I feel like a coward…

Way back early in this journey when J was caught and ultimately convicted of felony possession, he looked like an addict. A skinny hollow shell, with deep dark circles, blank eyes and his pants hanging on his lanky body.  He went to rehab and came back looking like the old J.

J never looked like an “addict” again after that arrest. He would get hollow, shadowed eyes every once in awhile but in general looked very healthy and put together to the rest of the world. I think it is how he was able to fool his friends, probation officer, counselors, his grandpa, his father and his girl for so long.

The only person he had trouble fooling was me. I was compelled to study his eyes every day. I knew what I saw. I saw a fool who was using…those shiny blue eyes with tiny pupils I knew what that meant. I also often saw an addict who was in pain with big black pupils that told me he was withdrawing but trying to keep it a secret…trying to be a good boy but always failing miserably.

I stopped looking after awhile…I detached because I knew it really didn’t matter what I saw, I was not in charge of his sobriety or relapse. I needed to look away for my own self preservation. If I couldn’t save him I was damn well going to try and save myself and the rest of my family. Yet, sometimes detaching feels cowardly….looking away and doing nothing. Averting my eyes as my son dies a little every day.  Is this the easy way out? How have we all gotten to this ugly place?

Now I am coward who will only take my sons call once a week because it is so painful to answer his questions. My husband is even worse and will not take his calls at all. My husband doesn’t want to feel…so a couple of extra drinks and working late and falling into bed is working for him. I want to be blissfully unaware and take a Xanax and feel nothing but I don’t have that luxury. I will not do that to my other children.

Have you ever thought about how easy it would be to just take a couple pills and not care?

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About madyson007

I am a mom of 4 who thought she was home free with her oldest son when he went off to college. My serious blunder? Genetics and being naive or maybe just plain stupid.
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7 Responses to I feel like a coward…

  1. Ron Grover says:

    I understand completely how you feel and what you are saying. Detaching with love is hard to do and still feel you care. I know you care or there wouldn’t be this blog and you wouldn’t be writing like this.

    I too tried the detaching FROM love. If I don’t care it would be so much easier. Just throw him away, some how, save myself. I couldn’t make that work. Just now and just recently could I think critically about that part of my life parenting an addict. Just recently I was able to write about it.

    Detaching with love is learning how to separate our child from the addiction and the disease. It is possible to detach them from the disease even when they are still suffering.

    When I was trying to do the detaching from love I was reminded that there is still a person in there. At that time I blew it off as one of those old tired cliches. Now I understand that without seeing and remembering that there really is a person in there there can be no recovery for either him or me.

    You’re not a coward. You’re a mom working her way through this the best way you can, just like all the rest of us. remember one thing when it seems so bad, cold and tough……you are not alone in this. And, J is not alone in this either.

  2. Helga says:

    It might be helpful to check out some Alanon Meetings in your area. Just a thought.

  3. Sheila says:

    This detaching thing is so challenging. In my case, she’s not living with me. That helps in one sense – I don’t see the day to day mayhem although I do see too many partying photos on Facebook. The downside is she rarely communicates with me, which hurts. Her dad just bought her her 3rd car in 5 years (after telling me how tight money is – WTF?!) Meanwhile my hubby and I each have over 200,000 miles on ours. Looks like she’s on the 6 year plan for college which her dad is also paying for. So of course she loves her dad, Mr. Enabler, and has no use for me. Sigh.

  4. Tori Lee says:

    I could have written this – J and B and you and I are too much alike. Well that’s it I don’t have anything else.

  5. dawn says:

    Many many many MANY times love. Daily sometimes. Hourly. I still do.

  6. DC says:

    Yes, I am tempted to take a pill to take the pain away. But then we become THEM, and I will not succumb to this madness. I have also wished to never wake up in the morning, as well as to die from a terminal disease. Having other children gives me the will to live and to make the best of what I do have.

  7. Syd says:

    I thought at one point that I would drink to show my wife what it was like. It didn’t phase her. I could not drink like she did and realized that I didn’t want to. Taking a pill or drinking doesn’t make the problem go away. It’s still there when you wake up. The only think that helped me was to realize in recovery that I had to take care of myself and save myself from destructing. It isn’t cowardly to refuse to buy into the insanity of the disease. It takes a lot of strength to not get roped back into the manipulative behavior, the lies and deceptions. Your son has his own Higher Power, whatever he chooses that to be. You aren’t his HP and cannot be. It’s okay to take care of yourself and love him without getting pulled back into the drama of addiction.

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