J is clean…

and for today I am happy. It is so very clear to me when J is clean and when he is not. I often find it bewildering that others can not tell??? I think when he is not clean it is like someone punched the air right out of my lungs and then the other part of me starts trying to rationalize why I might be wrong. Early in this journey the ever hopeful me would rationalize myself right into believing that I was the crazy one. I sometimes miss that person. That person was able to suspend the reality that was right in front of my eyes and pretend everything was fine.

I can’t do that anymore and it is probably for the best even though it is a more painful way to live. My parents are up and J is not only clean but looks incredible. He is not hollow eyed and pacing he is just my boy. Some one please explain to me how he is able to do that? How can he use for a couple days then stop? I know he loves his Grandpa with all his heart and he wants to make him proud but why can’t he just make me proud or better yet make himself proud?

If he has such control and can stop when he must or when he wants…why does he just not stop forever? I do understand the more games he plays the harder it is to stop and get clean…which is why he eventually ends strung out. Addicts never seem to understand the logic of relapse and using one time, just one tiny teeny little bit starts this whole circle all over again. That the key is to say to your self: “Today I will not use or even right now I will not use. I don’t know what tomorrow will be bring but I know right now I will remain sober”. That’s it because if he said that to himself every morning the tomorrow of relapse would never come.

Seems logical to me? I sometimes do that when I am having a chocolate breakdown. “Today I will not have any chocolate…tomorrow I will re-evaluate but today no chocolate.” Then I turn into a cranky bitch and everyone secretly wishes I go to bed early but… Hey! I had no chocolate today. There really is something to be said for this “One day at a time….”mantra.


About madyson007

I am a mom of 4 who thought she was home free when my oldest son went off to college. My serious blunder? Genetics and being naive or maybe just plain stupid.
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7 Responses to J is clean…

  1. Tori Lee says:

    J and my B sound so similar. B does not want to be an addict he wants to be clean that is why he keeps trying. He uses then stops for a couple of weeks then it repeats. I honestly didn’t know that existed I thought they either used all the time or didn’t. He has been doing this for months now. Today J and B are sober that is great news.

  2. Annette says:

    Today is a really good day and for right now, that is enough. ❤

  3. MammP says:

    I am so happy for you ! No better feeling,(not even a chocolate high) than knowing our children are clean 🙂 My son is back to active using,I am always amazed and saddened how quickly they change physically..He looks like death..

  4. Summer says:

    I’m going to “Amen” what Annette said. Take it for all it’s worth and celebrate…just maybe not with chocolate, lol. 😉

  5. Syd says:

    ODAT is the way to go. Glad that today he is clean.

  6. Liz says:

    My daughter has had many relapses over the years – currently, she is clean and living at home with me. She was living in a halfway house in FL, but now she’s home due to legal issues that will not allow her to leave our county. I cannot even tell you how lovely things have been with her home and CLEAN. It is like having my old daughter back.. she actually cuddled up with me on the couch to watch TV and said “you can play with my hair if you want”…. I almost passed out because it has literally been 5 years since she’s been affectionate with me… She has been calm, sweet, funny, keeping her room nice, being respectful, etc.. I also have not been overbearing or controlling…. just keeping my distance.

    I told my husband, it’s like taming a wild animal… Take it slow and let her come to me. LOL. But truely, I am so blessed to have my old daughter back, and I relish every single day.. knowing that it could end, but praying that this time sticks.

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