Tick tick tick….BOOM!

J received his Christmas cards filled with $100 dollar bills, money from his aunt and grandparents. They told me it was coming and I tried to beat him to the mailbox but I work for a living so obviously I failed that mission. I DON”T want to be his keeper…I don’t want to be responsible for his money. A month in Jail plus 15 days home clean and today he threw that away. I know it and he knows I know it. Nothing makes me madder than when he looks me in the eye and tells me I am crazy. I asked him to take a test and he said the classic line every addict must utter when confronted “I just went to the bathroom and I don’t have to pee right now…” I didn’t actually think Jail would cure him but I did think he would stay cleaner longer than this. I can’t breathe and I hate him. I think J is a selfish bastard that didn’t have the decency to remain clean so that his family could have a Christmas free of drama for the first time in 5 FUCKING years. Is that to much to ask? My family is mad that I noticed. They want to pretend everything is fine…his sister got home from college today! DAMN him couldn’t he have waited to destroy what was looking to be a very nice Christmas.

I am right back where I started…he is a very sick young man. J is not going to get better ever. I don’t know what to do or where  to go. I just want normal. I am begging God…please just give us all a normal life with no addiction. PLEASE….I can’t take it anymore. I am not strong. I can not pretend everything is okay anymore. I don’t want to be anyones mom anymore…it is dangerous. We are all making the same mistakes over and over again. What is going to happen to my other children? How do I stop this from touching their lives. They are beautiful and fragile. They live with a black cloud and a selfish bastard of a brother. I CANT DO THIS ANYMORE…please GOD listen to what I am saying.

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About madyson007

I am a mom of 4 who thought she was home free with her oldest son when he went off to college. My serious blunder? Genetics and being naive or maybe just plain stupid.
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12 Responses to Tick tick tick….BOOM!

  1. Gal says:

    You are stronger than you think. I’m praying for you.
    -Gal

  2. Helga says:

    There is a lot you can do. Start with not allowing him to live at your home anymore, so you don’t have to look addiction in the eye every day, for starters. Your home is your castle and should be a place where you are comfortable, not uncomfortable. You are the master of your domain…. Hugs.

  3. Helga says:

    P.S. You can also tell your relatives not to send any mail to J at your address, because he does not live there anymore. Then tell him that it is his responsibility to inform them of his address if he wants to receive money in the mail from them.

  4. Sheila says:

    I found that the only way I could detach enough was to not live with L once she turned 18. Otherwise the drama kept invading my home, and I have the right to a peaceful home. I might have felt differently if she had been TRYING to deal with her issues, but she wasn’t and we both knew it.

    Do your best to detach with love from J and enjoy the rest of your family over this holiday season. I will keep praying for all of you. Hugs!

  5. Syd says:

    Madyson, you don’t have to live with it anymore or have his addiction make you crazy. And you said it yourself–We are all making the same mistakes over and over again. So do something different! I understand the fear but if what you are doing isn’t working. Trust that J will be okay without your trying to fix him. Trust that he knows you love him. Trust that you and the rest of your family can have a peaceful Christmas if boundaries are enforced. I hear so many stories similar to yours at every meeting. The difference is that the people in recovery have learned they can’t fix their loved ones. They can’t make them get clean. They have learned to detach with love and take care of themselves. I hope you and your family find some peace.

  6. Ivy Green says:

    That sounds like enough money for J to get a place of his own. It may be time for him to “declare independence” and voluntarily move out of your home. It wouldn’t have done any good for you to intercept the gift mail, and it might have created more hassles for you, and more extended family strife.

    Holidays are especially difficult because of our expectations, but also because of our memories of happier times past. My first pain-filled meetings were during holidays. I learned holidays too, can be lived one day at a time.

    All the thoughts and feelings you have are “normal” reactions to this disease that we each have experienced. Without them, we don’t acquire the readiness to embrace a better way to live.

  7. Annette says:

    Mads, YOU have got to find a way to continue to live your life despite what happens with J. Yes, its sad that your son is in the place that he is. But his life is not your life. I say this as the mother of a long time drug addict. Our life is often lived with a pain in our hearts because we are the mom but we can continue to live despite this tragedy. And not just exist, but live a life with some joy in it. Take care of yourself and be mad for awhile, but then let that go. It only hurts you. He is a sick person and his behavior is a symptom of his sickness.

  8. Erin says:

    There is nothing easy about living with active addiction in your home. It is very hard to take care of yourself and focus on your life when surrounded daily by the chaos that active addiction brings. I don’t even know what to say other than I would probably reach out to his probation officer at this point to let them know what is going on, that may mean a return to jail for him or possibly when he goes in January for his current case a long term treatment recommendation which would get him out of your house. Every situation is different but this did work for my son, if he relapsed during drug court he would have been mandated into a 12 month residential program or serve 18 months in prison. The courts are trying to put non-violent (drug addict) cases into rehabs or drug court and not prison.

  9. I agree with Helga’s posts – no need to repeat the messages. Mostly, I just send love and hugs and prayers to you, Dear One.

  10. Patricia says:

    I am so sorry you are going through this. There is so much wise advice given here by your blogging friends. My only addition is urging you to find more support.

    I found your blog a few months ago so I am not clear if you are in a 12 step program – NarAnon or AlAnon??? When we were in the midst of a similar family period, I talked to my sponsor daily, sometimes more. I had to hear with each day or incident, what was meant by detachment. It was just a word until someone helped me practice it in little ways, over and over. I would love for you to find some one who can walk this closely with you.

  11. Liz says:

    Mady, I’m so sorry about everything. My heart is full of support and hope and prayers for you. I do agree with Patricia regarding getting support.

  12. Tori Lee says:

    I am so sorry.

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