My husband went to see a lawyer…

and I called his probation officer. The lawyer of course said he could probably get his sentence reduced for OHhhh ummm around $8000.00. I told my husband I would divorce him if he spent $8000.00 to reduce J’s sentence by a couple of months. There is no lawyer in the world who is going to get him out of this mess. My husband is mulling it over…WTF?

Drug court is the best he could hope for and quite frankly if it meant two years in drug court verses 12 months in jail. Well lets just say J would be able to fill the obligations of incarceration. From what I can tell drug court is a set up for failure for even the most motivated addict. He doesn’t drive…and I am not giving my life up to make sure he gets to court. I know that sounds harsh but this isn’t even something my husband would consider helping out with, which places it squarely on my shoulders.

His probation officer said leave him in jail and have him start talking to a social worker/addiction evaluator so when he goes before a judge he can say he is actively seeking long term rehab. The judge will need to mandate long term rehab and our insurance may not cover it. If the recent 30 day rehab bill is any indication we may have to sell our house to pay for long term in-patient.

There was one interesting piece of information that I may be willing to follow through with. J was in a very urban area in a bad part of town, in a county that has a really scary jail as jails go. If we post bail, J has a “detainer” out on him for violating parole in the county he lives in. The county we live in is a low crime area with a MUCH less scary jail.  If we placed bail at “scary jail”…he would immediately be transferred to “less scary jail”. I could live with that….I think?  I am mulling it over.

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About madyson007

I am a mom of 4 who thought she was home free with her oldest son when he went off to college. My serious blunder? Genetics and being naive or maybe just plain stupid.
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12 Responses to My husband went to see a lawyer…

  1. Lisa says:

    Something to consider … You are spending a lot of time and effort on this. Both of you. Why not make J do all the work. I have started to learn, and trust me not at first and not even the first few years, that why don’t I back away. I thought…whatever I do to get in between the process could very well effect the outcome. And how do I know that my efforts won’t be detrimental? For example, if I pay bail and he gets out and wants to get high for one more time before he knows he will be going to jail…how do I know that won’t be the dose that kills him. What if I talk to his PO and he gets him into the swankiest of sober houses and then has the freedom to do drugs (which I believe he does now) …is that then on me for choosing the place? I feel like anything we do that we might feel is helping …or making it a little harder for them ….or trying to circumvent any part of the process or punishment …could end up slapping us right back in the face. Let the process take its course with every turn and groove. Don’t spend your money. He wants drug court…let him find his rides. He does jail time…let the court that has him first sentence him to the jail he is tied to. Public defender? Let the court choose. He can always go before the judge and ask for another! Let him be the big grown up he thinks he is when he scores drugs. They have the drive and determination to get drugs with or without a car….they go down to the seedy part of town to get their drugs among those people you fear him sharing a jail cell with. They are much more resourceful and tougher than you think. Let them figure it out!

    • Helga says:

      Amen! Unless our kids find their own way, nothing will make any difference. You can lead them to the water, but you can’t make them drink. Period.

  2. Iisten to Lisa. leave J there. Leave it go. Its J’s problem, let him solve it

  3. mysonisanaddict says:

    It’s. Out. Of. Your hands. Period. Don’t be foolish- if you help him, you are telling him it’s ok to do what he does. Cut your losses, take care of your healthy children and go ahead and grieve. You can’t fix this. Period.

  4. Erin says:

    It has been my experience that a public defender will get you about the same plea as the expensive lawyer, depending on how bad the charges are……

    I did not have the finances to pay for a lawyer for my son so he had no choice but to use the public defender and I would absolutely not take out a loan to retain an attorney for him.

    My son did and is doing drug court, his last arrest was his turning point. He has been clean and sober for 14 months (just for today). He has to do 18 months in drug court and five years probation. He started in one county and then was transferred to our county so he will be doing a total of two years in drug court. It isn’t easy not here anyways, he has to go to court every Friday, he has to meet with his caseworker every Thursday (she tests him randomly), he has to see his probation officer twice a month, she tests him as well and will also show up at my home unannounced to do “house visits” to see how it is going and to inspect the premises (you cannot have any alcohol in the house) or they will not be allowed to live with you. There are random drug tests, you have to call every single morning to see if your number has been picked. He had to do a month in-patient and six months out-patient. He attends meetings three nights a week. There is a lot of driving involved for me but he is clean, he is working and is doing well so it is worth it to me. I don’t do all the driving, he takes cabs when I am at work. He was ready though. I have been to court with him on many occasions as it isn’t worth dropping him off and then going home and turning around a half hour later to get him. I see many go to jail when they fail drug tests and don’t comply with the other requirements. If you fail many times you go to prison and serve the original sentence. The system is far from perfect but my son needed accountability and they hold him accountable I sure as hell wasn’t doing a good job with that at all.

    There are many who have successfully completed drug court, I’ve seen the graduations, but you have to be really serious about recovery and wanting your life back. It is up to the addict. I was here to support my son in his recovery but he did all the work on his own and continues to. I have no contact at all and have not had any contact with his caseworker or his probation officer other than the questions she asked me during the house visit. When he first was transferred to our county I spoke with his caseworker once as she wanted to speak to me.

    It was the most stressful time going through all the court hearings, etc., yes I went with him but I wanted to be there to support him, I wasn’t going to be able to change the outcome thats for sure but I did sit there with him. I know what you are going through and it is absolutely horrible.

    Oh, I did not pay for any of the treatment as it was court mandated my son went to a state run rehab and honestly they had a great program. He was also told that if he relapsed early on they would send him to a 12 month residential program.

    Sorry for the long post. Whatever decision you and your husband make is okay, there is no one size fits all answer when it comes to any of this. I hope it all works out for J I will be praying that things fall into place the way they need to so that J seeks recovery.

  5. DC says:

    I think until you and your husband are a united front, there is no way that J can take you seriously. My husband and I were on two different pages. I kept watching my son spiral down as my husband denied and enabled. When he came home from work, my son would “play” my husband and undermine all the boundaries I had in place. Finally, I gave my husband an ultimatum, as I felt I had already lost my son. I packed both their bags by the door, and said, “Make your choice. Choose me, or leave with him.” He was so frightened of letting our son go; afraid he would die. But he was killing him with love!

    My husband chose to be my partner. My son fought back, but gradually knew he was defeated. Once we were a team, he couldn’t manipulate us against each other. That’s when things started to change. I’m happy to say he chose to get well.

    • DC says:

      I eat my words! Just found out my son relapsed. But my husband and I are still a team and my son knows that recovery is the only thing we will support. My son is asking for a long term program. He is leaving tomorrow…praying that he has finally surrendered. If not, he’s on his own.

  6. Helga says:

    Don’t. Go. There. Live your life. Nothing you have ever done in the past has had an influence on J’s behavior. Leave it alone and take care of your self. It truly is the best thing you can do. I speak from experience.

  7. Sheri says:

    I agree with Lisa. Its time for J to realize that if he can be resourceful enough to score drugs, he can direct that energy into saving himself. My son is sitting in jail right now . I do go see him and write to him but it’s totally on him to fix this. I am not exhausting any more of my time or money to fix something that IS NOT MY PROBLEM. If he goes to prison, I will be sad and I will always love him and tell him that BUT I also love myself and my daughter. He doesn’t get all of me any more. I had to stop before there was none of me left.
    As far as a scary versus non scary jail, really? Jail should be scary.

  8. Summer says:

    What I have learned from my son is that the more his dad and I did for him, the more entitled he felt. Your son, my son too, will never learn to stand on their own two feet as long as someone is around to do the heavy lifting for them. It’s awful, heartbreaking and scary as hell but J deserves the chance to man up and figure out how to solve his own problems.

    DC, I love how you handled your husband and son. So courageous! Wonderful to read that your son is doing well.

  9. I have been following your posts of the past few days. Don’t know if it always holds true, but when my son turned around was when we left him in jail (4 months), left him in charge of dealing with his public defender, and let him work it all out himself from then on. My husband did house him once he was out four months later, but that’s it. He was responsible for himself. We paid NOTHING from then on. And when my ex left my son $ for gas, he kept track, and N paid all of it back little by little. He paid all his own court costs and his last rehab. He regained respect for himself and his abilities. When we do things for them, we are silently saying “we know you cannot do this for yourself, little boy.” Let him be a man. Whatever the outcome. (Not talking simplistically. I say it all with love and constant prayers for all of you).

  10. Liz says:

    I don’t know what to say other than I am so sorry for all that you are going thru. It just breaks my heart to hear of your pain and suffering and also the suffering of your addict. Our children are sick with a disease. I have gone through the same things with my daughter too. Please know that although we can’t do anything tangible from our keyboards, we most certaintly are praying for you and that your son gets better.

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