Okay…I have calmed myself.

BUT, I still freaking hate him right now.

“True strength is keeping everything together, when everyone expects you to fall apart…” 


About madyson007

I am a mom of 4 who thought she was home free when my oldest son went off to college. My serious blunder? Genetics and being naive or maybe just plain stupid.
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6 Responses to Okay…I have calmed myself.

  1. Helga says:

    Don’t let him pull your strings. Life does not revolve around him.

  2. Annette says:

    Oh Mads….I love ya. Life goes on. You are strong and will be fine.

  3. Sheri says:

    You don’t hate him, you hate the addict and the addict’s actions. Although it’s hard sometimes to separate the two, I myself try. That doesn’t mean that I give him license to disrupt my home or the lives of any of my other loved ones. It just simply means I love him, I always will and I hope even when there seems to be nothing left to hope for.

  4. Mikki McLain says:

    Hello..I have read your whole blog over the last 4 to 5 days. I ran across Ron’s and he had a link to someone else’s blog. I went there and you were on the list of blogs she read. I am not dealing with addiction in my life, at the moment, but I have in the past. I noticed you were curious about who was reading and never commenting several times, so I thought since I had “caught up” I would comment. First, let me say, I am so sorry for what you are going through and my prayers are with you and your family!! MY story is..I was SO naïve that I married an addict and had no clue. I led a sheltered life, went to a Christian school and Christian college. My Dad had lung cancer (only child and a big Daddy’s girl-Mom and I never got along real well) and I dropped out of college to be home with him. He died about 11 months later, after cancer had metastasized through his whole body. I honestly cannot remember where my Mother went after the funeral. Probably to one of her sisters. I stayed with one of my Dad’s brothers and his wife for a time and later with a cousin and her husband. My “childhood sweetheart” was working in another state and he showed up a month after Dad died. I had gone to church with him since I was a little girl. My dad and his were both ministers. We had remained friends. Before I knew it, I was getting married to him. I got pregnant on our “honeymoon” (he “lost” the money saved for it). He was high on our wedding day on Demerol and Percoset. I was clueless. He treated me like a queen while I was pregnant–long story…but, I HONESTLY did not KNOW he used drugs until the day I divorced him 4 years later!! He told me and begged me to stay with him. I had been through so much that I didn’t even care anymore at that point. We moved all the time in the middle of the night–I worked–he sold my car that I had bought before we were married. He showed up to get my check at work–I was lucky if I had food money. He had affairs, left me at work with no way home. I would get a ride with a guy that went by close to where we lived and got accused of having an affair with him. Total manipulation and lies that he knew I knew were lies. Nobody told me until after the divorce that they knew he was using. I just thought he was crazy! Our beautiful son loved his Daddy and spent lots of time with him. Every weekend and holiday except the “split” for Christmas Eve and Day. Summers were mostly spent with him. I was working to keep us barely going–he was living with his grandmother, using, and paying no child support. I married a wonderful man about a year and a half later. My son was 4 and he loved him more than his bio dad ever did. Finally when my son was 12–it had progressed to the point that he could only see his dad with supervision–his dad’s mother. SHE allowed him to take my son to his girlfriend’s house (he had moved in with her–she worked at a pharmacy!!) His mother called me one morning and told me where they were and said he was high and had threatened to kill her if she came to the g/f’s house. I went and was able to get in a back door which was open. I found my ex and my beautiful son in bed, almost dead. He was on a suicide and “i’m taking him with me trip”. Never had happened before. I got them both to the hospital just in time for the ex–son was ok..just took him a couple of days to sleep it off. Could NOT get him arrested–he had “friends” in the Police department. Took him to court for child support and female judge was ready to throw him in jail–asked me what I wanted her to do. I took him outside and asked him to allow my husband to adopt him and to stay out of his life and I would drop it. He agreed. Husband adopted him..but, now I know he stayed in touch by phone and once son got his license..he was going to see him. He had all the same traits except for the drug use. MY fault for letting him spend so much time with “dad” when he was growing up. The whole family – mom, grandmother, brother and wife and little girl–all lived side by side-it was in the country and I knew someone was watching him and he kids to play with there. He became a liar, manipulator and everything else “bad” about an addict. I was in the medical field and never saw any effects of drug use. He loved my husband and thought I was crazy. I have severe fibromyalgia, scoliosis and also major depressive disorder, bipolar, and panic disorder. One of his therapists told him I was a “bad mother” because I spent too much time in bed. Of course, I’m sure he never once told her about my physical problems! He ended up being home-schooled his senior year..so he got a diploma but he wasn’t even interested in going to graduation. He was in and out of school after that for years. Today he is 32 yrs. old..married for the 3rd time and has NO contact with either my husband or myself. We have no idea why, other than his wife made no secret of the fact that she felt she was “better” than us–going on what he told her (and she met his bio dad). So, once they had borrowed our car for the honeymoon and got all the money they could out of us for the wedding (we had paid the groom’s part on 2 already-so weren’t as generous but still helped out) he returned our car to us..left and that is the last time I have seen him. That was in 2009. He called me on my BD in 2010…last time I have heard his voice. We emailed some and texted some and slowly that tapered off to holidays and then to nothing. Got an email, written by his wife, basically telling us not to text or call unless somebody died. He is an only child. I have no intention of calling him if/when anything happens to my Mother or anyone else. I “heard” through the grapevine that he is in real estate and doing well. I was finally able to find him on the internet–he didn’t even look like my “son”. He had wiped his tracks online except for the real estate link–I hadn’t even been able to see what pic he had on his FB page for years. SOOOO much more to the story–but, it helps me to read these blogs somehow. My heart is broken and reading about what an addict can do or even the scars they leave somehow helps me not feel so alone.
    Thank you for an honest account of your feelings. Thinking of you and hoping somehow you have a good Christmas! Hugs..M

  5. Liz says:

    Mady, I know you think you hate him, but you don’t… I thought I hated my daughter too, but what I really hated was the drugs. I think the drugs have such a hold over our kids’ brain that it changes who they are… The disease takes over. My daughter is clean now for several months and she is pretty much back to her old, beautiful, sweet, funny self. She tells me when she’s using she is ‘drug sick’. Now, I just feel extreme sadness and sympathy for her struggle. Hang in there.

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