My husband is wavering…

He wants to bail J out. He says J has spent a couple of days in jail, now lets get him out. He doesn’t think it is right that we leave him there. I told my husband that then he would need to be the one to take off from work and get him to all his court dates. Nothing has been decided yet but I can see my husband getting anxious about the current situation. I feel his pain.

I am mad one second and crying the next. I didn’t sign up for this. I went through great pains to avoid repeating my childhood and here I am reliving it as a mom instead of a sibling. My childhood experience ended with a dead brother. I don’t want to bury my son. Please god hear me…

I feel like I am being punished that J is my Karma for not handling my brother in a compassionate way. I hated my brother for what he did to my parents and in turn my life. I am mad at J but I do not hate him. I fear what is coming…

I know what ever the future brings it is not going to bring peace and that is what I crave. I just want peace and just a pinch of happiness thrown in every now and then. Why is that so hard to achieve? This has been a long road…why am I not deserving of peace?

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About madyson007

I am a mom of 4 who thought she was home free with her oldest son when he went off to college. My serious blunder? Genetics and being naive or maybe just plain stupid.
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11 Responses to My husband is wavering…

  1. Lisa says:

    You have to do what is right and feels right for both of you. Period!

  2. Ron Grover says:

    Detaching WITH Love is not the same as Detaching FROM Love. Hubby needs to understand we cannot detach J from his consequences. It is very tough for all. Hubby needs to be there for J but he doesn’t have to bail him out.

    There are those collect calls from jail. Jails have visiting hours.

    This is when a counselor can help. One that is experienced in child addiction. Both you can work together on this. If you can’t go to a counselor call The Partnership Parent Helpline. 1-855-DRUGFREE Speak to Jerry or Denise, they are professional drug counselors that specialize in talking to parents. It is free. M-F 9-5. Leave them a message of they are talking to someone, they will call you back. Tell them I told you to call. I know them both.

    Here are my two articles on the above subjects :

    http://parentsofanaddict.blogspot.com/2011/02/detaching-with-love.html

    http://parentsofanaddict.blogspot.com/2013/10/detach-from-love.html

    Also I would recommend that you get a book if you haven’t already read it: Get Your Loved One Sober, Alternatives to Nagging, Pleading and Threatening.

    http://www.amazon.com/Get-Your-Loved-One-Sober/dp/1592850812/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1382911442&sr=8-1&keywords=get+you+loved+one+sober

    If hubby wants to talk to another father have him call me.

  3. Dawn M McCoy says:

    Sweetheart. You ARE deserving of peace, and love, and laughter. Your husband is that little dutch boy trying to stop the flood by plugging the dike with his thumb….but some floods can’t be stopped.

  4. Sheri says:

    It’s hard when parents are not on the same page. It was mostly that way with my husband.
    I hope you can find some common solution.

  5. Annette says:

    Oh Mads, this post above all others, breaks my heart. We all deserve peace and we each are in charge of creating and protecting our own peace. Detach with love….
    J is most certainly NOT your karma. That’s not how it works….in my opinion at least. Addiction does run in families though and my guess would be that your boy was the grand winner of that genetic predisposition. nothing about paybacks applies here. You may have been angry and hateful to your brother, but I’m assuming you were much younger. You hadn’t had the life experiences you have now had…you hadn’t been broken yet. There is much grace in the universe for our mistakes, for not understanding, for judging harshly. We are just people. Forgive yourself, forgive your son and let him go to live his life….whatever that may include….and be at PEACE. (((Hug)))

  6. Syd says:

    I’m sorry that things are rough, but I hope you know that none of what is happening is your fault. Being gentle with yourself and realizing that you have done so much for your son can help you move past the feelings of guilt. No one can undo the past. I hope that you will find comfort in knowing that there are many things to be grateful about today–your son is alive and is in a safe place. Those are good things.

  7. Jeff says:

    Your husband wants to do what will make HIM feel better. That’s what’s going on here. How selfish! How very, very selfish! Your husband feels bad. Your husband feels anxious. So he wants to do something that will make him not feel the way he is feeling – no matter if it helps J or hurts J. It’s all about him. How selfish and how sad. What is the definition of insanity? Is it not doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results? Funny how when J makes bad choices and does the same wrong things over and over again he is the bad guy, but when parents do the wrong things and make the same wrong choices over and over again, well then it’s only because they love their child and “don’t know what else to do” J uses drugs because it makes him feel good in the moment and helps him, at least for a while, to not deal with the reality of his life. How is bailing J out, yet again, not the exact same thing? Yet J is the one making the same bad choices over and over again? J is not alone. Not by a long shot. J’s dad and J are way more alike than either would ever want to admit.

    Hang in there Mady. YOU are doing the right thing even if you feel terrible about it right now. So very sorry that you have two people in your life making really bad choices in order to make themselves feel better in the short term.

    • madyson007 says:

      Oh my God…you are right. My husband doesn’t like this feeling and wants to make it better. He wants to feel better. This is exactly the same reason that he will not support me in throwing J out.

  8. Tori Lee says:

    I do think you have to do what is best for your family and with writing that I know how hard it is not to be on the same page – My Husband and I were not on the same page for years. I hope just for J’s sake that your Husband leaves him there to face the Judge – but I completely understand him wanting to get him out. Of course we all want it to go away and with my Husband he would have done anything to keep B off drugs. I don’t think that made him selfish it is natural and of course when our kids are doing well we are happier. Well, I probably shouldn’t write much, I am pretty messed up when it come to all of this stuff. I am praying for you, I am so sorry you are going through this. We all deserve happiness and peace. None of us signed up for this life.

  9. MammaP says:

    Maddy both my parents were addicts..It was left to me to raise my younger brothers…And now..like you..My son is an addict…I also crave peace..You are not alone..and you are not being punished..Wish I knew why this was handed to us..Cause I would hand it right back!!..Hugggs

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