The other day I was home sick and the phone rang…I looked up on the TV because it will tell me if it is a sales call or not. It said: ______State Police. My heart sunk. I am not sure what I thought exactly but I assumed it was probably not good news. In a matter of seconds all those memories of late calls from J at a police station or at the hospital or stranded in the middle of hell, hit me with such clarity I could taste my own fear.
I took a breath and said hello…sure enough they asked if J was was there. Without any fore thought or a plan I went into rescue and enable mode. “Well, officer no he is not here…oh does he live here? Well, umm sometimes? Do I have a number you can reach him at…I don’t know? What does that mean? Oh umm…I am not sure he has a cell?…it was pathetic.
J said, he had no idea what they wanted and looked legitimately bewildered. J asked me if it brought me pleasure when I accused him of using. I was furious and answered immediately without thinking… “No I do not get any satisfaction in being right. In fact, I feel pretty pathetic…I let you “use” in my house why we all avert our eyes. I feel sick about it…and I get sicker each day”. How does that make you feel J?