I forgot to share…

J got a real live job making fairly good money. He is a waiter at a fine-dining restaurant. He is working a lot of hours and the owner loves him. Tips are excellent and he loves it! It is less than 15 minutes from our home. Sounds great right? Like a dream come true? I can’t say for sure but I think having a bunch of cash in his hand caused him to relapse. Just want you all to know: I do not want control of his cash. I do not want to be entangled in any of his choices….just sayin’

His point of view is: it was not a relapse…it was a singular event. An event he deeply regrets and swears will never happen again. Shockingly he confessed to his girlfriend who took it very well. She is in LOVE and still seeing him through those rose-colored glasses. He felt he needed to be honest with her….which is ironic considering he looked me smack in the face and denied….denied…denied and then he denied some more when I confronted him.

I caught him red handed but it really would not have mattered, I knew.  I only had to take one look in his eyes to get that awesome feeling of getting kicked in the gut by a horse. I know you all think I am delusional and there is no way I can tell by looking in his eyes but I swear to you I can. I can also tell when he is sober. My guess is it was a singular event…no withdrawals. In fact he slept like a baby…I could have PUNCHED him. I am trying to stop myself from vomiting and he is sound asleep. I hated him so much in that moment.

So here we are AGAIN! A singular event…what to do what to do? Didn’t we have a singular event a couple of months ago? I am so pissed. He of course swears it will never happen again…he had a lapse in judgement BLAH Blah blah. I asked him how am I suppose to let this go. What will prevent you from letting this happen again? His answer:

J: “Mom I have worked so hard on not using. Most of the time I don’t even think about it. This was a mistake, that isn’t going to happen again.”

Me: “It already happened again! You might get amnesia about these so-called singular events but I remember! What am I going to do? What can I do now?”

J: “This isn’t about you mom. There is nothing you can do. I just have to work this out on my own and when I mess up I have to learn from it and pick myself up and try again. That’s all I can do.”

Me: “Fuck you J”!

Yes! I win the mommy of the year award for the most awful inappropriate response! It was a real moment and one that I can not take back so I will pick myself up and learn from it. That’s all I can do. HEY, wait a minute didn’t I hear that somewhere before?

Just keep swimming….just keep swimming.


About madyson007

I am a mom of 4 who thought she was home free when my oldest son went off to college. My serious blunder? Genetics and being naive or maybe just plain stupid.
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19 Responses to I forgot to share…

  1. Lisa says:

    I never thought the F you and F off could potentially leave my mouth and to my son’s ears. But here we are! I find no more appropriate response when I have found that towel with the familiar black marks on it. Or when he says he isn’t hungry a few days in a row and he ‘ate a late lunch at work’. F you! I believe in you and I hate myself when you dissapoint me and then I hate myself for being dissapointed because it’s supposed to be your life and your choices and it’s not supposed to be about us. So much easier said than done isn’t it? I love the fact that my son found a great job making good money with a boss that loves him. But yeh…more money/more opportunities to buy more drugs. They DO NEED to figure it out for themselves but as I’ve said before … I just want off the roller coaster! Wouldn’t it be so much easier if they weren’t under our roof and we weren’t watching their day to day activities ???

  2. Connie says:

    I absolutely believe you can tell by looking in his eyes. I’m 1500 miles away from my son, and I can tell by the tone and timing of his text messages if he’s clean or using something! We moms have a sensitivity to who our children are, and that includes who they are clean and who they are on drugs. And I completely join with you and Lisa on the inevitable “F U.” I remember when I was at my end with all of it, yelling at my son, and him saying “FU” mom and me saying, “No, FU! You’re outta here!” Whew. I don’t have mine under my roof, and it *is* easier. I wish I was a stronger person who could have stuck with it and been there. But I wasn’t. Eh – enough said. You’re in my prayers as always.

  3. Sheri says:

    I’ve used the FU but the most ridiculous thing I ever think I did was throw a loaf of bread at my son! He kept pushing me for money one day while I was on my hands and kness scrubbing the kitchen floor and I got up and grabbed the closest thing I could get my hands on. He was lucky it wasnt a brick!!!

  4. Lisa says:

    They drive us to be people we normally wouldn’t be! But we are feeling things and expressing ourselves because we don’t bury our feelings with drugs. We need not feel guilty. And it’s funny because he swears Im acting like the DEA and lookin for signs and evidence. I have told him multiple times ‘believe me I need not know nor do I look for it. You just arent that slick’. Omg move out already!

  5. Joy says:

    Oh yes, I believe you. I can tell over the phone if my son has been drinking, if it’s beer or hard alcohol or if he’s been using. Every time. I’ve made the decision to not play his game and I immediately tell him, “I can tell you’ve been drinking whiskey” or “I can tell you’re high”. He’s stopped denying it finally. My son is no longer under my roof either. I think I might’ve killed him or vice versa otherwise. Hang on all you parents. I’m focused in staying right here right now. Prayers for us all and for our very, very sick children.

  6. Lauren says:

    I must say I did chuckle when u said FU as only a parent of an addict could. I’ve said it to, not one of my prouder moments. My sons were so high once , I was at my wits end, grounding them from their computers(haha), neither would help me carry them and I got so frustrated , i said ” either help me or I’m throwing them out the window .!!” no one helped me , I chucked everything out window- 3 stories up. After I was shocked at myself and when my husband come home he was speechless!! That woke me up to the depth of the family disease of addiction. No effect on my sons. I wish I had just sworn at them and walked out. These incidents seem to have been part of my pathway to peace and a closer relationship to GOD. Give J to God, enjoy your other children , and try to remember he has a lot of victories you know nothing of! He’s going to make it! Your in my prayers, l

  7. Lisa says:

    I think we can all agree it’s been one big F fest 😉

    • Good for You! tell him how you really feel.its his addict turning things around on you. its like you have 2 people to deal with, your son and your addict. and guess what, that was an absolutely perfect response. he wants to be a grown up so you can talk to him like one!! plus you are not talking to your child when confronting the venomous addict inside. the one that rationalizes his ‘mistakes’. i get so sick of the revolving door in the rooms people claiming to want to stop but then go out and use. and yes we tell them we love them until they can love themselves, yes we need to let them feel welcomed back so they are not afraid to come back, but man, over and over again i just want to yell the same thing at these people toying with their lives. its not a flipping game i have lost a few friends to this disease and i absolutely hate this disease. i hate it. i swear i don’t know how my mother put up with my using. thank god for every day today it has been almost 8 years, geeze did i just say that? wow. went to a ball game the other night and they had half priced beer, i told them i was allergic of alcohol i broke out in handcuffs! hang in there beautiful… i love the f word, it is very empowering!

      • madyson007 says:

        That is exactly what I was feeling. It is not a game…people die everyday from addiction. A singular event is like russian roulette. Not using for long periods of time and then thinking you can use as much as you did is probably what leads to many over-doses!

        But of course I don’t need to worry about that because he is never going to use again. HA!

  8. Lisa says:

    A year ago yesterday my non addict son lost his childhood best friend to a heroin needle to the arm 24 hours after being released from a 40,000 a month rehab. My son hadn’t spoken to him in over a year because of his using and believed he was coming home a changed kid. I think he hates his brother even more for having the chance of a lifetime to make it time and time again yet going back to the pills every time. He feels there is no excuse. He is the biggest non enabler on the planet and is never dissapointed with his brothers relapses because HE NEVER EXPECT A THING. Maybe we should lower ou expectations and never be dissapointed 😉

  9. Erin says:

    I don’t believe in singular events, every time my son had a “singular event” it led to another “singular event.” You are absolutely correct that they can overdose after not using for a while. My son overdosed two weeks ago, he hadn’t used in about a month, I found him barely breathing on his bedroom floor, it took the paramedics 20 minutes to bring him back two shots of narcan. He told his brother he used the same amount as he used to but bought from a different dealer and the heroin was much stronger. The problem is they never know what they are getting. My son’s “singular event” turned into a two day binge and almost took his life. He is going into an inpatient program (court ordered) for a month and then to a sober living home for 8 months. I am praying for him and hoping that he will turn it around but I really have no expectations. I hate this disease, it is just plain ugly.

  10. Lisa says:

    I have Narcan kits locked and loaded and waiting. Everyone should

    • Erin says:

      Here in New York they are not available to the general public or by prescription, only a doctor or paramedic can administer it, but we are hoping that at some point it will be available.

  11. Dee says:

    Madyson – I don’t know how you do it. God love you!

  12. Lisa says:

    They are free here in Mass. You can pick them up in some inner city clinics. I wonder if in that moment I would be able to pull it together to use one but if it saves one life …and that life decides its worth living …it’s all worth it!!

    Every state should allow them I think!

  13. Beeachteacher says:

    It just all sucks SO f’ing much. My son relapsed last night,…after trying so hard,….legitimately. As you know,…mothers know. His recovery has been real,..& he wants it truly,..& still, in one night,…poof. I am heartbroken. I’m so sorry for you. The fear of the outcome is painful,…so painful.

  14. Beeachteacher says:

    And btw,…while I was talking on the phone to our son,…states away,…my husband yelled out, “fuck you” to our son. : (. I understood it totally,..& so did our son.

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