Done…

He is working 30-40 hours a week. Paying some money back to his father. In general doing well right up until he doesn’t. Why is he testing me? How will he learn using and living here is unacceptable? I don’t want him to lose his job but I don’t want to do this anymore either. I am working up the energy to throw his ass out of my house. I just have to think of the logistics…like where? What do I let him take? How do I get him there? How do I keep him from returning home. I don’t want any more drama…I just want off this ride.

My husband is not quite on the same page as I am but, It will only be a matter of time before he wants off the crazy train to0. Until then I will be patient and I will plan his departure. This will kill my father (his grandfather) and I pray he never finds out. What was the point of paying all of his debt off?

 

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About madyson007

I am a mom of 4 who thought she was home free with her oldest son when he went off to college. My serious blunder? Genetics and being naive or maybe just plain stupid.
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17 Responses to Done…

  1. Dawn M McCoy says:

    Find an apt, pay one months (or week) rent. Tell him the truth. Let him take personal items. If he has no transportation, give him back his car, in HIS name. Do not insure it or pay for ins. Tell him to call you with anything except a drug issue, or to borrow money which he will not get. Tell him you love him, but you cannot and WILL NOT do this.

    • Sheila says:

      Dawn has an excellent plan. The only way J will learn to make it on his own is to have to take full responsibility for it. Get him started, get your name OFF the car and insurance, and tell him the Bank of Mom and Dad is closed.

      To keep him from returning home, change the locks. If that doesn’t work, get a restraining order.

      I hope you can get your spouse on board. Mine made it clear that he would never let L risk living on the streets, and if it came down to choosing between L and me, he would choose L because “you are a big girl and presumably can take self of yourself. ” I moved out shortly after and got a divorce. Now I am with a loving man who puts ME first in his life. L has visited in my home, but only for brief periods when I can keep my eye on her (never overnight), and I make sure my valuables are locked up while she is in my home. L and I are not close, mainly because I won’t give her money while ex-DH continues to fund her lavish lifestyle (which is heading him towards financial disaster).

      It feels so good to be in a quiet, peaceful , loving home now and off the crazy ride. The divorce and leaving the family home was hard but ultimately worth it.

      Good luck and be strong,

      Sheila

    • Madyson007 says:

      I am gonna run this by the hubby….

  2. Erin says:

    They don’t get that they can’t use in the house, when they are in the I want to use mode, all reason flies out the window, it doesn’t even come into the equation in their heads. Be careful about the car, when my son left my house I did let him take the car that was registered and insured in my name, I seriously believe it was the grace of God that nothing happened, he did use and drive and as I have shared before he was arrested in June for aggravated DWI and used needles in the trunk. He had a car full of people and was driving down the wrong side of the road. I thank God the officer stopped him that night would have ended so badly. It is really hard getting them out of the house, my son had an apartment for a few months and then after the arrest he came back home, he had lost his job about a month prior. Sounds like you are working on a plan for when your husband comes around. I’ll be praying for you.

    • Madyson007 says:

      It’s weird Erin…I do not think he is to the point of “Drug Taken Over…Alien in his place”. I have seen that person the one where he is an Alien and would run over his father to get to his dealer..I am not sure how long this will stay that way but right now he really is CHOOSING to use. So if he is clear enough to choose to dabble at the moment. WHY is he not smart enough to NOT choose to USE!

      • Erin says:

        Yes, I’m familiar with the alien :0). My son got back to that place, unfortunately, pretty quickly after he was fired from his job and that is when the arrest took place. Before that point he wasn’t in full alien form, he was dabbling on some weekends, but I don’t really think there is any such thing as really dabbling it always seems to lead to the full blown alien, I mean at least that is what I have seen with my son. One thing that blew me away was when he told me that when you buy heroin most dealers have you use a little before they will sell it to you, kind of insurance for the dealer, and when he said that I was like you were driving and he said yeah but it was only a little they make you use. Sigh…….

  3. Lisa says:

    Meant to respond last night but too busy watching all the shades of done on Intervention ;). There are many levels of done I am sure over the last few years you have been done and undone many times. I know I have. And then they clean themselves up and you can tell they aren’t using for a week or two and you get a little lighter in your step and feel like things are subnormal only to be dissapointed again somewhere along the way. I guess I like the fact I can report he has a job. I like that I can have an answer now when people ask what he is doing. Better than saying nothing or jail right? But I guess in the end the biggest thing we hate is watching their day to day world. And yes we want off. I have absolutely no idea how to remove him. I have not even figured it out. I don’t know. He talks about it often. ‘when I move out, ‘looking’…I have even started to pile up items an furniture for the big day. I just don’t even have a clue how to make it happen. People don’t believe me when I say when he is out of sight I am a calmer and saner person. But I am! He sometimes makes my skin crawl when he’s in the house. I feel sort of guilty about that. Not as much as I used to. I have my good reasons right? And so do you! However my mind travels to happy thoughts when he isn’t here. I do that to keep my sanity. My husband pictures the worst and cannot handle not knowing where he is or if he is ok. Vicious circle of BS!

  4. Jeff says:

    Urggggg, this is so hard. I know that. But…….. You ask “How will he learn using and living here is unacceptable?” That is an easy answer (perhaps not easy to carry out but easy to answer) How he will learn is by you teaching him and how you teach him is to follow through with what you say. J knows you won’t do it. J knows he can get away with it. He always has. He knows who he can manipulate and who he can’t. He knows someone will come to his rescue, if not you, then grandrather or SOMEONE! Unless and until he sees he really can’t he will continue, because in all honesty he has been taught that he can. But I’ll bet you already know this.

    Now, switching gears, relapse is part of the disease. It really is. That does not excuse it. That does not contridict what I said above, but relapse is a part of the disease of addiction. The thing is, when a cancer patient relapses, they get back into treatment and everyone rallys around them. When an addict relapses… It’s just not something people understand and deal with very well. If you’ll remember, I too am an opiate addict. Now, in my case I’ve got close to 4 years. I never lost my house, car, etc. but I did lose a lot. Thankfully I have not relapsed and God willing I will not. But do keep that in your mind. I am not cured and never will be – neither is J. And he will never be cured. He will live with this for as long as he lives. He could get clean for dozens of years and then bang, be back again with another relapse. There will never be a time that he is out of the woods or is curred. That day will never come. Without a doubt, with every additional clean day J has, he is a litte bit farther away from relapse. He is just never done. Just never curred. And now, he is back to only doube digites of days clean. The clock started over with his last use. He needs to re-double his sobriety efforts and get back on that horse.

    Yeah, it all totally sucks. Addiction totally sucks. It’s just as rotten as many other illnesses out there. But J has it, for life. If I can assure you of anything, it is that. J is an addict for as long as he shall live.

  5. Barbara says:

    Just wanted you to know I am reading along and feel your pain. All of this is just too much sometimes. Dawn had a good suggestion….he has a JOB so he can take care of himself now.

    • Madyson007 says:

      I thought the job was the answer…only it turns out it is has been his down fall. Having said that it means: J can work, earn money and use or live at home do nothing and depend on us for everything…BOTH SUCK! LOL

  6. Change says:

    My daughter has been clean for a few weeks. As much as I should be overjoyed, I’m not. She does not have a job now and has absolutely no money. So buying drugs right now is not an option. I’ve seen this cycle before. Use, lose job, use until money runs out, can’t find job, find job, use again. Hope I’m wrong this time. But for the first time I have refused to rescue her so the phone is now shut off and the utilities next. I think they have too many “friends” as they call them to ever go homeless. I think I’m hurting more than she is seeing her get to this point. But I remind her when she’s crying and trying to manipulate me that I believe she is capable. And where she has gotten herself now is not impossilbe to dig herself out, it’s just hard. I hope you can convience yourself that your son is capable…as long as you can believe that, then asking him to leave will give you peace of mind. I think when we help them, we are sending them the message they are not capable AND THEY ARE! She’s frantically looking for work now but I have that same feeling that once she gets money…will she use it wisely. So yea…the job is not always the answer. They need to be UNCOMFORTABLE for awhile. I don’t know if any of this helped but unfortuniately I don’t have the answer to any of this crap. I’m just putting one foot in front of the other every day just like a lot of other POA’s. Good luck.

  7. Beeachteacher says:

    All I can say is if they’re not actively working against it, through NA or another way, consistently,..it’s working on them & will keep happening ..the relapses. That I believe very much. And yes, it surely sucks,..but there’s hope for recovery, that takes active effort consistently.

    • Jeff says:

      You are correct Beeachteacher. Someone with 2 years of sobriety is tycpially in a safer place than someone with 2 months. They both could relapse but so long as they both keep at it, the 2 year is “safer”. The poblem is, either one gives up, starts to think “I’m curred” or wrose yet “I can handle this or just use a little bit here and there” that the start of the end has begun.

  8. Ron Grover says:

    Dawn has a good plan. My only other suggestion would be to provide notice. What finally worked for us when Alex could no longer live at home was to essentially treat him like a renter. We gave him notice as of date ________ he had to be out with other living arrangements. You can help all you want or not.

    As far as jobs, do not interfere with his job. His job is between him and his employer. If he thinks he can live in both worlds, using and working, it will catch up to him eventually. then he suffers the consequences but at that time he is out of your home.

  9. Dawn McCoy says:

    I forgot to mention. Once they are actually OUT of your home, your life becomes…not easier…but, more normalized. You do not constantly live in the “look at his eyes, is he using?” mode. YOUR life returns. You go for walks. You leave your purse on the kitchen counter. You don’t constantly count your money. You sleep better, and all through the night. You have friends over again. You go out to dinner. Then, soon, you start hitting the Decline button on your phone when THEY call, because you are BUSY and you know they will call back. You take back YOUR life, and go back to just being a mother and wife, instead of a WATCHER…instead of constantly having your guts in an uproar. You are no longer in “fight or flight” mode, your adrenaline levels return to normal. And, as said by many above, you send a clear signal to your son. The most important signal is “I believe you CAN be an adult, and by you staying here, I am KEEPING you from being one.” So, really, kicking him to the curb is not betraying him. It is allowing him the opportunity to actually grow up and be the adult you know that he can be. For many of us, enlightenment came at the end of the tunnel, when WE reached “DONE”. And, it was only then that we discovered that in setting our child free, we allowed them the dignity of living life as an adult, and having the opportunity to live out the consequences of bad decisions, which is part of recovery. Getting evicted or getting your electric shut off is how they learn not to squander their money. So, when the day comes, do NOT bail him out financially, ever again. Let him have the dignity to live out his own life.

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