I want to believe in a benevolent God…

A God who is there for those in need. A God who cares…and hears those who fiercely pray and believe. I don’t want to believe I am being punished or that J is being punished. Why can’t faithfully believing be enough?

I think J has relapsed. I am empty…devoid of all feelings good or bad. My gut is telling me something has changed. I use to let myself think that my gut was crazy but not so much anymore. I realize I am pretty intuitive and have always been able to read people and situations remarkably well…it is by far my biggest strength but also my tragic flaw.

When will God hear me? Someone please bring me peace because this feeling of emptiness is scaring me. There is nothing more to say on this blog. I refuse to re-write the same story. I am done.


About madyson007

I am a mom of 4 who thought she was home free when my oldest son went off to college. My serious blunder? Genetics and being naive or maybe just plain stupid.
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16 Responses to I want to believe in a benevolent God…

  1. Lisa says:

    😦 Do not be done. Just be. Stranger things have happened to turn around a hundred relapses, overdoses, prison terms, failed rehab stays and MORE!

    Keep hope in your heart no matter how hard that is…

    Where there is life there is hope!

    Praying xoxoxox

  2. Sheila says:

    I believe that God wants us all to be healthy, happy, and whole. He doesn’t want anyone to be an addict. Addiction is not a God-given punishment for the addict, or their parents, or anyone else. But since God gave people free will, they can make self-destructive choices.

    I also believe in the power of prayer. But God has his own timetable, and I am often impatient for results right now.

    If J has relapsed, that is sad. Just remember, though, it’s his problem and he has to become the solution. Not you. Try to stay detached.


  3. dawn says:

    have no expectations. get him out of the house if he is there. move on. you have done everything humanly possible. continue praying, but don’t take M’s burden on yourself. I disagree slightly. I gave up hope. finally, finally…it freed me to move forward.

  4. dawn says:

    *J’s burden. stupid autocorrect.

  5. Syd says:

    I agree with Sheila. J has his own Higher Power. I pray for those that are sick and suffering, rather than asking for specific results which means that I am trying to insert my will and tell God what to do. That has not worked in my life.

    It’s time for J to figure things out. You have done what you can do. And I listen to my gut because it is almost always right.

  6. Ron Grover says:

    Dear Madyson,

    I don’t do the god thing. From an outside perspective it isn’t a god thing towards you. It’s a J thing. As it has already been said, J has the control or lack of in this. It isn’t personal towards you by J either.

    J has to reach the point that he wants recovery more than he wants to continue.

    It isn’t easy for anyone. At some point you have decisions to make too. Where can you go and where you cannot.

    From my experience, trust your gut.

  7. Lulu says:

    IF he is using, there is nothing you can do that you have not already done.
    Breath in.
    Breath out.
    Breath in.
    Breath out.
    Repeat and follow with the Serenity Prayer.

  8. Annette says:

    God is with you. He hasn’t gone anywhere. I love what Sheila said. And Ron….this isn’t a God thing, its a J thing. If anything, God is weeping with you.

  9. My perspective is a little different. There is no use wondering if. It will be painfully undeniable very soon if he is using. I sometimes wonder if when people say that God saved them does that mean they think God condemd the others that did not recover?

    I think that bad things happen to good people and good things happen to bad people. As my pastor told me this is a broken world. Our rewards often come in the next life. And yet I encourage you to notice what is left to be grateful for. We have to learn to cope and even find happiness weather or not the addict gets sober.

    Really bad shit happens to everyone over time. God will not save us from pain. Faith in God can help us endure pain but not spare us from it.

  10. Summer says:

    Oh Madyson, don’t give up! God is with you. You just have to fall into Him and He will lift you up. I know it’s so hard. I have prayed ceaselessly for so many years for my son and he is still so lost. But I know he is alive because of those prayers! I know God is protecting him every single day. I know God is nagging at my son’s soul each and every day. He is doing the same for your son. He is listening and he is working. You have nothing to lose by trusting…it’s that simple. Don’t stop blogging, don’t stop venting…we are all here for you!

    I am praying right now for you and your son. Be strong Madyson…you are NOT alone!

  11. Liz says:

    Please don’t be done – with your blog or with believing that he will get better. My daughter is clean now, but she could relapse at any time… She HAS relapsed many times, but has learned from it and gotten clean again… Each time it happens I am devasted beyond words. I feel like I can’t breath and that I’m going crazy and that I just want to sell everything and run away from it all… Somehow, I get thru it though. Our kids have a terrible disease that takes control over them sometimes, but I have to believe that each time they fall back, they learn something that will help them move forward – each in their own time. Just love him Mady…. replace anger with compassion.
    I get so much strength and hope from these blogs… you, Ron, Bill, etc. They help me more than any Nar-Anon meeting has. Please don’t give up – we are not giving up on him.
    I will continue to pray for you and J.

  12. melissa says:

    Oh I feel you so much here. I read this post and my heart just hurt for you. I know you have surrounded yourself with the “hope” bubble and the fact that just maybe he was getting it this time around. This is J’s path in his life. He is learning his truth and it’s not personal. My daughter too struggles daily with what she knows is right and what she chooses to do. She is 6 months pregnant and has used 97% of her pregnancy. I thought God had put this baby in her life to give her hope, and I believe it did for about 3% of time. Addiction is wicked and powerful. God is still watching everything and he is still in control of the outcome. The trials and tribulations are there to teach them something we can not. Listen to your gut and know that if you feel something you feel it. But also listen to your brain and know that this has very little to do with you. Take care of yourself regardless how bad you feel for J. You are the most important part in your life right now. YOU and your kids. J will be J and he will do what he has to do in order to learn. It’s out of your hands. You have done your best and you can’t continue to beat yourself up over something that isn’t meant for you to take on personally. You are in my thoughts daily.. and I wish you strength and courage to make it through this.

    Be Strong and Kind to yourself.

  13. nbloom says:

    God hears your prayers. He will be there for you regardless of what J chooses. I don’t believe God changes our addicts without their permission, but I do believe He continues to place people and events in their lives to provide opportunities for them to seek Him. In the same way, God provides people, events, (and even blogs like yours) to all of us parents who are searching for hope and desperate to not feel alone. Praying for you and J

  14. Dawn M McCoy says:

    “God isn’t about making good things happen to you, or bad things happen to you. He’s all about you making choices— exercising the gift of free will. God wants you to have good things and a good life, but he can’t gift wrap them for you. You have to choose the actions that lead you to that life.” Dresden Files-Jim Butcher

  15. Tori Lee says:

    I am so sorry for you and J. I think we all know that feeling.

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