J’s girlfriend came to visit this morning. She did my younger daughters make-up for her cheer banquet. She is very talented but to smart to settle for life as a make-up artist. She graduated from the same competitive university J dropped out of with a business degree and has not been able to get a job. So she is applying to schools to get her masters and a teaching degree simultaneously. I really love her and miss having her in our daily lives.
She talks to J on the phone but is clearly getting on with her life… as she should be. J may never realize what he gave up for drugs but we both know. He gave up a dream girl he could have married and lived a beautiful life with. She would have supported him and they could have made a life together. She has let go of a man she loved who now has very little hope of a successful future.
I asked him not to long ago did he realize he was choosing drugs over his family, over his future wife and his future life. He just rolled his eyes at me like I was being the melodramatic mom AGAIN. I am just not sure he will ever see it like that. Drugs was always this unexplained mystery that just possessed him. It was beyond his control and we were just never going to understand. Well he’s got that right….I will never understand.
They were just words for both of us at the time but I understood that this wasn’t just a possibility. It was just a matter of when and it didn’t take very long at all. We are all grieving. Instead of longing to connect with J I dread every phone call. How do you grieve for a son while he pleads for help and makes promises you know he can’t keep no matter how hard he wants to. I really do believe every single promise spoken…I just don’t believe he can keep them.
Today is Sunday and he will call me tonight. I will keep the promise I made and talk to him. I am his mother, I owe him that. He deserves to know I love and pray for him but it is so hard to say “I am sorry but I will not bail you out…” He wants me to come and visit him. I am a coward…I just can’t. My husband is an even bigger coward. He will not even speak with J. He doesn’t want to feel anything…he must be really glad he has alcohol to keep him comfortably numb.