I talked to J on Sunday. He sounded so good….he sounded exactly like my son not the Alien. He sounded so hopeful and I know he wants to hear me tell him how excited I am but I am having a really hard time doing that. My breath did catch a couple of times and I had these fleeting thoughts of “Oh my God….wouldn’t this be great if this addiction journey was coming to an end?” followed quickly by thoughts of “Oh please, how many times have we been through this?”. It really goes against my nature to be so guarded. I have always been so optimistic in general, seeing the good in people and the good in even the worst situations. I guess this is just another way “Addiction” has profoundly changed who I am.
I do have hope but this hope is a very different kind of hope than it was 5 years ago or even two years ago…this hope has reality attached to it. I don’t think I like this kind as much as the other. Blindly believing felt so joyous this hope feels so very fragile.