I am getting that really bad feeling again…

The one where you can feel things starting to disintegrate but there is not a damn thing you can do about it. He is more than dabbling in it. I can see the alien starting to come back. The glazed look, disinterest, candy…I know he thinks he is in control but I can see that control slipping. He is going to have to leave and I really don’t know how we are going to do this. He finally gets a job earning real money and he is slipping into the dark AGAIN. He honestly thinks he has this under control but it won’t be more than a few days before things completely drop into HELL. There is no such thing as recovery, only remission and he is no longer in remission.

Silly me…I was bummed I had started to gain weight back. This ought to be good for a few pounds. Addiction Sucks! I want out…please don’t let me get pulled back in. I am swimming as fast I can but I think a big dark wave is coming to take me under. I thought with the love he had from his girlfriend he could put this behind him. She may stick around for awhile but she is going to run screaming when she realizes how dark this can get. I feel sorry for her, I know she loves him too.


About madyson007

I am a mom of 4 who thought she was home free when my oldest son went off to college. My serious blunder? Genetics and being naive or maybe just plain stupid.
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8 Responses to I am getting that really bad feeling again…

  1. Lisa says:

    Ugh the candy. Do you know when I see sour patch kids I gag? Keep in mind they eat these when they withdraw too. But I’m sure you know what you are talking about? Does he have a PO? Someone you can get the reigns on him with? For the record by son has relapsed and sobered up a few times since his employment so your son does have a way of getting back here. All is not lost. But again, why do we need to watch this? I so want him out. Today was a reality check for me as well. I saw a couple he hung with often just got busted for heroin and cocaine. I was under the blind impression my son ‘only’ did pills. In any case, does it really make a difference??? Hang in there. I know you know cuz your his mom… And I know you anticipate the worst …but hopefully he will see he has a lot more to lose and a lot higher of a drop should he fall this time!!!

  2. Lisa says:

    F them!!! šŸ˜‰

  3. sheila says:

    I found that the only way I could detach was to not live together with my addict and her father/enabler. Don’t let J create a dark wave in your life. He is responsible for his choices and the consequences of those choices. You are responsible for your choices and caring for your younger kids. Good luck however it plays out. Be strong. Hugs, Sheila

  4. Erin says:

    So sorry to hear this we all know how horrible it feels, it all went to hell two weeks ago, my son had a month clean and went on a binge that started on Friday night and ended with an overdose, I found him barely breathing on his bedroom floor, it took the paramedics 15 minutes to bring him back, two shots of narcan. He ended up in the hospital for three nights. I’m still trying to get over seeing it and experiencing it. My son remembers nothing. He will be leaving soon to an in-patient rehab (court ordered) and then on to a sober living home for about five months. As soon as my son had gotten back on his feet and had money in his pocket he relapsed. Nothing about this is easy, I do my best to detach but the feeling comes up, since the overdose I get this sinking feeling of fear in my heart, I keep praying and asking God to please make it go away.

    • madyson007 says:

      I am so sorry Erin…you must have been terrified. Don’t be surprised if this takes awhile to get past. I sometimes feel like I have post traumatic stress syndrome.

  5. Dawn M McCoy says:

    Mady, and you DO have PTSD. Hell, we all do. I think your best choice is to get him out of the house. It may be the only thing that saves you, and perhaps him.

  6. Joy says:

    I’m so sorry you’re going through this. I do believe that it’s easier (in my own experience at least) with the boy out of my house. Yes there is a whole other set of “what if’s” then, but it’s more do-able. Hang on. You will make it. I’m praying for you and all of us other parents today. And of course for our kids. hugs.

  7. notmyboy says:

    A drug test will give you your answers. Don’t hesitate to give him one and then offer a choice of sobriety or streets. Staying at home and doing drugs should never be an option. Been there too many times and it never ends well.

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