Five years ago I started to slowly lose weight. Then about two years into J’s addiction weight started to fall off at an alarming rate which at the time seemed like a positive. I could stand to lose some weight. Until several serious health issues kicked in and a little more weight was lost. In the last year I have slowly added some weight back…much to my unhappiness. Not a lot but enough that I long for the day when I could just choose not to eat because I was NEVER hungry. I had to force myself to eat.
I must be more emotionally stable than I was 5 years ago or 3 years ago or even 1 year ago. In the past J going to jail would have been good for at least a drop of 5 pounds. I have not lost a single pound. This may sound silly but it really is a pretty good indication of how much better and stronger I really am. Stress was killing me…visibly killing me.
I just recently saw a picture of Khloe Kardashian in a fashion magazine. She is considerably thinner than I have ever seen her before. They were asking what the secret to her successful weight loss was…she talked about her trainer and eating habits but I know better. I recognize her because we have something in common. We both love an addict.
I know what a woman who loves an addict looks like. A woman who would do ANYTHING to change what’s happening. The stress of trying to hold her husband together is going to lead her straight to the hospital soon if she doesn’t recognize that her addict is making her sick…every bit as sick as her husband. Desperation is a scary emotion one that I don’t want to dwell on again anytime soon.
Don’t get me wrong I feel despair and I ache with longing for J’s recovery. I just don’t feel that it is my job or obligation or duty to fix it. So I pray…a lot. I hope God has a plan because I know I don’t. I really hope someone is driving J’s bus because I got off several stops back.