Feeling fragile…

I talked to J on Sunday. He sounded so good….he sounded exactly like my son not the Alien. He sounded so hopeful and I know he wants to hear me tell him how excited I am but I am having a really hard time doing that. My breath did catch a couple of times and I had these fleeting thoughts of “Oh my God….wouldn’t this be great if this addiction journey was coming to an end?” followed quickly by thoughts of “Oh please, how many times have we been through this?”. It really goes against my nature to be so guarded. I have always been so optimistic in general, seeing the good in people and the good in even the worst situations. I guess this is just another way “Addiction” has profoundly changed who I am.

I do have hope but this hope is a very different kind of hope than it was 5 years ago or even two years ago…this hope has reality attached to it. I don’t think I like this kind as much as the other. Blindly believing felt so joyous this hope feels so very fragile.

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About madyson007

I am a mom of 4 who thought she was home free with her oldest son when he went off to college. My serious blunder? Genetics and being naive or maybe just plain stupid.
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7 Responses to Feeling fragile…

  1. Annette says:

    Omg, this is exactly how I’m feeling. Fragile, afraid to hope, and wondering who I have become. A burned out worn out mother of a chronic relapsed, drug addict.
    I hear in this post, your sheer joy at seeing a glimpse of your real boy though. For a minute, those glimpses give us our kids back and it’s like none of this has happened…until the minute passes and we are back in the middle of setting boundaries, living from afar, working hard to not enable, etc. etc. etc….all the hard work moms like us have to do to keep themselves relatively same.

  2. Tori Lee says:

    I feel the same way. Right now he is 9 days sober but had a really bad day yesterday. I thought well that was a nice 8 days but he made it through. The first year was so hard with all the ups and downs of sobriety and then just when I thought it was safe he relapsed/OD’d. I think we have to hope for the best and not let it consume us if they relapse. I am so happy to hear he is doing well.

  3. Syd says:

    It may be because this hope is bordering on an expectation. Very hard not to go there. But expectations turn out to be premeditated resentments. Just hope without expecting anything is really good. Wishing you and J the best.

  4. Cindy says:

    What I am learning is to let go of my son, and allow him as an adult to make his own decisions while at the same time, enjoying every sober minute with him. I encourage his sobriety, tell him how proud I am and how much every interaction means to me when he is sober and my son, not the addict. I have learned to let go of what tomorrow may bring…it’s not in my hands. It’s out of my control. The only thing I have control over is learning to enjoy today.

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