Yes…sometimes if I don’t have drama to focus on in my life…I vegetate which leads to some interesting thoughts. I sometimes think I am a bad person, a bad mother and a bad wife. I think maybe it is me who has put us in this unhappy place. I have actually briefly considered the possibility that my family would be better off with out me but quickly decided that nope they really wouldn’t. As flawed as I am, they need and love me just as much as I need and love them big flaws and warts and all.
I am not sure where all this negative thinking is coming from? I realize when I read the above paragraph it sounds like I have contemplated suicide but that is not at all what I meant. I have just thought about different scenario’s, like if my children were brought up by June Cleaver on Catholic Steroids. Would their lives have been different? The answer is yes it would have been different, but who knows if it would have been better? They still would have had Big J as their dad with all his flaws and warts.
I guess this really stems from a guy named Peter. He left a comment on one of the blogs I love to visit. He told her that she was mistaken if she thought she didn’t have her self to blame. He told her she needed to take responsibility for her child’s addiction and turn to Christianity because thats what was missing in her life and her child’s life. He inferred that her values that she passed on were so messed up she produced this defected child. It upset me so much because even though I left a comment refuting his claim I know he still thinks that he knows better and really believes it. He has a young child and another on the way. He really thinks that this could not possibly happen to his children. That he has it all figured out and if we had all followed his future plans of Christian values none of this would have ever happened to our children.
Do you know how many people believe this? a lot and this makes me so sad. When Corey Montieth died I saw people leaving messages on FB and tweeting things like…feel sorry for Lea Michelle she has to live with his stupidity….He brought this on him self, why are we mourning him… How do I reconcile these beliefs with what I know? I am a failure as a mother in the eyes of the world and we have people like Kathy Lee Giiford to perpetuate this notion.
How on earth did I miss out on the “Christian Addiction Immunity” clause? Umm… I am Christian, I guess I am just not Christian enough?