Another blog I frequent showed the most beautiful picture of her grandson…just looking in his eyes you can see the adventure that is in his future. Sooooo, I of course wanted to torture myself since I am full of self loathing lately, had to go and look at J’s pictures. When I look at J’s baby pictures, I no longer saw a future where all things were possible. I stared intently into those baby blue eyes and searched for any forewarning of what was to come. The pictures showed nothing but a smiling child in front of a birthday cake or jumping wildly in his toddler seat or laughing at the magic marker he scribbled all over his face. I waited and waited for the joy to come but it never came. Just a sense of guilt and gloom but I am not exactly sure why I felt guilt. I don’t blame myself so much anymore.
J is using regularly now. He hides it really well but all the signs are there. He now works to feed his addiction with no money to spare. His addiction is taking over all good things in his life…like his girlfriend and his mothers respect. I can see a downward spiral beginning and it is so painful to be there to witness it again. I will need to start locking money and hiding keys and all those crazy things we do to keep our addicts from stealing. Now I sit and wait for the inevitable to happen. His girlfriend is oblivious…she is the sweetest thing and can’t understand why he is being so moody and down right nasty at times. I watch my husband stressed about work, he doesn’t need anything else on his plate. So I keep my mouth shut and die a little bit everyday. I think about all the possible scenarios like over dose and jail. I no longer believe in Rehab. He will have to find that by himself with no advice from me. The truth that I know, but he doesn’t recognize, is one of those scenarios will inevitably lead us all to an answer. I am just going to pray that death isn’t the outcome.
This blog started out as something completely different in my mind. I was going to talk about faith, God and religion. I will do that another day. When I went back and read this post I left the heading as it was. Turned out it is a testimony to losing faith.