They think I don’t know…

They think I am stupid. I am not stupid but I am a coward. So I sit in this house swallowing my pride and paralyzed by fear. I go back to work/school in a week and my little ones go back a week after that. I don’t have family here and I don’t have money. I have no where to go because what I really want is to just be done with all things addiction.  Why can’t they leave? I am the one who will take care of my younger kids and the two dogs. The two of them are two peas in a pod except they hate each other. I think for most of this journey from hell, I thought it was my genetics that did this. HA!

If either of them look at me like I am crazy one more time, I am going to…I don’t really know and there in lies the problem.

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About madyson007

I am a mom of 4 who thought she was home free with her oldest son when he went off to college. My serious blunder? Genetics and being naive or maybe just plain stupid.
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8 Responses to They think I don’t know…

  1. Syd says:

    Madyson, maybe it’s time to get out of the house and to go talk to others who, like you, are having problems but are finding solutions. When things got so bad for me, I was willing to leave. I know that was the defining moment for us and the impetus my wife needed to get into recovery. I followed by going to Al-Anon the following week. Miracles do happen. FEAR= face everything and recover

  2. Barbara says:

    I’m so concerned for you. I wish I had some answers. Having the younger kids and the pets makes it very difficult for you to leave. I wish they would both leave too. Something has to change, you sound like you’re at your breaking point. I’m so sorry. I hate addiction. People that don’t have to deal with it have no idea how lucky they are.

  3. Ron Grover says:

    We are all crazy, it’s just that the ones looking for sanity are on these blogs with all of their true friends. Don’t ever feel you are alone. We have your back. You know my e-mail, it’s on my blog. You want to chat I’ll give my phone number. Darlene will talk if you want too.

    All of us must find peace in our own way. If it’s a meeting, or whatever. Mine is a motorcycle ride and writing/venting on all of you wonderful people.

    I learned a very hard lesson through all of Alex’s turmoil, the only people expecting us to hold up the world is ourself. I got so tired of shifting the world from one shoulder to the next. I learned it was OK to set it down, take time for myself. NOTHING ever got better when I was shouldering the load. When I was doing that it wasn’t just about Alex. By being selfish and taking on all of that it nearly cost me my marriage too. Nothing is worth that to me. I had to let go or perish.

    Maybe the best strategy when the tornado is swirling is to sit down and refuse to be caught up in the turbulence. Take time to compose and think through what is best for you. Duck and cover, run like a crazy person, stand up and face it like you don’t know better or whatever. It just has to be right for you. And, if you figure that you need help, hold out your hand. There are a lot us waiting to grasp it.

    Just remember, all of us crazies know EXACTLY what we are doing. I love it when the others look at me funny, curse and walk off shaking their head. 😉

  4. Tori says:

    I agree with Syd. I dont’ always follow what is going on Ibecause of just one or two lines that you post but it is obvious you need help. You need to help yourself though and maybe if you can go to Al-Anon or even Therapy where you really can talk to someone you would feel better. It is hard to know what to do when you are in the middle of chaos. I hope that you will talk to someone for your sake and your other kids. It is going to continue to stay this way until you do something about it. Thinking of you and praying it gets better.

  5. Dawn McCoy says:

    is it at all possible to just NOT participate anymore? I mean, as far as just dealing with the littles and the dogs and leave your husband and son to deal with their own crap? When they are high, ask them to leave until they can return sober? I don’t know what else to say. I wish I was your next door neighbor. Sigh. Other than that, I agree with Ron.

  6. Connie says:

    Sending my caring and love. I’m certainly hearing that you could use another adult in your life who can walk alongside you in a sober, loving way. I’m going to pray for that for you. For what it’s worth, I do not see you as a coward at all. I see you as a strong and brave woman who has found herself surrounded by insanity. i know that’s not very helpful, but it’s true.

  7. sheila says:

    madyson,

    I’m so sorry that things are crumbling. You seemed so upbeat there for a while. It must be really hard when you have the little ones and the dogs to consider.

    In the midst of the craziness, it is hard to stay objective. I found that a good therapist and Alanon helped me to get my bearings. I ended up leaving our family home. My DD and ex-DH are living together in the family house, which is falling apart around them. He is letting his finances deteriorate. They both drink – not sure how much but it’s not my place to keep track.

    My only tie left to him now is the house, which ex-DH and I still own jointly. I pray that I can get my equity out before he trashes the house. I’m sure he has made me out to be the evil witch to all of our mutual friends.

    My consolation is that I have found a good man. Money is tight, but we have a home and love each other. Sure beats sticking in a loveless marriage waiting for the ex to die.

    Hugs and best wishes. If you want to chat on the phone or online, let me know.

    sheila

    • Lisa says:

      I read these blogs religiously. Seems our lives seem to run tandem with each other. I want so hard to learn the detachment thing but it seems too damn difficult with our addicts under our roof. I want him gone. Not totally gone . ….just out of my day to day world so I can breathe. If medical insurance, great drs, sub therapy, probation with random drug testing landing a 40,000 a year first real job by someone who just wants to give him a chance, loving parents who have forgiven his every indiscretion, a clean girlfriend, and the use of my car each and every day does not show him the way out….then I have no answers. Throw them overboard and save ourselves! They are gonna sink the ship! Just do done with it all!

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