J got a real live job making fairly good money. He is a waiter at a fine-dining restaurant. He is working a lot of hours and the owner loves him. Tips are excellent and he loves it! It is less than 15 minutes from our home. Sounds great right? Like a dream come true? I can’t say for sure but I think having a bunch of cash in his hand caused him to relapse. Just want you all to know: I do not want control of his cash. I do not want to be entangled in any of his choices….just sayin’
His point of view is: it was not a relapse…it was a singular event. An event he deeply regrets and swears will never happen again. Shockingly he confessed to his girlfriend who took it very well. She is in LOVE and still seeing him through those rose-colored glasses. He felt he needed to be honest with her….which is ironic considering he looked me smack in the face and denied….denied…denied and then he denied some more when I confronted him.
I caught him red handed but it really would not have mattered, I knew. I only had to take one look in his eyes to get that awesome feeling of getting kicked in the gut by a horse. I know you all think I am delusional and there is no way I can tell by looking in his eyes but I swear to you I can. I can also tell when he is sober. My guess is it was a singular event…no withdrawals. In fact he slept like a baby…I could have PUNCHED him. I am trying to stop myself from vomiting and he is sound asleep. I hated him so much in that moment.
So here we are AGAIN! A singular event…what to do what to do? Didn’t we have a singular event a couple of months ago? I am so pissed. He of course swears it will never happen again…he had a lapse in judgement BLAH Blah blah. I asked him how am I suppose to let this go. What will prevent you from letting this happen again? His answer:
J: “Mom I have worked so hard on not using. Most of the time I don’t even think about it. This was a mistake, that isn’t going to happen again.”
Me: “It already happened again! You might get amnesia about these so-called singular events but I remember! What am I going to do? What can I do now?”
J: “This isn’t about you mom. There is nothing you can do. I just have to work this out on my own and when I mess up I have to learn from it and pick myself up and try again. That’s all I can do.”
Me: “Fuck you J”!
Yes! I win the mommy of the year award for the most awful inappropriate response! It was a real moment and one that I can not take back so I will pick myself up and learn from it. That’s all I can do. HEY, wait a minute didn’t I hear that somewhere before?
Just keep swimming….just keep swimming.