I took the call…

and oh how I wish I didn’t. J is terrified. He made all the typical promises if we would only bail him out. My husband said no. So looks like he is coming around but I am wavering.

He sounded like a little boy, my little boy and it broke my heart into a million pieces.  “I love you mommy” “I am so sorry” “I am so glad you answered, I needed to hear your voice” “When are you coming to get me” “Why won’t daddy take my call” “PLEASE mommy give me grandpa’s number” and on and on and on it went as I quietly wept.

He has been in there a week today. We will not be bailing him out but if he get’s a hold of grandpa we are done. My father will bail him out on the spot. I am praying he can not reach my dad.

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About madyson007

I am a mom of 4 who thought she was home free with her oldest son when he went off to college. My serious blunder? Genetics and being naive or maybe just plain stupid.
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15 Responses to I took the call…

  1. Lisa says:

    My son sounded the exact same way. Remember they want out and they want to get high to make the reality go away. They are used to making reality and hurt and boredom and sadness and anger and all other issues go away with opiates. And right now he has none so he is actually learning a very valuable thing while sitting there. He CAN survive without the drug. Let him keep seeing that. Call it a step. I know how very hard it is but the longer he is there the clearer his mind becomes and the clearer his mind becomes the better his chance to get that AHA moment! Of course I know how hard it is and this is just my suggestion. You have to do what is right for all of you!

    • Jeff says:

      Oh Lisa, Lisa, Lisa, you were there! I was giving you high fives through the computer. With every next sentence I was thinking this woman has it right, she knows the truth. I was even going to write and say how smart Mady’s readers are and how she needs to listen to people like you, Lisa! And then you went and totally blew it at the end. It’s doing what feels right for “all of you” that keeps people like J in their addiction. Doing what you first said that is the real RIGHT THING to do. So now I have to tell all the other readers to listen to everything Lisa said right up until she caved and had to throw in those last two sentences! Pretend they are not there. Better yet, why don’t you delete those last two sentences. You were soooooo close Lisa you really were! Stick with your first words and don’t allow parents to make THEMSELVES feel better by bailing their addicts out.

      Jeff
      Former opiate addict clean since 10/22/2009

      • Lisa says:

        Well Jeff…I don’t want to be right…I just want to help us all feel appropriately connected in a way only all of us can. But I cannot preach for someone to do what doesn’t feel right for them to do. I wouldn’t want a parent to listen to me and follow what I say and then have something tragic happen. I am not perfect. There are things I do that enable the hell out of this situation. And there are parts of me that don’t! Same for my husband!

  2. Dawn M McCoy says:

    They all miss mommy and they all find Jesus, till they get out.

    • MammaP says:

      Dawn I love this..So true,I remember my son’s first stint in Jail when he came out wearing a homemade wooden cross hanging around his neck..4 days later..Cross was gone..as was he!

  3. Helga says:

    They know all the right words and know how to push our buttons until the button are worn out and don’t work anymore which can take a long time. I hope yours are about kaput!

  4. Ron Grover says:

    I hear ya. It breaks your heart but sometimes we must do things that hurt us. Remember the first time he got a shot as a tiny baby. Why did you as his mommy and protector make him got through that? That’s right to help him the rest of his life. Even though you felt so bad when that little needle punctured his baby skin.

    Lisa is right. He is processing emotions now. Emotions he used to use drugs to cover.

    Being there for him doesn’t mean bail him. Letters allow you to say things that are very hard to say when you talk. He can also read those words over and over instead of just replaying what he heard in his mind. I would encourage you to write and visit. YES, it will be hard and it will be terrible for you both. Through the glass on a phone is tough but it may be what he needs to see that you are there for him but he must accept his consequences.

    If you visit, you and dad need to prepare yourself. Role play if you need too. The manipulation and begging will be hard to resist but you must do what you can for both of you. Go to an Al-Anon meeting and ask what to expect.

    Make sure he knows you are there for him but he must do his work. In fact I found it helpful for me to tell Alex this, “I cannot fix this for you.” As a fixer that helped me to understand what my role was and reinforce to myself not to take something on that I can’t do.

    Good Luck

  5. Lisa says:

    I found one of the most profound things for my son when he was in ‘protective custody’ (as Ron eloquently calls jail and I agree) was when I sent him a few books straight from my Amazon account to jail. One he loved was Chris Herrens story, Basketball Junkie. He really read it! Go figure! I think when they are there they are locked there and not high and it gives us an opportunity to communicate in ways we can never do (as Ron stated) when they are out and dodging us 😉

  6. The best thing for my son about staying in jail for four months (one of the best things) was that he fully detoxed and it taught him that he never wanted to go through that again. **The sooner you get him out, the less he learns.** My son did the same thing – when we visited him in person: “I can’t stay here! I’ll die! You have to get me out!” No. Saying no was the best thing. Please consider this.

  7. Sheri says:

    I write and see my son. I don’t go every week. It was very hard at first but we are communicating on a better level.
    He has been in jail almost three months now. Not sure what the future holds, but he is alive, clean and safe.

  8. MammaP says:

    It is sad hearing that little boy..I cry each and everytime I get these calls when he is in jail..But I will not give in..He is safe..warm..fed..off the street & most of all..Drug free!!
    The only time I get a good nights sleep..hugggs..Stay strong!

  9. Beachteacher says:

    I’m sorry you’re going through this. As a parent, it’s very very hard. I hope J learns that he IS strong enough to get through this & it motivates him to make good choices going forward.

  10. Jeff says:

    Great job Mady. Great advice from your readers as well (just please completely ignore Lisa’s last two sentences from her first post). I can only imagine how hard it is but there is no doubt it is the right thing. How can I know? Simple, you’ve tried it J’s way in the past and it DID NOT WORK. You tried it his way, now do it your way, which is the right way. It would be crazy to think that doing the same thing that brought terrible results in the past would come out any different this time.

    Plus, and please hear me loud and clear. Everyone else as well – this next statement is not my opinion, it is fact. J or any addict who has fully detoxed, which at this point J has or is very, very close, is at the most risk for overdose resulting in brain damage or death, after a full detox. I saw it happen over and over again as a paramedic. I’ve done CPR on nearly a dozen patients for this reason. It happens because their drug tolerance is greatly reduced or even erased. When they constantly use they build up a huge tolerance. So much so that their “normal dose” is much higher than you or I could ever take. What J takes to get a good high might kill a regular person. After full detox, the addict becomes a “regular person” again but they think they still need their old dose when they relapse and it nearly kills them – many times it does. This is fact and it sadly happens all the time. Letting J out could kill him now that he is no longer using and losing his tolerance to opiates.

    Keep him right where he is. It’s the best shot he has at life.

  11. Beachteacher says:

    Jeff – thank you for writing what you’re writing to help us parents of addicts- but I can almost guarantee all of us reading here know that. Unfortunately – as they say — not our first rodeo. Sadly. 😟

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