. As Pammie once said “and addict is done using dope when they are done using dope.” Yes, consequences to their actions can definitely get them to that place sooner rather than later. My son and I were discussing his sobriety the other night and I asked him if he thinks that he would have stopped if he wasn’t arrested and he said I doubt it I would probably have just kept going with it.

        It’s okay to grieve the loss of what we wish that their lives could have been I find that I just can’t stay in that place too long or the depression will overtake me and linger.

      • Lisa says:

        I wish for all the same things as you. I wonder if I could have changed the course of this hell. But deep down inside I think we know that we couldn’t have done that. Just like parents of kids that have taken all the right turns in our eyes didn’t really make that happen either. It’s just sad to see what cannot be at this point in time. But then I think, he could get sober, become a happy successful guy, get married, walk off the sidewalk and get hit by a bus! I guess it’s just fate and what God has in store for all of us right? But, for now I need blogs and people that relate to me that I can relate to. It’s necessary and I think deep down you need this too! (At least once in awhile) 😉

  9. Liz says:

    Some of my daughter’s friends have either graduated from 4 years of college, have a job, live on their own, gotten engaged, traveled, etc… My daughter was no different from them! She could have done any one of those things or all of them. She got lost in the addiction world though. My heart breaks into pieces every time I hear about what her friends are doing because she should have gone that route too. I try not to think about it or compare, because like you said, depression, sadness, and regret takes over. I just pray that she continues in her sobriety and someday gets her life together.

  10. Gary King says:

    I have a wonderful wife and three beautiful adult children. I love them all. My two daughters struggle with lifes ups and downs. My 27 year old son Zack struggles with drug addiction. Zack has been in and out (mostly in) of our lives for ten years. He is guilty of all the usual drug addict crimes. Lying to us, stealing from us, and breaking the hearts of his family, his friends, his employers, and everyone that has ever reached out to help him. Zack has been in jail at times and sober at times. He has lived with us and he has lived on his own. Through all of this Zack has been in denial. I am not embarassed by having a drug addict son, but the disappointment constantly weighs on me. When I wake up in the morning he is the first thing on my mind and at night he is my last thoughts. I go back and forth on blaming him, blaming myself, or blaming the so called crowd he hung out with. I run the gamut of emotions. Anger, sadness, depression, hope (is hope an emotion?). One day I’m pragmatic, the next, this is all my fault. Somedays, I can sit with a friend and enjoy a beer and a ball game while other days my mind just wanders to Zack and I feel guilty for trying to enjoy myself. I don’t have any answers. I throw my prayers out there, always guilty of not having enough faith. But I do know that I love my wife and I love all three of my children with all my heart. This blog has been a godsend. I hope you continue it but I understand if you don’t. The only advice I have is please everyone, don’t give up…don’t ever give up. Gary

  11. Lisa says:

    Gary…they say the last one you think about before going to sleep and she first one you think about when you awake is the one giving you the most joy…or the most pain! I too think of my son at both those times! That really resonates with me and I am sure many of us here. I would like to replace that with the one that brings me the most joy. That’s a struggle isn’t it? Ugh

  12. Jeff says:

    Mady, I have to ask, is it the blog you want to quit or life? Seems more like you just want it all to stop – you want life like this to stop. Unfortunately, quitting the blog won’t make everything else go away. It may help you to not have to look at it, which I think is really want you most want to do – just quit having to deal with all of it. I know I would! Unfortunately that’s not healthy or going to help. I so wish you could find a source of support in your real life. I think that’s what you need the most – outside help and support. All the things you don’t get from hubby and others. It has to be hard to read some of the comments that I know by now you know are correct and true (like J is being enabled) but not have the help and support to stop doing it. You can certainly quit the blog but the rest wont go away. I hope you don’t go away either! I hope you’ll stay.

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