J received his Christmas cards filled with $100 dollar bills, money from his aunt and grandparents. They told me it was coming and I tried to beat him to the mailbox but I work for a living so obviously I failed that mission. I DON”T want to be his keeper…I don’t want to be responsible for his money. A month in Jail plus 15 days home clean and today he threw that away. I know it and he knows I know it. Nothing makes me madder than when he looks me in the eye and tells me I am crazy. I asked him to take a test and he said the classic line every addict must utter when confronted “I just went to the bathroom and I don’t have to pee right now…” I didn’t actually think Jail would cure him but I did think he would stay cleaner longer than this. I can’t breathe and I hate him. I think J is a selfish bastard that didn’t have the decency to remain clean so that his family could have a Christmas free of drama for the first time in 5 FUCKING years. Is that to much to ask? My family is mad that I noticed. They want to pretend everything is fine…his sister got home from college today! DAMN him couldn’t he have waited to destroy what was looking to be a very nice Christmas.
I am right back where I started…he is a very sick young man. J is not going to get better ever. I don’t know what to do or where to go. I just want normal. I am begging God…please just give us all a normal life with no addiction. PLEASE….I can’t take it anymore. I am not strong. I can not pretend everything is okay anymore. I don’t want to be anyones mom anymore…it is dangerous. We are all making the same mistakes over and over again. What is going to happen to my other children? How do I stop this from touching their lives. They are beautiful and fragile. They live with a black cloud and a selfish bastard of a brother. I CANT DO THIS ANYMORE…please GOD listen to what I am saying.