#4 A joyous moment in time…and a thought about J’s future.

I am not having second thoughts but realistically will I ever be free? Addiction has dug it’s roots deep into my life. I recognize they are there and I have a choice about whether I will let it rule my life but it is so much more complicated than that. If Jim does not back me up on the January 25th deadline…what are my choices?happyjoyousfree


About madyson007

I am a mom of 4 who thought she was home free when my oldest son went off to college. My serious blunder? Genetics and being naive or maybe just plain stupid.
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13 Responses to #4 A joyous moment in time…and a thought about J’s future.

  1. Sidda says:

    I don’t know how you can do it without your husband being in agreement with you, I hope he changes his mind. The only other alternative would be for you to move out and I know I would not want to do that. There are no easy answers for this one, I’ll be praying your husband backs you up.

  2. Dawn M McCoy says:

    Gosh. If you could possibly tell your husband, about all of us out here, and how the ONLY success stories were/are the ones where the parents QUIT ENABLING THEIR CHILD/ADDICT AND KICKED THEM TO THE CURB! That enabling is only keeping your child from succeeding and beating addiction. That it is keeping them from achieving adulthood. That it gives them the opportunity to continue to use/or have junkie thinking. That it is never a good choice to enable an addict (in or out of recovery) that you take away their rights and dignity by doing so.

  3. Lisa says:

    A therapist once told me that my husband anf I MUST be on the same page on moving our son out of the house. If not, and something happened to him..while gone OR still living at home…it would destroy the marriage with all the what ifs and the itoldyouso’s. I wanted our son moved out of our home and my husband did not. He felt if he were not in our home he would worry about him constantly. I thought the lack of drama and wondering daily if he was using (driving myself crazy) meant I did much better when he was out of sight. He ended up OD’ing in our bathroom. He must have started a seizure while holding the sink because there was a loud banging that got out attention and gave us the alarm we needed to run in. I used my first aid/Narcan kit to save him. He is now in a sober home after a stay in jail for violating probation and is coming home on weekend passes. Did the fact that he lived here give me the opportunity to give him life..for the second time?….ORRRRRR did the fact that he lived here without many bills to pay or real responsibility in his life send him in the spiral downward to where he had taken his addiction to the point of shooting up in our bathroom? I think there is an argument for both. I think you just have to be okay with what you decide. Period. Try to be on the same page and also understand each other’s views on why you want him to stay…or not to stay. I think that is key.

  4. Joy says:

    I agree. Its imperative that you both somehow get on the same page. My husband and I were by some grace of God. My boy died of his disease. My husband is my true refuge and we are grieving and growing and healing together. I don’t know what I would do right now otherwise. I’m praying fervently for you both. Much love.

  5. VJ says:

    I have learned not to place blame on anyone or anything when it comes to addiction. No one is in control, not even the addicted child. It is a mental illness and it must run it’s course on it’s own terms and in it’s own time so the action or inaction of the addict and/or those who love him do not matter.

    The addictive brain begins the healing process when the pain of using is greater than the pain of recovery.

    As I look back over my twenty year history of addiction with my child I can see clearly now that I had no bearing on the and/or any outcome. I did some things that worked well and some that did not but neither really made any difference to the timeline of the disease.

    The only action(s) that worked was what seprated me from the disease (with love).

    I have a right to a life of my own personal serenity and peace.

    I pray you will find your own path to your personal recovery.


  6. Jeff says:

    What??? Huh???? Unless I’m reading that wrong or missing something, that is the craziest thing I’ve ever read. Nothing the addict and/or those who love him do matter? Seriously, VT???? That is so beyond crazy and wrong I don’t know where to start? Of course it matters and it will change things. Hell reading Lisa’s post is proof of that. Addiction is not some untouchable and unstopable force that operates in a vacume regardless of what goes on around it. Very true, you can’t stop the addiction on your own, but just as true, your actions will have effects. If may not even change for the better but change it will – one way or another.

    Anyhow, that’s not what I came to post about. Madyson, I guess the really, really unfortunate part about all of this is you probably should have figured this out before you drew the sand in the line or is that the line in the sand – not after. You obviously are correct in your latest concerns/thoughts (not that they are new, but you are just now voicing them). Um, yeah, what will you do? This happened with my wife and her ex after telling her daughter that if she got any Ds or Fs on her report card, she would not get her driver’s license. A very reasonble demand. Well… Said daughter did do well but also got one D+. We held firm. Daughter went to her dad who took her for her driver’s license and we could not stop him. Whoops. Not only did it not get the desired effect, she was now P/O’d at us AND got her drivers license on top of it. Like the others said, you have to have your husband on board. Silly me, I thought when you made the first post that meant that if both of them thought you were bluffing you were out the door or both of them were. I’m guessing that’s not the case? Well, then, how could this ever work? Worse yet, you are worse off than if you did or said nothing as now you’ll have drawn a line in the sand, watched as son and husband danced or pole vaulted over it and you then smiled and just walked away. Not good. You just simply have to be willing and able to enforce any demands or altimatums you make. If you are not, don’t ever, ever make them. You clearly don’t seem at a place where you are ready to go against your husband.

    If history repeats itself, you are likely now not happy with me – the messanger. So… hopefully I can also provide a suggestion that will actually help. It’s not a new one. I’ve made it before. I only hope you’ll consider or do it this time. You need to get some help from a professional. You need to find the RIGHT one. A smart one, A good one, One that knows what in the hell she or he is doing. Someone who has dealt with this same situation hundreds of times before – and it is an all too common one so those people are out there. Someone who can help and guide you. Someone who can let you know you are doing the right thing – or doing the wrong thing – and help give you the support you need to see it through. Someone who would have said to you “you may want to consider…” before you wrote that letter.

    Why always around Christmas – right? I do feel so sorry for you. I can only begin to imagine what it’s like. I could never know. I do know that you just don’t want to make things worse than they would have been had you done nothing. Lord I hope that has not now happened.

    • VJ says:

      Perhaps you need to take some “extra” time to contemplate the meaning behind my words. I realize my meaning may not be obvious to those not in recovery. However, they will make sense as “your” journey progresses’s, like mine, over a twenty year span.

      If anyone feels they are in “control” then there is well know word to describe this, it is called denial.

      • Jeff says:

        I’m guessing you must be a 12-stepper. While I am in my fourth year of sobriety without a single slip, I am not doing 12-step so… we’ll just leave it at that. I am most certainly religious and believe, just not in 12-step. That said, I just don’t think things happen in a vacume and that nothing anyone may do has no bearing on outcome. I have seen many, many parents keep their kids sick and in addiction (by funding them, helping them, bailing them out) Had those parents NOT TAKEN THOSE ACTIONs, that kid’s life course would have been changed. It’s that simple.

  7. madyson007 says:

    No astoundingly Jeff…you are right. I should not have made that ultimatum. I am just hoping my husband sees the logic in it and backs me up. I could try leaving but would need to take 2 dogs and at least 2 children with me. I don’t really have any family here…I could go live with my parents but I love them way to much to inflict my tribe on them 24/7. I also need my job so living in Florida will not work. I could hole up in a hotel and refuse to leave until J is gone but that is a desperate move that will cost a lot of money. Maybe I will be that desperate at that point. You see this ultimatum seems a long time coming and totally logical to me..to my husband…Not so much.

    Why can’t Christmas be drama free and filled with joy?

    • Jeff says:

      It is a quite the spot/situation you have sort of painted yourself into. I’m not trying to beat you up about it, as you clearly know you goofed. You did not at all goof in what you did, just the order of steps you took in doing it by not talking with your husband first. You get it so I’m moving on. Once again, I’m not qualified to give advice. Like I said, I can hardly run my own life. What I will say, is there is no rule written somewhere that says you have to leave. In fact, a court may very well say that your husband has to leave and that could happen very, very quickly, within days – esepcially if there are kids invovled. Any compitant attorny could have you in front of a judge by the end of the week and that judge will lay down termporary rules that your husband will be bound to follow or the police will remove him for you – along with J. Yeah, that’s big stuff. I’m not even saying you have to go that far. Very often people wake up just when they see that is going to happn. That’s exactly what is going on here. You are now laying down the law and J is about to learn that. Your husband may too. Once he sees you are serious and may be forced out of “his” home and forced to move into an apartment, he may very well decide to support you on this. The time to start this entire ball rolling is now. It really is time for you and your husband to have a huge talk about this and get on the same team in saving J’s life. It will be the hardest thing you do all year, but it really can be done. I’ve seen many others do it. Trust me, if your husband see’s you are serious his reaction very well may be different. If he thinks or knows you are not serious and you won’t follow through, he won’t take your seriously. How do I know this? I was one of those husbands. My wife, now ex-wife, threatened and threatened and talked and bitched and complained and never did anything about it. Until one day she did. She changed what she was doing and her actions and that then changed mine. It really did. Again, like everything on-line, take it for what it’s worth. I hope it helps.

  8. Cathy says:

    Madyson, I pray that you can get your husband on board with your decision. I lived the way you are living for years with every boundary I set for my addicted son broken over and over. Seven months ago I followed through and made him leave our home and ther are no words to describe what it is like to live in peace in your own home. It has become my comforting, safe place to be. A lot of the crazy, chaotic behavior still went on with him but it wasn’t in my home. It is such a relief to go to bed at night and not have to lock up your purse and valuables and worry what is going on in your home while you sleep. I know how hard it is to live the way you are living. Take Care! Cathy

  9. Lisa says:

    I think we can all agree that If you look up the opposite of control in the dictionary you will find addiction…there is no control. Only thing we can control is what us non addict family members do. And when you are a two parent household with separate hearts and minds….it can sometimes be very difficult to come to a common ground. After the overdose, I did not blame my husband for wanting him here …. Nor would he blame me for wanting him out. It’s a crap shoot really. My husband didn’t love the fact that I had him arrested and held in jail while awaiting rehab. But, I told him he lost the right to decide next steps when I told him continuously the kid was dabbling again and as his mom my intuition is right 9 times out of 10. 😉 Is it the right path to take? Is arresting him and putting him in jail the right step? Should he come back here after 6 months to a year of sober house if he makes it? Hell if I know! It’s like toilet training really. One thing doesn’t work, try something else. If that doesn’t work, try again. In the end, would they have gotten it on their own without anything you did or did not do? Who knows! I have said time and time again there was no chapter on this is the dr Spock book…….and this is why we must do what we FEEEELLLL is right for us. When you make the decision you make regarding the addict just ask yourself…will I be comfortable with this decision no matter what the result? That is all you can do!

  10. VJ says:

    So true and each of us are unique individuals and must react to our indivdual situations the best we know how with the information we have, no blame – no shame. However, if one looks at addcition in the long run it always works out best to allow the “natural” consequences to play itself out without outside family interaction provided apporpreiate boundaries are manitained by those who love the addicted child.

    I learned that my son was living in a crack house and he was in such bad shape that the dealer was tossing him to the curb. The dealer didn’t want to explain the death of one of his customers to the police! The “informant” advised me to pick my son up at a specific time and place, which I did. He did in fact look close to death and I took action that likely saved his life but did it save him from the disease of addiction. No, it did not. The action I took was for me. I knew the disease was still in control.

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