It is so freaking frustrating…

If J can completely sober up for his probation officer, why can’t he do it for me or better yet for himself? I have always said this and I know you are all skeptical but J is very much in control of how much he uses and when he uses. How HARD CAN IT BE TO STOP when your life is falling apart? If you can pick and choose to use and sober up for weeks at a time…months at a time….why can’t you just choose to stop now….like forever! Damn it!

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About madyson007

I am a mom of 4 who thought she was home free with her oldest son when he went off to college. My serious blunder? Genetics and being naive or maybe just plain stupid.
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18 Responses to It is so freaking frustrating…

  1. I hear you!! I am going through the same thing. I like when “it is not a problem”.. and “it’s” under control. I am so over this bullshit. Why can’t they find their own value.

  2. Lisa says:

    Accountability. The PO demands it. We have a problem doing the same ;). What happens. If they fail PO drug test vs at home? Hmmmm

  3. Lisa says:

    Drug testing. By PO’s. 3 times per week. For life. I can guarantee you the world would be a better place and we could help this drug crisis come to an end. Or at least start the road to resolving it!

  4. madyson007 says:

    What does happen? Do they handcuff him and take him to jail?

    • Lisa says:

      Perhaps. That’s what they did to my son. They walked in my house after I just saved his life and I said ‘take him….he just violated probation by doing drugs’. They held him and his PO called me and said ‘we’ve tried it his way. He is going to try it our way now’. I’m sentencing him to 6 months to a year of inpatient halfway/sober home’. He’s now in a sober home and comes home on weekends (kill me) however, he’s now drug tested 3 times a week and he is paying for his rent. Whether they are in jail or in a sober home there is one common theme – SOBRIETY. It’s not perfect but it’s all I got đŸ˜‰ And the more times they are forced sober the better chance for them to find their AHA moment I say.

      • madyson007 says:

        I think I have almost given up on him having a AHA moment…

      • Lisa says:

        Don’t….with life there is hope remember? Look…every 20 something year old guy thinks they know it all. In our town I see more and more 30 something year old sober kids. I think that’s the age when they start to grow up and get it. Go onto this site and join. Learntocope.org. Look at all the pics of the sober kids. These parents were as desperate and done as you and I. You just never know. I totally get how you feel. Trust me. But I have been where you are and I’m sure I will be again in a few months. I just like to believe there’s a chance. For all of our kids!!

  5. Jeff says:

    Two comments here. Lisa, I totally agreed with your first comment, then you had to go and suggest that me and the rest of the tax payers pay for it. Not nice. Why should I have to pay for parents who don’t want to do their job and instead want the government to do it for them? It’s not the PO’s job to lay down the law forever – it’s YOURS. YOU ARE HIS PARENT. You are very much correct, however… there are consiquences to J’s actions with the PO and he knows it – just like there are rarely if ever consequences to his actions at home… AND HE KNOWS IT. I can’t think of a better example/illustration of what has been going on.

    As for being in control of his using… he may well be. The thing is, he will be until he just is not anymore – it wont last forever. That’s what did me in. I “used once a week or less for nearly 10 years!” It only served to make me think I had it all under control. Hell, at that point in my life, I didn’t even understand addiction and it never even crossed my mind that I was one. Hell, remember, I only used once a week or less! Plus, I never lost control of my job, my family… no one knew!

    It finally caught up with me when once a week became just twice a week, but no more, then okay, once every three days – but no more! Then once every other day, then once a day but just a night and well you know how it ends. That too will happen to J if he keeps using. It may be in ten years, it may be in ten months, ten weeks or could be ten days. I’m totally putting all my money on it will happen when his probation is concluded. Once he no longer has that over his head, it will be a free for all. Why is that? See the first paragraph.

    • Erin says:

      I agree with you, why would they stop, they have a home to live in and they can shoot herion and suffer no consequences whatsoever. I allowed this until I didn’t anymore and he had it under control until he didn’t anymore. The POs cannot are are not responsible for keeping them clean. It is their job to send them to jail if they use it is their job to make sure they are not violating the terms of their probation. I don’t believe it is the parents job to make the addict see the light, I tried it didn’t work for me, but I do believe that without setting boundaries we are basically saying it is okay to use in my house. I did this and I suffered for years because of it as did my younger son. I agree with you, why would they stop, they have a home to live in and they can shoot herion and suffer no consequences whatsoever. I allowed this until I didn’t anymore and he had it under control until he didn’t anymore. The POs cannot and are not responsible for keeping them clean. It is their job to send them to jail if they use it is their job to make sure they are not violating the terms of their probation. I don’t believe it is the parents job to make the addict see the light, I tried it didn’t work for me, but I do believe that without setting boundaries we are basically saying it is okay to use in my house. I did this and I suffered for years because of it as did my younger son.
      My son’s bottom occured two months after he left my home, lost his job, got arrested and subsequently overdosed. He now has 7 months clean time. I honestly do not think he would have ever stopped if he continued to use in my home with zero consequences the consequences he faces now will last for five years but I thank God every day that he is alive and in recovery. One day at a time, today is a good day, and I know that can change on a dime but every clean day with my son is a good day. I do not judge any other parent it took me many years to get to the place of asking him to leave my home, we can only do what we can live with. We set boundaries when we are ready and not a minute sooner.

    • madyson007 says:

      I don’t disagree with most of what you say BUT I do with one point that I think we will never see eye to eye on. I am indeed J’s parent but he is not a child even if he acts like one. He is a grown man…it is no longer possible to parent him like child. The key point that is lacking in this equation: I have no way to enforce any consequence which is exactly your point. I can throw myself on the floor, scream, cry and threaten but until my husband gets on board I am screwed. I could leave my husband and take my other children with me but that really is not feasible right now…nor do I want to leave my husband. So short of doing those things….I wait.

      • Jeff says:

        I totally agree with you and I feel really bad for you. How frustrating it must be not only to have an addict living with you but then an enabler (who is also an addact) also living with you. Talk about double the pain! As for parenting like a child, that is not at all what I’m suggesting. In fact what Im suggesting only goes for adults or at least teenagers. You have to have consequences and hold people to them – that goes for any age and any relationship. It’s the same for your husband – he needs to meet the minimum criteria or consequences need to be enforced. There is no way I can offer advice nor would I on your marriage. All I know is the only person and only actions you can control are yours. It really is amazing what people will do when they no longer have the option to do something else. J has no other option than to be clean for his PO – and by gum, lookie, lookie, he is able to do it! Amazing, huh? He’d do the same for you if he knew you were as serious as his PO is. Which, then your husband will undermine you, and here we go, round and round on this crazy, dysfunctional ride. Again, above all else, I really do feel bad for you. LIke I said, you are living with two major problems in your life – not just one.

  6. Lisa says:

    It’s not my job nor is it the taxpayers job. Its my sons job. I am a taxpayer too. And a republican. Believe me, I don’t think you should pay for it either. I think that probation for life with 3 tests per week to keep a majority of addicts out of our prisons might actually result in cost savings and crime reduction. I was just speaking in general and probably more from my wish list in my heart. I know it’s not an attainable expectation at this point.

  7. Lisa says:

    Erin’s story sounds like so many other success stories. Once they knew their parents were done that was their bottom. But I also know how damn hard it is to get them out. My son is a boomerang always flying back in and convincing us he is changing. It’s so hard to be on the same page as parents as I know Madyson and I have had to deal with. One minute dad being done, the next minute mom being done. The court system and the PO does not love our kids. They don’t stay up all night wondering if they are going to outlive us or picturing the day they were born and their first steps and first day of school. It’s so hard to know what to do or to get up the courage to do what we see has been successful for others for that tiny little chance that maybe it won’t work and the worst happens. My son was here when he overdosed and I was able to save his life. Did he overdose because he was here and I made it easier for him to use…or was he going to overdose anyway and thank god he was here? How do you make those decisions that are right…? I’ve said this before …my Dr Spock book didnt come with this chapter at all. It’s very difficult :(. Glad to hear your story Erin. These give me hope!

    • Erin says:

      Lisa, I’m not one of the parents of an addict that tells people to throw the addict out of the house and it will guarantee recovery, it isn’t always the case. I asked him to leave because I just could not take the chaos anymore in my life, I did not do it to push him to his bottom, nor did I expect it to change him. My house was out of control and I was losing it, not sleeping, being afraid of him, etc. By the grace of God things happened as they did and he did hit his bottom. He is living with me again and has been since his release from rehab seven months ago. Also, when he overdosed it WAS in my house and he was 30 minutes from death, after he was arrested and went to court the judge asked me if he could stay with me until they decided what to do with him. It was after the overdose that everything changed for him and also suffering the legal consequences of his arrest. Don’t ever beat yourself up about what you should or shouldn’t be doing, I did that all the time and felt pressure from many of the bloggers that throwing him out would be his miracle cure.

      • Lisa says:

        Ugh but I so feel the pressure. What to do, what not to do, how to do it. It’s just a full time job in itself. Exactly what is enabling and what is helping and what are the boundaries. And then we are told do things for yourself and live your life. Yet I find myself planning weekends away according to his time in jail or at the sober home, planning trips while he is locked up just because I know he is safe and cannot cause drama. The night he overdosed we were packed and ready to leave for weekend the next morning. I thought after it happened and he was arrested I could still force myself to go and enjoy myself. Like I didn’t take that image and nightmare with me! Ugh ….to Madyson and all of us here …lets just pray for better days to come!!

  8. Barbara says:

    Sure wish I knew the answer. I guess looking at the “bright side” he is able to get clean for a few weeks. My son would test dirty and spend a few days in jail so often that it became a routine for him. You know what’s best for you in your home. My son got worse when I kicked him out. He’s been living with me for 6 months and is doing good…but if he uses again, I don’t know what I’d do.

  9. midnitefyrfly says:

    Its been a while since I commented here, but I can only assume you were asking for answers to your questions. His probation officer has the power to enforce bottoms J doesnt like. His life there with you is far from falling apart. He likes getting high and he can have his cake and eat it too. no addict will quit until they are going to lose something more important than getting high. what you think should be more important might not be. but if I had freedom, food, a bed, and a roof over my jead even if I used, I would still use. u have to drcide what your boundaries are and enforce them. u could always be ok with him.using as long as he woks, pays rent, doesnt do a,b, or c. but you know what is really ok in ur heart. either u detach with love or you accept with boundaries… or u keep doing what ur doing and be miserable

  10. madyson007 says:

    “either u detach with love or you accept with boundaries… or u keep doing what ur doing and be miserable”
    Well there ya go that’s pretty much what it is all about in a nut shell.

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