Dear Longtime Lurker…

I totally agree with every single thing you had to say. Please come and pick  J up today and take him some where, any where I really don’t give a shit anymore. Maybe you know of a service that will come and remove the addict from our home free of charge because I will not pay one more penny towards any part of his addiction OR RECOVERY…please by all means pass me that information. If anyone can let me know of  a service that will convince my husband that this is the right course of action, please for the love of God get me that info too. I suppose I could throw myself on the floor and hold my breath until I turned blue to get my husband to agree to even go to a meeting or a therapist but I am pretty sure he would step over me on his way out the door…mumbling: I have to pay bills….gotta make money…mortgage, kids, college annnnnnnnnnddddddddd so on and so on.

I suppose I could leave….I am sure it would easy peasy lemon squeezie to find a hotel in the 10th richest county in the country, that will take two dogs and two kids that isn’t too far from their school. If I can’t pay for the hotel I will just sell my body when the kids are in school. Hopefully, a cot fits in the room so when my daughter comes home from college she has a place to sleep.

Email me I will send you my address so you can come and get him out of my house…cause you are right nobody should ever have to live like this.

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About madyson007

I am a mom of 4 who thought she was home free with her oldest son when he went off to college. My serious blunder? Genetics and being naive or maybe just plain stupid.
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16 Responses to Dear Longtime Lurker…

  1. Maija Lepore says:

    Stop hoping that someone is going to take him away. No one is going to do that for you- no one wants him. Your future, your happiness….it’s on YOU!

    • Dawn M McCoy says:

      This may come as a bit of a surprise….but this post was sarcasm…perhaps you have heard of that? Maybe not. I’ll give you the benefit of the doubt. Maybe you should go read the last 100 of her posts?

  2. Lisa says:

    I love your humor in the face of desperation. I do the exact same thing lol. I know it has been easier for others to just kick them to the curb. It hasn’t worked here for log either. My husband is scared. It’s our son. He doesn’t want him to die. Even though he has come closest to it in our very own home! Such a hard thing. I hope the courts know he’s using and get him long term treatment and he finds sobriety xoxoxox

  3. Annette says:

    Lets not forget that J is sick. To say that “no one wants him” is cruel. The symptoms of his disease are awful….deceit, his brain craves a substance that will slow its functioning down, numb his feelings and his thoughts to practical non-existence. Is it miserable for the family to watch? Yes. Unequivocally YES!
    My prayer is that he gets busted in his probation. That the judge sends him to get help. And that Mads….you start going to meetings somewhere, some kind, and apply the principles they teach you there for 6 months, whether they make sense to you or not, trust the process and begin to take care of yourself no matter what your husband does, no matter J does. J is a worthwhile person to still hope for. He’s lost in some really dark territory….but he’s young, and where there is breath there is hope.

  4. Tori Lee says:

    I agree with Annette. I hope you can help yourself regardless of what J chooses to do it is clear you are extremely miserable and have been for a very long time. Only you can stop how you handle everything. If he is going to stay living with you and you have no choice at all then you need to learn to deal with it. Start getting help for yourself so you can find some happiness.

    I get it, my son lives with us and that is our choice so it is different. I also understand how it can consume you day in and day out. I went to therapy a few times and it was well worth it. Bottom line for me was I had to take care of myself.

  5. MammaP says:

    Maija is wrong..YOU want him..maybe not the Active Addict..BUT you want J..He’s your son..your his mom..and NO ONE has right the judge you…For those of us that make the choice to keep our children living with us..it is our choice..Not an easy choice to live with and there are many days we feel like you and just want to runaway..But I do agree that you need to look after yourself
    also..It is hard to take that step..But once you take that first step..It gets easier..There are many support groups out there..counselor’s etc that can help YOU..Not judge you..Just give you ideas to help you through this..I’ve done it..so can you..Am I totally happy..heck no..But I am 100 percent better than I was..I am a work in progress…Reach out Mady…You have everything to gain..and nothing to lose..As much as I love having a blog..getting my feelings out..hearing from others..reading others blogs..advice..I need that support in person also..a hug..a smile..someone to cry..or scream with..something to do with my hands when I want to ring his bloody neck..I am achieving that by reaching out to my community..both by giving my time to others..and receiving time from others..Huggs

    • I would never judge anyone after what I have been through! I have been in the same place, and I know for sure that the only way to take care of your healthy children and hope for happiness is to get your child OUT OF YOUR HOUSE! Please forgive me if I sounded judgmental! I would NEVER want to add to your pain- I’m just telling you what works for more people than it doesn’t….

  6. Helga says:

    I’ll just say this. When my son in law was doing this, his dad and stepmom packed up his stuff and him, drove him to the city park in the middle of the night and dumped him there. With nowhere to go, he remembered my daughter from high school, who was his prom date 7 years ago back then. He called her dad, an attorney, (easy to find in the phone book) and he gave him my daughter’s phone number (I think he still kicks himself for this occasionally). After just setting her up with another apartment after another rehab and half way house stay, he came back into her life and that is when all of her legal troubles started. They had him out of their house and he came crashing into my life…..

  7. Jeff says:

    Some very good advice here. I’ve felt the same way for a long time now. Actually there is a service, there is an agency that will remove J from your home. It is called the local police department. If you call I guarantee they will remove J from your house. That service – exactly what you are asking for – is there. Trouble is, I know of no similar service that will remove your husband – at least not without other actions first. That one is not nearly as easy, making me wonder if that really is not the bigger problem here.

    I feel very badly for you Mady. No matter how you slice it, this is very, very hard.

  8. Sheri says:

    I honestly can’t believe that J got probation and is still using without consequences. He truly must have an angel on his shoulder. Eventually, his “luck” will run out and that is the sad truth.
    I truly hope that you are prepared for that.
    You have no boundaries with him. You allow him to live with you and use. You ALLOW it. I did the same and I regret that I did. I prolonged the inevitable . It isn’t over and I’m sorry to say that but I speak from experience . Fasten your seat belt my dear.

  9. Syd says:

    And there are probably people with NA who would come and do a 12th step call. If you call the NA intergroup they would help. Repeating the same stuff over and over is dragging you down and making your life unmanageable. I also hope that you will get help.

  10. Terri Hine says:

    Mady, when one is in the trenches of seemingly endless addiction, it’s hard to see, feel, hear, think, make decisions…well, the list goes on & on.

    I sense you are a sensitive soul, an extreme “feeler” like I am, perhaps? I’m going to say this with all the love & caring I can convey in this impersonal way of communicating: While this blog is a good place to vent, & I’m glad you do, it can’t take the place of human contact with similarly afflicted souls. Please, please, just reach out & find a support group, any support group where you can take care of YOU. Learn new ways of coping & thinking to help you regain your sanity. I so remember the intake counselor at my husband’s 5th “program”. While he was talking to my husband, he said doing the same things over & over & expecting different results was the definition of insanity. It hit me like a thunderbolt. I had been resisting group involvement b/c I was afraid. Afraid of being told to divorce, being made fun of b/c I had endured active, life-changing, income- elimination addiction for 5+ years, etc. But I decided right then & there that I was at my own bottom & I had to do something, anything different. I hauled myself to a meeting recommended by one of my husband’s mentors. I found love, hugs, no judgment & slowly learned new ways of thinking & conducting my life. One hour a week. One short hour. Please, I urge you, please seek support for YOU. Hubby doesn’t have to go with, or even support this decision. You can find meetings during days or evenings, weekdays or weekends. If you think you’ve chosen the “wrong” group, find another. Don’t stop trying, because living like this is just not working for you.

    I pray you will take my words as they are intended, to comfort you & share my experience that things can be different & even better whether J is using or not. Much love sent your way.

    Terri Hine

  11. DC says:

    You are in no way equipped to deal with J’s addiction. None of us are. As my son’s sponsor said to me “My mother almost loved me to death, and you are doing the same thing to your son.” What worked for me was asking my husband to leave with my son, or stay with me and be a united team. My husband was so afraid that my son would die on the streets, even though a couple of weeks before we had a friend whose son died of an overdose in their own home. There is absolutely no way to protect them. The only thing you can do is drop them at a homeless shelter or offer them treatment. I’m not sure kicking them out without an offer of help does much. Maybe it does though, helping them to reach their bottom. Ultimately for me, I reached MY bottom, and decided I would not be subjected to drugs and their lifestyle in my home. Home should be a sanctuary for you and your other children. I gave my son a three day notice that he would be kicked out, and he choose to find an unregulated sober home. I paid the first week, then told him he was responsible for living there himself. He couldn’t do it after 2 months, and asked me if he could go to long term treatment far away from our home. That is where he is today and is doing very well. Their brains need a good year or so to heal. I think long term treatment is the most effective way to treat a young adult.

  12. CrazyMom says:

    Mady,
    I stumbled upon this blog and WOW! I feel exactly the same way….only I took my son away on Monday for another 3 month stint in rehab. Usual story…bright, creative, funny, caring kind son turns into crazy, lying stealing maniac from the age of 15. I am on the merry go round and trying to detach but the tears keep rolling and my life is unrecognizable. I can identify so much with your posts, its like we have parallel lives! I too have lost tons of weight on the “grief diet”!

    DC you sound so wise. I haven’t detached…I still feel like a lunatic juggling all my jobs and emotions and secretly thinking that I can make him well. I love him one minute and hate him the next and when I hate him my guilt creeps in and then I hate myself! When it first started I blamed it on anxiety, depression, his self esteem, his friends, his disappointment with school etc etc. Now I just blame it on drugs. If he’s taking them he’s sick. If he doesn’t take them he is not.

    Keep blogging I need to know that I am not the only one.

    XO
    Crazymom

  13. Rita says:

    Let go can’t help someone who doesn’t want it I have 2 adult children who are addicts one is currently in a program and the other one is not I have been on this roller coaster for ten years and I am getting off I have helped both from physically,mentally and financially can’t do it anymore. It is a disease and only they can want to get better.

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