I am at home resting with pain medication hidden in an envelope inside my bra. Sounds so sexy…no? I am definitely starting to feel better and can see a future with out post surgical pain is right around the corner. I ended up being in the hospital for seven days and came home yesterday. I am ashamed to say how much I enjoyed my hospital stay once the pain was under control. I watched TV, read books and laid there while kind nurses brought me icy cold water. Why is it that water tastes so delicious with tiny square ice cubes in it?
Addiction barely crept into my thoughts except to realize how much I enjoyed that happy rose glazed feeling of opiates. I can see and feel what the pay off is but I also recognize that I have not accomplished a damn thing. It is way to easy to be selfish and uncaring about real life. I have this feeling that when the few pills I have left are gone, I will feel some kind of withdrawal….emotionally for sure but I suspect there may even be some physical consequences.
My oldest daughter has been everything I knew she would be: helpful and kind with a smile planted firmly on her face. She got my little one off to school in the morning with lunches ready in the fridge for both kids. I also, appreciate that my younger daughter is able to get her self off to school too. She however is new worry in my life. I am hoping that being 13 explains all these emotional ups and downs but it scares me there is more to it. She needs to see the therapist again and soon.
J was happy to see me when I got home and gave me a huge emotional hug. I know he cares about how I am feeling but that feeling also would never impede on his life enough to change it. J’s life sadly continues to implode. I am sad that I am still here watching with front row seats. The only hope I have is that rehab for J will no longer be optional the law will soon get involved and his choice will be Rehab or Jail. Ladies and gentleman we have once again reached that fork in the road…Go figure?