I have that scary feeling again…

The one in my gut that I get when ever something really bad is going to happen. I don’t want to live like this anymore. I don’t want my other kids to live like this anymore. Can’t the addiction monster take a break for the holidays?

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About madyson007

I am a mom of 4 who thought she was home free with her oldest son when he went off to college. My serious blunder? Genetics and being naive or maybe just plain stupid.
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11 Responses to I have that scary feeling again…

  1. Athena says:

    Ohhh, I hate that feeling – but have learned to not discount it. Sending positive vibes and a virtual hug…

  2. Gal says:

    Let’s face it…holidays are bad times for addicts and those suffering from depression. My daughter, who is a sufferer of both, is down for the count right now. No heroin relapses since June, thank God, but she’s unable to get out of bed other than to go to work. And she’s discovered alcohol. Yep, I know that scary feeling. She’ll be 29 on Sunday. Scary and sad.
    -Gal

  3. Madyson, I have been hesitating to comment over the past year but i have continued to check in on your blog. You see, my son lost his battle with heroin on December 16, 2012. He did have very bad depression and anxiety too. He struggled a long time. I have no answers and have learned nothing from this nightmare except the fact that i have no control really at all. Hug your son tightly,tell him as many times as you can that you love him. Write him a letter as if he is gone as i had to do and that the priest read to those who loved my son. Give him the letter. I’m not saying it will cause a change of heart but he will see the words that represent your love and how the loss will be felt for the rest of his loved ones’ lives, including weddings he should have been a part of, new babies–his nieces and nephews who will never get the chance to know uncle J. We are living on the “other side” of this trauma, never to return to the saying “where there is life there is hope”–there no longer is any hope for our son. My daughter has lost her only brother, her link to her past. I know you understand what my daughter feels since you lost your brother. The only thing I know is that my son is no longer in pain. But there are many here on earth who will feel some pain due to his loss for the rest of their lives. I wish i could have helped my son but time ran out. Now i just wished i held him longer the night before he died. I don’t know if it is appropriate here, but one thing i wished i had the chance to try was something called a Fisher-wallace device that may work for anxiety, depression, drug addiction. There have been some recent studies with cranial electric stimulation and treatment for drug addiction. We were in the process of trying to get this device when my son died. I am not endorsing this..it was just something that i wanted to try. Here is a link to a blog on the Huffinton post about it m.huffpost.com/us/entry/417091 . You can investigate further if you want. As i said, i have no answers- just a deep understanding of how you are feeling and how torn you are between loving your son and how angry and frightened you are. My thoughts are with you. I wish I had power to change this but I have none. 😦

  4. JoJo says:

    I’ve learned to trust that feeling. It saved my sons life once. Go look in all 3 of your big kids’ eyes and ask if there’s something they need to tell you. Check their pupils (small=opiate use, huge=withdrawals) and check their arms for tracks. Sending hugs and love.

  5. Gal says:

    Dear Lost Soul, thank you so much for sharing your pain. My heart goes out to you. Please know you have touched at least one person in a very memorable way. I will write the letter to my daughter. I feel like I’ve said it all 1000 times, but now I will say it in writing as if it is over. Your words have truly made a difference. And I feel I speak for all who follow this blog when I say we care about you. For what it’s worth, I’m praying you find comfort of some kind in knowing you are helping others.
    -Gal

  6. MammaP says:

    To Lost Soul,I am so glad you reached out,perhaps it will be the start of your healing by helping others.There is no love like a parents love and somewhere in those addicted minds of our children they do know this.In case he doesn’t, I remind my son all the time of our love.I am so sorry for your loss..hugggs

  7. Liz says:

    Dear Lost Soul, Thank you for sharing. It means a lot to me. I love my daugher so much and will be sure to hug her and tell her now more than ever. I am so sorry for your loss.
    Mady… You are in my prayers…

  8. Thank you for the kind words. I truly wish that no parent experience this agony.

    Madyson: I only have a few entries on my blog and have shared it with no one. I didn’t continue with it, but I will give you access to it. Is there an email address I can reach you at?

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