Where has all my faith gone?

Another blog I frequent showed the most beautiful picture of her grandson…just looking in his eyes you can see the adventure that is in his future. Sooooo, I of course wanted to torture myself since I am full of self loathing lately, had to go and look at J’s pictures.  When I look at J’s baby pictures, I no longer saw a future where all things were possible. I stared intently into those baby blue eyes and searched for any forewarning of what was to come. The pictures showed nothing but a smiling child in front of a birthday cake or jumping wildly in his toddler seat or laughing at the magic marker he scribbled all over his face. I waited and waited for the joy to come but it never came.  Just a sense of guilt and gloom but I am not exactly sure why I felt guilt. I don’t blame myself so much anymore.

J is using regularly now. He hides it really well but all the signs are there. He now works to feed his addiction with no money to spare. His addiction is taking over all good things in his life…like his girlfriend and his mothers respect.  I can see a downward spiral beginning and it is so painful to be there to witness it again. I will need to start locking money and hiding keys and all those crazy things we do to keep our addicts from stealing. Now I sit and wait for the inevitable to happen. His girlfriend is oblivious…she is the sweetest thing and can’t understand why he is being so moody and down right nasty at times. I watch my husband stressed about work, he doesn’t need anything else on his plate. So I keep my mouth shut and die a little bit everyday. I think about all the possible scenarios like over dose and jail. I no longer believe in Rehab. He will have to find that by himself with no advice from me. The truth that I know, but he doesn’t recognize, is one of those scenarios will inevitably lead us all to an answer. I am just going to pray that death isn’t the outcome.

This blog started out as something completely different in my mind. I was going to talk about faith, God and religion. I will do that another day. When I went back and read this post I left the heading as it was. Turned out it is a testimony to losing faith.

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About madyson007

I am a mom of 4 who thought she was home free with her oldest son when he went off to college. My serious blunder? Genetics and being naive or maybe just plain stupid.
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5 Responses to Where has all my faith gone?

  1. JoAnn M says:

    I am very sorry for the current status. Holding you in my prayers list.Been there/done that/for now it’s better. I’ll hope the same for you. JoAnn

    So good to be home ~ Treasure every moment

    Date: Tue, 19 Feb 2013 23:41:10 +0000 To: fljoie@msn.com

  2. melissa says:

    I will completely wrap you in the blanket of familar security. I totally understand. I totally get it.

  3. Lisa says:

    We just celebrated M’s 25th birthday. He is living in a sober home. He brought me ‘almost’ to tears yelling on the ride to the house about how it shouldn’t have gone down this way and why did I call 911 in October when he Od’d. He would have quit on his own vs all this BS he now faces. Honestly, when I see the signs that show me sobriety is not his main focus it makes me so upset. Not much different than what you see. The future seems just the same. HOWEVER…don’t ever lose hope for that AHA moment. It can come at any time for either of our ‘babies’…..I wish the same for you that I pray for myself every day

  4. Jeff says:

    I’ve given you shit. I’ve taken you to task. I’ve tried to slap you and wake you up. Today I just say, I’m really sorry to hear about J. I still very strongly believe that having an addiction is the same as having cancer. What really sucks is to hear that J won’t get treatment for his brand of cancer. Please hang in there! 🙂

  5. sheila says:

    I am so sorry you are going through this. I can’t bear to look at any baby pics or videos of L. I haven’t seen her since November and she rarely answers when I contact her, but I know from Facebook that she is drinking too much and smoking cigarettes. Don’t know about other drugs but I suspect pot at a minimum and God knows what else. I also went through the stages of grief that you discussed in an earlier post. It does get easier as I get better at detaching, but I still have my bad days. Hugs.

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