Out of control…

J is no longer in control. Fortunately the alien has not completely possessed his body because he has decided he has no choice but to go in-patient (unlike when complete alien possession takes place and he would do anything for another fix). Things are looking up but I will believe it when he is actually checked into re-hab. Saturday is the big day! This was not entirely his choice…the writing was on the wall. He stopped attending (OP)out-patient…shocking right? Probation was today and he was going to test dirty and show zero attendance to all mandatory OP meetings.

Call my son names but stupid he is not ….today he called rehab in the morning, met with probation officer this afternoon and admittance IP on Saturday. All great things and none of them involved me…which was really great and unique to previous stays. Let’s hope things change because it’s what he wants.  If he did this for the wrong reasons we will be right back where we started a short time after he is released.

Why do addicts not think about the possibility of over dose and death? I am sure Corey Montieth, Heath Ledger, River Phoenix and my own brother and sadly I could go on and on but none of them went to sleep thinking they were going to die? Why does my son think it will never happen to him? Why do they all think they are smarter?

About madyson007

I am a mom of 4 who thought she was home free when my oldest son went off to college. My serious blunder? Genetics and being naive or maybe just plain stupid.
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18 Responses to Out of control…

  1. Helga says:

    To answer your question: That is what they all think because the drugs give them a feeling of being invincible. I am hoping and praying that it will stick for J this time.

  2. Annette says:

    I think that our kids are so bound by their addictions that they fall into rationalizing and defending and excusing…..just like we do when we are sick in our co-dependence. Until it all falls apart and they are forced to acknowledge its out of their power to get well. Just like when it occurs to us that we can’t fix our kids…or anyone for that matter! Until we all try it one more time because this time might be different! This time maybe I can control my use. This time maybe my girl will listen and follow through on one of my brilliant ideas. This time….it seems we all always circle back around to looking at our powerlessness and trying to trust a power greater than ourselves to do for us what we can’t do for ourselves.

  3. Lisa says:

    Well we both had that feeling of impending doom. My son overdosed yesterday once again. I don’t know how many more times he has in him. Thank god yours is going to rehab. Driving mine to detox in a few minutes. I suspect he’s just dodging probation. I don’t know what happens next but I know I just cannot keep having him back in my home.

  4. Tori Lee says:

    I know my son doesn’t want to die. I know that he also will say that he has used so many drugs at one time he can’t believe he hasn’t died. He has friends that say he has used so much at one time that even the other addicts would try to get him to stop. I would love another forced rehab stay. It just can’t hurt and we never know when something will click and they will get it. And how wonderful you stayed out of the way (it is so hard for me).

  5. Madyson: First, I’m glad your son is going into rehab. I will add my prayers that he follows through. Whatever his motive, it will be a period when he will be supervised, off drugs, and perhaps you can rest a bit. Also, you never know what might turn him around. So we hope. As far as what they are thinking … they are NOT thinking for the most part, and that’s the awful thing about addiction. The brain shuts off at the stem and getting thoughts up into the higher part of the brain is nearly impossible. The craving is animalistic – instinctive – like an animal responding to hunger. It’s not something they will rarely ponder.
    Years ago, before jail, my son was on his way to purposefully overdose because he couldn’t stand living in addiction anymore. The cops picked him up just in time. Now, he says God sent them to save his life. Who knows. I’m so sorry for your struggle and think of you often.

  6. Erin says:

    There has been a multitude of overdose deaths in my area this past month. They are forming committees, etc., to address the heroin problem. Sigh….. My son survived an overdose last summer. Unfortunately a young man my youngest son went to high school with died this past Tuesday from an overdose, he was in his senior year of college, came from an affluent family, had every opportunity in the world. The father came home at lunch and found him. This disease does not discriminate.

    I am glad to hear your son is going in-patient, as I think I shared last year my son’s arrest and subsequent overdose led to the beginning of his recovery journey, 10 months clean just for today. They are much stricter here though if he tested positive at any time and they test him A LOT he would immediately go to jail. The month away at in-patient actually gave him a chance to clear his head and the intensive out-patient for six months afterward, four days a week, really helped as well. My son HATES jail, I believe God answered my prayers having him get arrested last year, I don’t think he could have stopped on his own, it was a very sad situation.

    • Lisa says:


      Your story gives me hope. But a few questions..

      Did you allow your son to live with you while doing intensive outpatient? How did he get back and forth? My son has done that before and stopped going after about day 5…

      My son did a sober home with testing 3 times per week for about 7 months. He came home after and stopped meetings etc and drug testing went to once a month which didnt seem to phase him and made things very easy to slip back into using!

      My son hates jail too but apparently hates being sober more ughhh. I guess it sounds like the difference between our sons is one wanted to get sober and one does not.

      I’m so happy for your son and for you and his recovery journey sounds promising!!!!

  7. Erin says:

    Hi Lisa, he wasn’t living with me at the time of the arrest he had only been on his own for a two month period and his addiction spiraled downward big time. He lost his job and was arrested for DWI (his second in a three year period). The first judge asked me if he could stay with me and I said yes. At this point he had to report to probation twice a week for drug testing and then blow into a sobrietor (for alcohol) randomly throughout the day at home. That was in June, he overdosed in August, at that point his case had not been moved to drug court, so he knew he had a window of opportunity to use without going to jail. In all honesty he could not just stop on his own. After the overdose he was immediately inducted into drug court and that is where is recovery began. He did live with me and still does. I am lucky enough that my mother would help out taking him to and from his outpatient and my ex-husband would also have cabs help out. After his overdose I immediately took him to a suboxone doctor, he had tried the program before and failed as he wasn’t serious about recovery but this time he knew he had to stop or he would go to prison. I honestly do not know if he could have stopped without the suboxone we have a really great doctor he told me that his brain chemistry has been altered so much from the years of use. I knew he was in serious trouble because he was in the hospital for four nights and upon his release he went to score heroin that very night and wasn’t able to do so because the girl he was with was arrested. Suboxone is really just a tool though, they still need to really want recovery, he didn’t before. The month that he was in in-patient really did give his head time to clear and realize that he wanted to stop. I was lucky he had a great counselor there. He didn’t go to a fancy rehab he went to State rehab, they had a really strong program there. My son will be under the court’s supervision for the next five years, one wrong move and he goes to jail. DWI laws are super strict here and they also know about his heroin use as they found needles in the car. I drive him around a lot on the weekends and weeknights he has to go to 3 NA or AA mtgs a week and also to/from work on the weekends but whenever I get tired of doing that I think back to how horrible life was with him when he was using. I do not think that I could ever live with active addiction in my home again when I think back to how bad he was I don’t know how I survived it, had to be the grace of God in my life.

    • Lisa says:

      I am afraid my son will get out of detox and score drugs immediately. PO just called and they are going to file a warrant tomorrow. He will be given an option of jail or a state rehab I guess. If he makes it to when they get him. I would like to help them grab him so he is safe but I have done this song and dance before and some say step back and let the chips fall where they may!

      I just don’t know if living here is the right thing for either of us. I am too stressed out! I think the success of
      Drug court is amazing but unfortunately we don’t have it in our county!

      He comes back in our home and then he slowly winds his way into borrowing the car, I’m looking for a job but never finding one, starts getting more and more disrespectful, then the late night runs to Walmart start, then the gf comes back into his life and he starts having her stay later and later. Like its just enough!

      I don’t mean to belittle addiction and I feel bad if it came off that way. I guess I’m just upset he doesn’t seem to WANT recovery more. He doesn’t seem to be surrendering. And when he was sober for 7 months he seemed so happy with himself. And it seems he didn’t have a problem being sober and was tested 3 times a week! So for whatever that is it worked!

      • Erin says:

        Lisa, my son had moved out two months prior to all of this happening. I could no longer have him in my house using my life had become a nightmare. I gave him the choice go to rehab or move out he made the choice to leave. The disrespect when they are using is horrible and the angry outbursts as well. My son is a quiet, calm, caring, gentle person but when he was high watch out, fists through my microwave, holes in the door, I slept with a hammer hooked to my bed. That wasn’t my son that was my son on drugs. After living in peace for some time now I will never allow active addiction in my home again. I really do believe God intervened with my son, I had done all I could do, he was on his own. I also forgot to mention that in the years before this happened he had been to outpatient rehab many many times. I go to a great Nar-Anon group in my area and they are just a wonderful support system. http://www.naranon.com/board/index.php?sid=9bdd512294e7cf4e8c56efa6c2e7a6fc

        If that link doesn’t work just google nar-anon family recovery forum.

        Sometimes stepping back works, I really had no choice. I have also had some issues with my younger son and the tools I learned in Nar-Anon really helped me, I handle things completely different than I would have in the past. I have found that I can use the tools when it comes to every aspect of my life not just addiction. They also have a great book the blue book Sharing, Experience, Strength and Hope, you can find that on the regular Nar-Anon site. I find now that when I get quiet and pray, God will show me what to do or not to do.

        This is one tough journey thats for sure!

  8. Syd says:

    I’m sorry too that all this is happening, Madyson. But I am glad that he has another chance to get clean and perhaps you will have time to make some decisions too. I’ll be hoping that things go well for him and for you.

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