I believe him…

J’s girlfriend came to visit this morning. She did my younger daughters make-up for her cheer banquet. She is very talented but to smart to settle for life as a make-up artist. She graduated from the same competitive university J dropped out of with a business degree and has not been able to get a job. So she is applying to schools to get her masters and a teaching degree simultaneously. I really love her and miss having her in our daily lives.

She talks to J on the phone but is clearly getting on with her life… as she should be. J may never realize what he gave up for drugs but we both know.  He gave up a dream girl he could have married and lived a beautiful life with. She would have supported him and they could have made a life together.  She has let go of a man she loved who now has very little hope of a successful future.

I asked him not to long ago did he realize he was choosing drugs over his family, over his future wife and his future life. He just rolled his eyes at me like I was being the melodramatic mom AGAIN.  I am just not sure he will ever see it like that. Drugs was always this unexplained mystery that just possessed him. It was beyond his control and we were just never going to understand. Well he’s got that right….I will never understand.

They were just words for both of us at the time but I understood that this wasn’t just a possibility. It was just a matter of when and it didn’t take very long at all. We are all grieving. Instead of longing to connect with J I dread every phone call. How do you grieve for a son while he pleads for help and makes promises you know he can’t keep no matter how hard he wants to. I really do believe every single promise spoken…I just don’t believe he can keep them.

Today is Sunday and he will call me tonight. I will keep the promise I made and talk to him. I am his mother, I owe him that. He deserves to know I love and pray for him but it is so hard to say “I am sorry but I will not bail you out…” He wants me to come and visit him. I am a coward…I just can’t. My husband is an even bigger coward. He will not even speak with J. He doesn’t want to feel anything…he must be really glad he has alcohol to keep him comfortably numb.

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About madyson007

I am a mom of 4 who thought she was home free with her oldest son when he went off to college. My serious blunder? Genetics and being naive or maybe just plain stupid.
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6 Responses to I believe him…

  1. Dawn M McCoy says:

    Dont say “I am sorry, I will not bail you out.” Don’t apologize. You did not put him there. Say instead, son, I believe in you, and when YOU believe in YOU, you will figure out what you have to do to get yourself out of this mess you have created…..

  2. Lisa says:

    Exactly Dawn. You can keep telling him you will not be part of the process so that you can I sure nothing that happens is on you. It’s on him. That keeps the door closed to any responsibility on your part…but you can still keep reiterating you love him. My son learned one profound statement from the director at his sober house ‘Give up that ONE thing and have EVERYTHING or give up EVERYTHING for that ONE thing’. Not saying he gets this yet, but he did find it pretty profound!

  3. Gal says:

    I have nothing wise to say, except I am praying for you and your family. Your family is lucky to have you.
    -Gal

  4. Me too … praying for you. My son lost a beautiful, sweet girl as well. I wrote a poem about the grieving the loss of my son – even though he was still alive and breathing. I’ll send it to you if I find it.

  5. Summer says:

    You could be talking about my son up until the part about being in jail. It’s so incredibly awful, the things and the people they give up for dope. I’ve had the same conversations with my son that you have had with yours and I got the same reaction. It’s so sad. I hear your frustration and I’m right there with you.

  6. Bena ball says:

    This is my first comment, but I’ve been reading your blog for a long time, and I have a son in prison for selling drugs. Not the first time to be incarcerated. Visited him recently, and it does take a bit of courage! Keep practicing being strong. Stay away from the emotion-charged “what if’s” and “if only’s.” Stay in the moment and take care of you. It will get better!

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