Dear J…my gift to you.

I have decided that I love and respect you too much to let you continue this way. That is why you have to move out. I will make your dad choose between you and me. I have not a doubt in my mind that your dad will choose me. I have never wanted to force your dad’s hand because I was very afraid something bad would happen and he would blame me for it or worse himself.  Now I can clearly see that you don’t need to move out for bad things to happen…they happen everyday with you living here. Do you think I don’t know what is going on? The neighbors are going to call the police if you don’t stop getting dealer deliveries or your boss is going to fire you for bringing scum into his restaurant. Your father is blind he wants to see you as that son who is finally working hard, someone to be proud of… I see you exactly for what you are. A spoiled addict who lives at home and spends his income on a life of selfish fun…oh and opiates of course. You are making big money and of course have NOTHING to show for it. You ever getting your car back has gone out the window…high+car=stupidity. I am no longer the poster child for a naive stupid parent of an addict who believes everything that comes out of your mouth.

I suggest you look into a room-mate situation, someone you can split expenses with. I think it would be very difficult for you to survive without one but it really is just a suggestion….this is all up to you. I also would not trust a fellow addict to pay his share of the rent, this will be such a good learning experience.  I also highly suggest that you start saving every penny you have because you will need it for deposits and down payments etc…I will be letting all the people in your life know what is going on. I BEG YOU, please don’t call your 83-year-old Grandfather or your girl friend to rescue you. In fact, I will be brutally honest with your girl friend and pray she does not decide to move in with you. How long do you really think she is going to forgive you and look the other way?

I am going to be very generous and give you until January 25th to get out. I will allow you to take the following things with you:

  • Big Screen TV
  • Computer
  • Sony  Playstation
  • Bed & Bedding
  • Clothes
  • One Couch
  • Green Recliner
  • Book Shelves
  • and a few other things can be negotiated

Dad and I will be happy to help you move out. It is very important for you to understand that we will no longer pay for any personal expenses like food, toiletries and clothes. You will be dropped from our cell phone service as soon as your plan expires. Cable, cell, wi-fi and a land line is now your responsibility. We will continue to offer you health insurance for as long as your father’s company allows it. Lucky you! Obama will probably allow you to be insured until you are 26! Maybe one day you will give Rehab a chance for the right reasons….your own desperate desire to be clean. Going to rehab and temporarily cleaning up and still living here is NOT an option. You can use or not use…what you can’t do is live here.

I do this because I love you and I understand that until you have to choose between a place to live and food or drugs you will never be clean. It will be painful to watch you struggle, to be hungry but I will allow you to fail if it is what will turn your life around. Coming home to live with us will no longer be an option. Clean or using you are on your own…it is the only way for you to develop into a man. I will fiercely pray that you will show us all what a capable strong man you really are. I know you can do it! I know this will feel like a punishment but it is actually my gift to you. I love you.


About madyson007

I am a mom of 4 who thought she was home free when my oldest son went off to college. My serious blunder? Genetics and being naive or maybe just plain stupid.
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17 Responses to Dear J…my gift to you.

  1. Ron Grover says:

    You are doing the right thing. Be strong.

  2. Debby says:

    Holy Cripe. Mom, I am right there, putting my arms around you saying “bravo”. I know you sound matter-of-fact, but I am pretty sure that your heart is breaking. I should say that I am so sorry it has come to this, but in a way I am not. I’ve been here, mom. Truly, I have. I have had this similar conversation with my son, three years ago. I had to make him leave our home, and it tore my heart out and yet I felt so relieved that he was gone. He was faking his sobriety. I ask you to re-think what you will allow him to take. Unless he has paid for these electronics, you might want to put them away in storage. Otherwise, I can pretty much guarantee that they will end up in a pawn shop. It wasn’t until my son had to leave, and he had nothing but problems with his roommates (who also used) that he finally hit rock bottom. He pawned everything he owned, got fired from his jobs and the only help I gave him was to deliver grocery staples so that he wouldn’t starve. Amen to Obama, that we did keep our son on our insurance. You have been suffering with this far too long, and I sincerely hope and pray that your husband will let your son go. As long as he is safe and sound, with all the luxuries of home, he will not hit bottom. Today, my son is almost one year clean and sober. He tells me that I had I not kicked him out, and quit enabling his addiction, he would not have taken a hard look at his life and changed it for the better. Keep blogging, and know that I pray for you and so many other moms who are going through this. This is one of your best posts, because it feels as though you are strong. I pray you keep the strength up and I wish J all the best.

  3. Gall says:

    Yes, Bravo to you. You deserve a break, and this is the only way to get it. I agree with Debby about the “stuff.” My daughter sold everything she had for heroin. When she finally decided to get clean (after many relapses, each worse than the one before), she had nothing left to sell, except a car for which she still owed money. So, I encouraged her recovery, but let her go without. She’s about to earn her 8-month chip at AA now. She works hard as a waitress 6 days a week, and she’s finally starting to replace her things one by one, but I still will not give her anything of any value. After ten years of this roller coaster, I simply offer her love and emotional support, but only as long as she’s clean and working a recovery plan. (And I have many of the mothers who respond on these blogs for helping me get to this place of self-survival.) It’s hard as hell, but stick to your plan.

  4. Helga says:

    Amen. This is the only way to go. I applaud you and wish you serenity.

  5. Matt's Mom says:

    I feel your torment as a mom, I know how hard it is to feel those feelings and struggle to come up with consequences that make sense in a living situation that makes no sense at all. My own son is 22, an addict to opiates as well, and had nearly totally burned his bridges with us as well. I caught him using 7 days ago today, and I haven’t seen him since. I haven’t even had the chance to tell him that he can’t come home without active recovery. I struggle with guilt, sadness, anger, frustration, desperation, and worst of all…indecisiveness. Keep us posted on how your son reacts and how you cope with it.

  6. Omg. My heart hurts at EVERY level. I am experiencing the exact thing. My daughter is 19 addicted to opiated and doesn’t think she is. All her friends are in jail. Boyfriend in jail. Omg my heart hurts. I want to have her move out and your words are so TRue!!

  7. Sheri says:

    Having done the same thing a little over a month ago I can relate greatly to your post. It’s the hardest thing ever. Stay strong .

  8. Joy says:

    Remember all you’ve learned through this horrible nightmare of addiction. Stick with those tools. Stay strong. Much love and many prayers for each of you. Very much so for J.

  9. Tori Lee says:

    I am so sorry to read this. I remember when I did the intervention and my son left our home. We did not allow him to take anything but a suitcase but boy did he try. He eventually traded most of his clothes for drugs. It was a horrible time for us and many fights between my Husband and I. It was the best thing we did though….well it was the begining of his own nightmare and eventual jail which is what it took for him to become sober. Stay strong, prayers are with you.

  10. Anna says:

    I know this causes you so much pain. I hear what everyone says that the addict needs this to get clean. What they don’t tell you is that sometimes the addict finds a way to survive and keep using. Sometimes they die. Sometimes they stop using.

    It is good that he keeps a job. Maybe this will help him. It will help you and your husband. There is just nothing like the chaos of living with an addict.

    Has he ever tried suboxone? It might be time. There is a 60 percent success rate. That is much better than rehab and abstinence. It works for opiates but does not seem to do anything for crack etc.

    • madyson007 says:

      He has tried Suboxone. I actually thought it was the answer to J’s problem. Suboxone is a wonderful tool ONLY if the addict is motivated and wants it to work. Suboxone is also a crutch and allows the addict to use with less consequences. I don’t trust it anymore or believe it will be J’s miracle. It is highly addictive and extremely coveted by addicts which makes it valuable. It can be sold and traded.

      Addicts are able to use go through withdrawals for a short period use suboxone and have some “clean time”. Then stop using suboxone wait the proper amount of time (so they don’t go through precipitated withdrawals…which by the way is really ugly) and then use again. Someone told me a name for this cycle but I can’t quite remember what it was called. I think it’s called Washing.

      This is a quote from an addict talking to other addicts:

      Hey im wondering are there a lot of you who alternate between dope and Subs all the time ? I find that it is a lot easier to continue using dope for a long time when you have access to Suboxone all the time as well , and it also eliminates many problems that come from using that you normally would have
      1. you dont have to worry about being sick as long as you time it right (use dope all day and then you can jump back on subs that next morning )
      2 you dont blow all your cash on dope because you have subs which can last a long time ( 8 mg pill could easily last 4 days )
      3 if you decide to get clean , you can ween off subs and not have to go thru kicking dope cold turkey

      Suboxone is not a miracle. It is a tool that can change your life if you use it the way it was intended. If not it is a curse. Addicts are weak and temptation is great. They need to be highly motivated…living in our house=no need to be motivated. It could be something he might want to try when he is desperate.

      • Sidda says:

        “you dont have to worry about being sick as long as you time it right (use dope all day and then you can jump back on subs that next morning ” — not true if you use suboxone after doping all day you will go into immediate withdrawals, throwing up, etc., there has to be a wait period of 24 to 48 hours. An 8 mg pill will not last four days….. for an every day dope addict.

  11. Debby says:

    My son is using suboxone. It dissolves in his mouth. I posted an interview, on my blog, where he talks about how he finally reached the point of sobriety. Suboxone Talk Zone is a helpful place to learn more. Is it a crutch? It depends When my son was on suboxone, it helped him to chip. It is very true, that J will have to WANT sobriety, more than anything else. He has to reach that point. If you ant to read my son’s own words:

  12. I know this is hard for you and your family. But at a recovering addict myself, I say way to go. The only way that an addict will get clean (from my point of view) is being forced to! Now I am not saying that I think as soon as he is “forced” to he will, that is his choice…but if he has no reason to get clean he isn’t going to. That is all my opinon.

  13. Dawn M McCoy says:

    What they all said. And rethink the electronics. He will just sell them.

    • Helga says:

      Excellent point, Dawn. Been there, seen it happen. Anything valuable is turned into cash for drugs.

      • Terri says:

        We let our son take similar items with him when we made him leave our home. He sold them for drugs and now has nothing. I buy a few articles of clothing for birthdays and Christmas but I will not replace anything else for him.

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