and for today I am happy. It is so very clear to me when J is clean and when he is not. I often find it bewildering that others can not tell??? I think when he is not clean it is like someone punched the air right out of my lungs and then the other part of me starts trying to rationalize why I might be wrong. Early in this journey the ever hopeful me would rationalize myself right into believing that I was the crazy one. I sometimes miss that person. That person was able to suspend the reality that was right in front of my eyes and pretend everything was fine.
I can’t do that anymore and it is probably for the best even though it is a more painful way to live. My parents are up and J is not only clean but looks incredible. He is not hollow eyed and pacing he is just my boy. Some one please explain to me how he is able to do that? How can he use for a couple days then stop? I know he loves his Grandpa with all his heart and he wants to make him proud but why can’t he just make me proud or better yet make himself proud?
If he has such control and can stop when he must or when he wants…why does he just not stop forever? I do understand the more games he plays the harder it is to stop and get clean…which is why he eventually ends strung out. Addicts never seem to understand the logic of relapse and using one time, just one tiny teeny little bit starts this whole circle all over again. That the key is to say to your self: “Today I will not use or even right now I will not use. I don’t know what tomorrow will be bring but I know right now I will remain sober”. That’s it because if he said that to himself every morning the tomorrow of relapse would never come.
Seems logical to me? I sometimes do that when I am having a chocolate breakdown. “Today I will not have any chocolate…tomorrow I will re-evaluate but today no chocolate.” Then I turn into a cranky bitch and everyone secretly wishes I go to bed early but… Hey! I had no chocolate today. There really is something to be said for this “One day at a time….”mantra.