I am no longer a newbie and that really sucks! When did I become an experienced mother of an addict? I am getting old…who said that was allowed to happen? I never agreed to any of this.
I have been reading some blogs with parents who are newer to the world of addiction. I can see how much they want their child to get better, to get help and be done with this world. I can also see how much they are willing to do to make this happen. I can remember when I started this blog how naive I was, but also how very desperate I was and I DO mean desperate. I was willing to sacrifice anything including myself to fix it. I would read the comments left on some of my earlier posts and think: “That parent doesn’t understand, she must not love her child as much as I do”. God….I was such a fool, please forgive me!
Now I want to be the person to comfort that new parent, but also the parent to say STOP! You can not fix your child’s addiction! You can not drag her to meetings or a therapist or even rehab. STOP! Get off the crazy train! Don’t waste your money forcing solutions on your child but most of all don’t sacrifice your physical and mental health for the health of your child. Learn by my mistakes and know that it will not work. YOUR CHILD WILL NOT GET BETTER UNTIL SHE IS READY! So you spending thousands and thousands of dollars on therapy, on rehab, a new school, guitar lessons, trips to get away etc…will not make your child well. Nothing will make your child lose interest in their drug of choice, until they are ready. Screaming, bribing, making deals and contracts until you make yourself throw up, changes nothing except your own well-being. Negotiating with God…nope not working. I think I finally realize it’s not my deal to make. How’s that for an epiphany?
I was a healthy and happy mom of four when this journey started. Now almost 5 years later….I have high blood pressure, had my gall bladder out, lost, gained and lost a large amount of weight and recently had a colectomy. It may sound like I am in my 70’s but I’m not even close. I made myself sick….I truly believe I sacrificed my health in my quest to make my son well. No more….I will not do that anymore. I need to be there for my husband and all of my children.
My other little golden nugget of information to pass on to a new parent: Relapse should not be taken as a personal insult. I recently had a screaming match with my husband. He was shouting to anyone who was listening: “How can he do this again? Doesn’t he understand he is screwing up everyone’s life not just his own? How can he do this after all the money we have spent on school, lawyers and doctors? How can he do this to ME!!!!!!!” My response: What makes you think this has anything to do with you? Do you think he is relapsing because he wants to piss you off? Do you think if he loved you more he wouldn’t do this? Do you think if you loved him more he would stop? I don’t think I truly understood the meaning of the FIRST STEP until this moment.
I really am powerless over my sons addiction….I love him but I can not control him or his addiction.
A Mom's Serious Blunder... 
Madyson, this is your best post ever! The first step is the biggest one towards serenity! Hugs!
Step 1 – We admitted we were powerless over the addict – that our life had become unmanageable.
Not an easy step but we all eventually get there.
I watched an interesting video regarding addiction:
The benefit for me when I finally got it was relief and peace. I no longer need to think of the perfect suggestion, facility, medicine for her. I am much less angry with her as I am not spending my time working for her recovery. The fight is over for me because I realize this is not my battle . . . even when I tried to make it mine, it never worked . . . so now I choose not to attend this drama.
Even so, I know from experience that each person has to get to that point on their own. I had to hear “let go”, “not your problem”, “turn it over” many times before it clicked. I don’t know what brought my “click” but i know support group meetings and my sponsor were critical for me.
This should be published somewhere! It is so damned sad, but it’s all so true. We just had a similar experience here with the relapsing and dad feeling hurt and betrayed. Excellent post Mads!
I can relate to every single word. Such a great post….so sad and so true. Hopefully it reaches other parents who are new to our terrible club. I’m not sure I would have been able to truly hear this in the beginning but I sure wish someone had told me.
God bless you, Madyson.
amen!
I have thought these same thoughts. You hit the nail on the head with this post and I am going to link to it today (not that anyone will see it since my blog is pretty much dormant). Its just so hard to accept at the beginning that there is NOTHING you can do and that they will not stop until THEY are ready. My heart aches for all of us, but mostly for the new parents because we know what they are entering into and it ain’t pretty…its more like the worst nightmare you will ever have 😦
great post
Excellent Advice..Thank-you!!
Thank you so much for this post. You hit the nail on the head.. everything you said is so True! After years of this addiction rollercoaster ride, I am finally getting to this point. It’s has taken me so long because as a Mom, I felt it was my JOB and RESPONSIBILITY to be involved in her recovery. I just wanted to fix everything. I believed that my devotion and persistance to keeping her clean would be enough… Oh, but I was wrong. It is so true that they will not change or stop until THEY are ready. I have had to accept that she could very well die from this disease and there is nothing I can do about it. It is a horrific reality, but sadly one that we all have to accept.
May God bless you for sharing your painful story … our family is one of the “newbies” and have had the most devastating summer. I will make sure others in the family see what you have so eloquently stated. From the bottom of my shattered heart, Thank You.
I am so sorry to hear that you are a newbie. Blogging or maybe just writing things down can really help get things out. For me all these emotions bottled up eat away at me and when I can get it down in my blog it is like I can let go of some of it. My pent up emotions and aching heart ease just a little bit. I hope you can find some peace in this for your own self preservation. My sons addiction made me a very sick woman and I didn’t even know it. Thank you for passing this on to your family, I hope it helps. Visit some of the blogs on my list too.
Your kind words are appreciated. I did write a letter last week, and afterwards there was the most liberating feeling I had had since we heard the news of my niece’s addiction. You are so very right that it may be helpful for some to express it even though the loved one may never hear or read the words. My daughter found your blog and sent me the link, and I am so grateful! Thank you for allowing me to lean on your words of experience — I’m still on the rollercoaster of emotions. I will pray for your family.
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