Bad parent…

I did not recognize it then and maybe I don’t now. The summer before J went to college he needed to have one of his wisdom teeth removed. He came home with a couple of percosets. I really believe that was the beginning of his love affair with opiates. He developed some sort of complication and had a root canal in the tooth next to it. Guess what he came home with?… percosets. At one point I called the dentist and told him under no circumstances was he to give J anymore narcotics. He seemed to be ok for the next couple of months and he eagerly waited for his freshman year at college to start. Oh how proud we were…

J had been at college exactly 11 days when we got a call from the hospital saying that he was in emergency and needed to have an appendectomy. We rushed to the hospital to be with him and he came home with …Guess what? Yup you guessed it another prescription for an opiate. That was the beginning of the hell we are still dealing with to this day. He went back to school but by the time he came home for Christmas break…he was a shell of the confident young man that left us.

I was in denial but my husband recognized it for what it was… drugs. What my husband did not recognize was that our son was an addict. My gut reaction was to immediately pull him him out of school and send him to rehab. My husbands solutions was to tell him to never do it again and send him back to college to finish off his freshman year.  He left his freshman year with a 3.65 GPA while falling deep into his addiction. To this day I wonder if we had immediately sent him to rehab would things have been different? Truthfully I don’t think the outcome would have been all that different. After all it was love at first kiss…

I am not that same mother who believed loving him would be enough to make him stop using. What he is doing right now is just a slow descent back to hell…only once again he thinks he has it all under control. He is waiting for us to relax and believe in him again and then he will relax and just use casually once again. I don’t want to be a part of this cycle anymore. I just don’t know how to extract myself from my part in this. It is not a conscious thing…but my support always ends the same way.

I think maybe J has figured out is: he can stay in our house when he doesn’t use…which works for awhile until it doesn’t and then when he is caught he stops using and I swear to you he can stop with not a lot of hoopla because it does not take us very long to figure it out. We will be testing him again this week but I am not sure that being clean is enough for me to want him in our house any longer. This is a game of cat and mouse now. He uses, we catch him and he stops. Rinse and repeat. I am done playing this game. Today I sent him a link to all the homeless shelters in our County…he really should take a look at them. You never know when he might need them.

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About madyson007

I am a mom of 4 who thought she was home free with her oldest son when he went off to college. My serious blunder? Genetics and being naive or maybe just plain stupid.
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5 Responses to Bad parent…

  1. Tori Lee says:

    I asked my son after he was sober a few months if we should have put him in rehab when we first found out. His reply was no. It might have helped him and it may have not but he really doesn’t believe 30-60-90 days in rehab would have changed the outcome. His first rehab stunt didn’t help that the Judge ordered anyway. He said that the only reason his 45 day stay in jail did is because he had the 14 month program to complete after and he really hated jail. He said if he had gotten out after 45 or even 90 days he still would have ended up using again. It was the long-term care that helped. But he even thinks that he probably should have stayed in jail (the drug court part of it longer).

    Thank you for sharing.

  2. Connie says:

    I wish I had an answer. I’ve written and deleted three replies here so far because nothing sounds adequate. I just want to wrap my arms around you and give you a hug. It’s not your fault at all. Love at first kiss is exactly right. I don’t have an answer. I’m just here. And someday, when and if you need to put him out on his own, I’ll be here to tell you I understand. Been there.

  3. Dawn McCoy says:

    found this statement on Annette’s Blog…http://journeyofrecoverysearchforserenity.blogspot.com/

    .

    “Our addicts watch us more than they listen to us.” They watch our behavior. Just like the old adage, “actions speak louder than words.” I can talk all I want about keeping my home a safe place, but I need to make choices and take actions that actually do keep it a safe place. A place of rest and peace for our family. I can talk about working a program, detaching with love, etc. etc….but unless I take action, its all just a bunch of ideas.

  4. Sheila says:

    I can’t remember where I read it, but somewhere I read that the brains of addicts react differently to drugs like percocet compared to the brains of non-addicts. When I had surgery, percocet made me sleepy and groggy and stupid and I HATED the feeling. Apparently, the body chemistry of an addict gives them a rush from the percocet instead. It’s almost biological destiny. If so, it is to be expected that it would take tremendous willpower, preferably bolstered by a good program, to keep from using.

    I have also heard that you can put someone in rehab at any time, but until they are ready to work it, it’s not going to do much good.

    I couldn’t deal with the cat and mouse game any longer. L was sneakier than I was. She even fooled my now-ex many, many times, and he’s usually superb at detecting BS. For me, living under separate roofs was the only path to sanity.

    Praying for you and your family,
    Sheila

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