Way back early in this journey when J was caught and ultimately convicted of felony possession, he looked like an addict. A skinny hollow shell, with deep dark circles, blank eyes and his pants hanging on his lanky body. He went to rehab and came back looking like the old J.
J never looked like an “addict” again after that arrest. He would get hollow, shadowed eyes every once in awhile but in general looked very healthy and put together to the rest of the world. I think it is how he was able to fool his friends, probation officer, counselors, his grandpa, his father and his girl for so long.
The only person he had trouble fooling was me. I was compelled to study his eyes every day. I knew what I saw. I saw a fool who was using…those shiny blue eyes with tiny pupils I knew what that meant. I also often saw an addict who was in pain with big black pupils that told me he was withdrawing but trying to keep it a secret…trying to be a good boy but always failing miserably.
I stopped looking after awhile…I detached because I knew it really didn’t matter what I saw, I was not in charge of his sobriety or relapse. I needed to look away for my own self preservation. If I couldn’t save him I was damn well going to try and save myself and the rest of my family. Yet, sometimes detaching feels cowardly….looking away and doing nothing. Averting my eyes as my son dies a little every day. Is this the easy way out? How have we all gotten to this ugly place?
Now I am coward who will only take my sons call once a week because it is so painful to answer his questions. My husband is even worse and will not take his calls at all. My husband doesn’t want to feel…so a couple of extra drinks and working late and falling into bed is working for him. I want to be blissfully unaware and take a Xanax and feel nothing but I don’t have that luxury. I will not do that to my other children.
Have you ever thought about how easy it would be to just take a couple pills and not care?