This is my reality…

I am so disappointed. I like a particular blog and visit often which makes this all the more sad.

When I share my life with you, it is my truth, my reality, my view on a current situation. I do not glamorize, trivialize or minimize the seriousness of addiction. I don’t pretend to know someone else’s addict… I only know what you share. You only know what I share. My life is more than this blog or more than my son’s addiction. I am so sad that every couple of months I feel the need to defend myself from a select few, but it hurts. When I am hurt I blog…so unfortunately you all get to listen.

When I say J is dabbling, casually using, on occasion using or how ever else I might have expressed it…IT IS EXACTLY WHAT I MEAN. Right now that is my reality. I am not delusional nor am I in denial. I do not think that this behavior can continue indefinitely…..it absolutely will lead him back to hell and if it does this time, I am not going to be there to watch. Way back in the day when I started this blog I was in denial. I know and understand exactly what is happening right now. This spiral will continue unless he pulls him self together and on many occasions he has been able to do that. I am fiercely praying that this is one of those times.

Please don’t judge me as stupid. I am an intelligent woman who unfortunately knows more about addiction then I ever wanted. I didn’t want to join this club. THIS CLUB SUCKS!

Just one more thing…There are many of you who probably believe what that poster said but I respect you for just offering an ear and some advice with no judgement attached because that is the community I love with all my heart. This does not mean I only want to hear messages of love. Advice can be freely given with out judgement. Hell, Dawn, Ron and a few others do it all the time and not once have I felt judged by them or made to feel “less than”.

Also, I know I have a few recovering and maybe not recovering addicts who read my blog. Is what I am saying possible?

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About madyson007

I am a mom of 4 who thought she was home free with her oldest son when he went off to college. My serious blunder? Genetics and being naive or maybe just plain stupid.
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13 Responses to This is my reality…

  1. Ron Grover says:

    You’re doing all you can do. Our kids may use the same thing but nothing is the same. Regardless we are all individuals and I learned after many years, we can only do what we are capable of doing. Right and wrong doesn’t come into that.

    It’s possible to do things that may be right as far as other say but if you can’t live with yourself what have you gained?

    Be strong, do what you can, learn from every action. That’s what a loving mom does, that’s what any loving parent does.

  2. Lisa says:

    I hear you and I think I know exactly what you are talking about. And I think we as moms are acutely aware of when our sons are acutely out of control and holding it together regular all the while using and dabbling. Beluve me when my son is at the 75% and above spiraling towards complete uncontrollable using there isn’t a mom who knows addiction, a PO, or a sub doctor on this planet who will not recognize it.

  3. Annette says:

    Ohhhh I’m sorry you were hurt here in our blog world. I hate when that happens and it always surprises me at how a strangers opinion can affect me so much. We all are doing the best we can! There are no hard and fast rules to all of this. Hang in there sweet thing……

  4. Erin says:

    You should never feel like you have to defend yourself. All we can do for each other is share our experiences. I agree with what Ron said. I do know what you mean about the dabbling my son dabbled on and off for years unfortunately he wasn’t able to pull himself together after doing that as you know he was fired from his job and then spiraled downward. I don’t want to be a part of this club either, it bothers me that I think about addiction every single day of my life, regardless of whether or not he is using, even while he is away at rehab. My nar-anon meetings help, I don’t feel judged there, whenever anyone shares they always make it clear that what they are sharing worked for them but it may not necessarily work for you. I really wish that there was a cookie cutter fix for this awful disease. I’m trying hard to pull out of the looming depression that keeps coming over me since his overdose. I hope that I didn’t say anything that made you feel the way you do, I never once thought that you were in denial about anything.

  5. Mary says:

    For what it’s worth, my son has told me that he is at his most vulnerable, when things are good. I am hoping and praying that J will pull himself out. Relapse is part of recovery. Let’s hope the damage to everyone affected is minimized and that things won’t sprial out of control. Hugs.

  6. Mary says:

    ps Happy Birthday. Concentrate on the good and try to tuck the other stuff away at least for a little while.

  7. Tori Lee says:

    I completely understand what you wrote. I do not have much to write except to let you know I am thinking of you. Ron and Dawn always write great comments.

  8. Jackie says:

    You asked if anyone in recovery wanted to add anything. So, I will. Jackie, recovering alcoholic. Mother of three, two adult, one teen.
    It is possible to dabble and come back. My experience, both my own and in sponsoring others, is that each time, the consequences, physical, mental and emotional, as well as financial and the damage we do to our families, tends to be greater.
    Having said that, I will say this. I have grown to believe that a parent should do whatever they think they need to do. Your addict will take full advantage. They will lie, they will steal, they will use yourlove as the manipulative tool that their addiction tells them it is. If they keep doing that, some day you will decide that you have given as much as you can give. That the rest of your family is now more important. That the addict is going to die or get better and you are not in control.
    My partner went to Alanon and left me. Did it speed my recovery? I don’t know. I know that I stopped having someone to blame or to depend on when I screwed up. I know that I have 2.5 years in AA and she has 2.5 years in Alanon and we are together.
    So, do what you are capable of. Measure the rest of your life and pay attention to when you have truly had enough and then let go.
    I don’t honestly know anything except that when an addict/alcoholic gets sober, it’s a miracle and when we are in our disease we are not capable of feeling love or concern for anyone but ourselves no matter what we say.

  9. Debby says:

    I always read your blog. I’m sorry, but I rarely comment. I just sympathize and pray for you. Your blog is what you need it to be. If this helps you to channel your anger and hurt, then so be it. I’m certainly not going to judge you, never have. If anything, I feel genuine sorrow and compassion for what you are going through. I see you as mom who loves her kids, addict included. Can someone dabble? Yes, they can. My son “chipped” off and on for three years. People judged me on my blog. They would tell me to throw him out. To let him go. I would defend my words, because it hurt. But, you know what? This is your very own journey, and there is not one answer that will fit everyone’s mold. After three years of my son dabbling, he finally reached the point that he wanted to be clean. And that’s what it’s all about. I cried a lot. My husband didn’t agree with me, on my strategies. While I stopped giving him money, I could not find the strength to throw him out on the street. I couldn’t do it. You might as well have asked me to throw him into a fire, alive. Today, my son is clean. He still lives at home, pays rent and has kept his job for two years. I live each and every day in gratitude. I try not to “what if”. I know how much you want “J” to be clean… it’s such a desperate longing. Blog, mom, all you want. Be you. Even today, people leave comments to me, that I’m basically stupid to think my son is clean on suboxone. Know what? He’s not buying heroin, and to me that’s clean. He’s “normal”. People will judge, but you have to grow thick skin. We don’t live with you. How can we judge? Blessings and prayers for you.

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