Hell no…

My son would be shocked to learn that it is my husband who does not want to throw him out. I had a shelter that I called…they had a bed and I was totally prepared to drop him off. J thinks dad is the bad guy but it is his father who is not ready to throw him out. It is also my husband who continually berates him on a regular basis. It is ugly. J is the at the receiving end of all his father’s rage. Yet…throw him out? HELL NO!

J is clean and has been for around a week. This time withdrawal was more traumatic. I think it scared him. He had not felt that horrible in probably two years.Why is this not enough? Why is the pain not enough for an addict to answer HELL NO to drugs? I am not strong enough to force J out with out the support of my husband. We both have to be on the same page. God forbid anything happened and my husband could say “See, I told you so” we are either all in or out. My husband gets closer to “all in”  every time J messes up.

We could be the poster family for dysfunction…<sigh>

 

Edited to add: I am sure my husband is going to love this post…NOT.

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About madyson007

I am a mom of 4 who thought she was home free with her oldest son when he went off to college. My serious blunder? Genetics and being naive or maybe just plain stupid.
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5 Responses to Hell no…

  1. Lisa says:

    So so important to be on the same page. And you are correct – if something happens it will destroy your marriage if you weren’t in agreement. Doesn’t a part of you feel grateful that your husband hasn’t given up on J all together? I sort of wonder how that hard a$$ husband of mine from the old days has endured without going absolutely ballistic. In a way I am so proud of his willingness to endure. He loves his son as I am sure your husband does. We just don’t always know what to do. As I have said before, none of this had a chapter in our Dr Spock book. Ugh

  2. Matt's mom says:

    Hey, been following for awhile. As I am such a big mouth, I am a bit timid to add my thoughts, suggestions as to what to do. So, take this with an order of McDonald’s fries.
    Think of this as war. Tactics. Look up a bunch on motivational theory, really. Think like a teacher in the inner cities who will get fired if the kids don’t learn. You have to motivate on the negative and positive sides at the same time: do this and plus, do the other and Heroshima goes off.
    So, start making up a list of rewards. Trips, time, things like a car, visits to loved ones, a concert, camping, whatever he really would like to work toward and then dangle it.
    Also, think of something, anything besides throwing him to the wolves. You see, the world is a great teacher for those who do not have a way to shrink from the pain of failure. This would possibly if not probably drive him to say, “What the hell ever, I might as well feel good tonight as I am such a loser anyway and I want some relief.”
    Think of real consequences: “we have decided that your life is in danger and the three of us have signed a paper to commit you.” or, “we are going to pick you up every day ourselves and you will be withing 10 feet of one of us at all times as we put a bed in our room also.” or “we hired a detective and anyone you buy from will be tossed in jail as we are pressing charges.” I could think of a million. Well, now that I don’t have the chance to.
    I don’t mean to be crass, but if I could bring my son back I would quit my job, sell my house, and move to Siberia just to save him. Really, the streets get rid of your problem, but at what cost. So, my input. Sorry if I interjected out of turn. Summary: get creative by thinking he is dead already. What would you do to bring him out of the grave?
    Hugs and sending my prayers,
    Jane

  3. Dee says:

    Wow – I surely missed many weeks of things going on in your world. I’m so sorry you are going through this. Again.

    Ya know what? I like Matt’s Mom and I love what she has to say. This is war, dammit.
    I was watching “The Voice” or some other similar mindless TV recently, and I stumbled upon a story where a 16 year old Chicago-youth was starting to get into serious trouble and his mom just up and moved the family to another state. I have a lot of respect for that mom — good or bad — she made the decision and got her son out of the situation. And he seemed like a very sweet kid (and he could definitely sing!)…but I’m rambling…

    As I’ve read Ron say many times — We can only do what we feel is the right thing to do for our own families. No one lives it but us. Be well, my friend.

  4. Melissa says:

    Blog looks good. Write despite what your husband thinks. If its therapy for you then so be it. I am so sorry hubby is hurting things. Tough spot. Know the feeling.

  5. Sheila says:

    We all have our own experiences to share, and we all have our own levels of what we can tolerate. Matt’s mom’s way did not work for me. Admittedly, a lot of that was due to my now-ex-husband having totally different ideas about mental health and addiction than I did. If we had been able to work as a team, things might have been better.

    I tried the negative consequences – her dad undermined them and instead rewarded her for bad behavior and bailed her out of the messes she should have had to handle on her own.

    I tried having her sleep in the bed with me so that I could keep an eye on her all night. It trashed my sleep, my blood pressure, my sanity, and my marriage.

    My daughter was institutionalized 7 times within one year for mental health/addiction treatment. The last time was during a “come to Jesus” meeting that I demanded with daughter, her dad, myself, and the one decent doctor in our local hospital. That meeting ended when she threatening to kill both me and her father right in front of the doctor and the doctor had no choice but to involuntarily commit her.

    Now I’m living 2 hours away from my ex and daughter. She mooches off him, and he spoils her rotten. She hates me because I no longer have endless time and money to indulge her whims. My ex likes to rub that in my face. It sucks.

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