Last month J had his VERY LAST meeting with his probation officer. TWO years and he managed to test negative each time. Except guess what? Not this time. Why do addicts think they are so smart? I know that J has used on and off for the past year but in his usual controled way, stopping for a couple weeks here and there…hell maybe even a couple of few clean months thrown in for good measure. So I was really shocked when he failed his last drug test. His probation officer immediately informed the court and a date was set about a week and a half later. Soooo….He went to court and they drug tested him on the spot before he was to appear before the judge…and he failed AGAIN! WTF?
I really don’t know what to think? Did he self-sabotage his own probation? I was extremely worried that he would be accountable to nobody and maybe sub-conciously he was too? Well, as usual J’s luck was on his side again! It turns out for some reason his name was not on the docket? So he met behind closed doors with the prosecutor. The prosecutor asked him did he want to go to jail because that is exactly where he is heading if he tests positive again. J sold him his very best story and the prosecutor placed him on probation for another year with weekly drug test and meetings with his probation officer. J’s “look” is his worst enemy and his best friend. He looks like an upwardly mobile college dude with his blonde hair and blue eyes dressed in a dress shirt, khakis, leather belt and loafers. He appears to have it all together but he has NOTHING together. He has never really deteriorated back to that “junkie look”….yet.
So here we are today…and he has been making all his meetings and testing negative but the FReAKING ASSHOLE IDIOT is still using!!!!!! He is just pacing himself during the week and abstaining three days before he meets with his probation officer. He deserves EVERY SINGLE CONSEQUENCE that he has coming to him. I seem to be the only one who recognize that it is just a matter of time before he is caught and hauled off to jail. I told him just to have his girl friend shoot me a text when it happens because I will not be taking any phone calls from him.
I feel oddly detached from this spectacle. Like an angry observer but definitely not a participant. It makes me realize that I have evolved…maybe not as much as I would have liked or should have but I am definitely more detached than I ever thought possible. I hate that it is probably just a matter of days before his girlfriend walks away because I adore her. I would love to become her mother in law one day but my love for her also makes me wish she would run before his addiction kills her beautiful spirit.
On Wednesday, I went back to work. It was exactly one month post surgery. I feel good….not perfect but good. My doctor wanted me to stay out of work for another 2 weeks but I insisted I would take it easy and he agreed to release me. I am exhausted, not hurting to much but I have no endurance and it make me positively weepy. Yesterday my boss called me into her office to tell me that I would not be offered a contract for next year. She would offer me my same job in a part-time position. I am in shock. Our schools enrollment has slowly been decreasing for many reasons…the recession, an aging demographic and much more competition.
I saw the writing on the wall and tried everything in my power to make myself as valuable as I possibly could. My evaluations are outstanding and my efforts were definitely noticed. So, why me? Why did my hours get cut? I know I am only the music and movement teacher but my program is a selling point for our VERY expensive tuition. My classes are a “parent favorite” in every survey that goes out….why me? I feel so stupid…I thought I was valuable. I thought my loyalty and superior program would keep me safe for at least another year but I was sadly mistaken. I can not answer a question about next year with out crying…no matter how you cut it the message is, I am not as valued as the people who were offered contracts this morning.
The combination of having serious surgery, J being himself/FREAKING idiot and losing the job I love, has sent me into a deep depression. I went back to work two weeks early so I could be there for the last two weeks of school and support the other teachers and be there for my students. I really wonder if I should have gone back at all….loyalty and my passion for my job have gotten me nothing. This will be financially catastrophic. Please pray that L get’s approved for in-state tuition because my job was paying for that.