I never recognized how sick I really was…

Easter egg hunt is over…my kids are in a sugar coma on the couch watching Scooby Doo. I am going to put my stuffed turkey in the oven in about an hour. My husband is working which really is not at all unusual. The kids don’t even ask where he is anymore, in fact they are a little bewildered when he is home saying “Dad, what are you doing home?” LOL

I want to take this opportunity to tell you how much you all mean to me. In March 2010 I could see things disintegrating right before my eyes, it is when I was at my sickest and J was at his lowest. Co-dependency jumps off the page when you read those posts so clearly, I could be the poster child for Ala-non’s “What not to do…”. On April 7, 2010 J was arrested for DUI and possession. I never gave the details but it was pretty bad and he is lucky that he didn’t get jail time.

When I go back and read March 2010 and April 2010…things were so bad with no hope in sight. All of you forced me to see this for what it really was…I think it is some where at this point that I went into self-preservation mode and started extracting myself from J’s life but it was and still is a very long hard road. I honestly don’t know where I would be today if you guys had not come along. I was a very sick woman, vomiting, panic attacks and crying jags like you would not believe. I looked physically ill. I was so thrilled that I had lost all that weight, it never occurred to me that people looking in recognized something that I could not…I was sick.

New parent’s out there reading my blog, go back and read the posts from March 2010 and April 2010. I think it could be an invaluable lesson to see in black and white, how sick your child’s addiction can make you! I could not focus on anything but J’s addiction and that clearly was getting neither of us anywhere.

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About madyson007

I am a mom of 4 who thought she was home free with her oldest son when he went off to college. My serious blunder? Genetics and being naive or maybe just plain stupid.
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6 Responses to I never recognized how sick I really was…

  1. Barbara says:

    Ditto, ditto, ditto, and ditto

    I get it and have been in your shoes, honestly, I think both of us have grown a lot and its very disturbing to look back and see how sick we were. I’m still learning, I still fall back into the old ways of thinking. But it does get easier as time goes on.

    Thinking of you today. Enjoy your turkey dinner and your family šŸ™‚

  2. Dawn M McCoy says:

    ā¤

  3. onemomtalking says:

    Right back attcha, Honey. It’s crazy looking back. But it’s also nice to see that we’ve all made progress. Hope you had a nice Easter dinner. Lots of love and God bless!

  4. Syd says:

    It takes a while to be aware of how unmanageable life can be. And then to accept that changes have to be made. You are doing great!

  5. Terri says:

    Take care of yourself! I hear you!

  6. Lisa says:

    I remember July 2010 like yesterday. I lost 10 pounds that first week. Holidays and birthdays and life in general have passed. I have learned to accept what I cannot change. There are good weeks and bad. Easter was ok. He had circles and I caught his sister lookin at him which in turnade me start the wheels in motion with thoughts and next steps and ideas of action items to take next. And then I stopped. I stopped and I continued on with my day and focused on me and family and friends and hosting. I told my daughter he has the tools. If he chooses to do so he can be sober. We cannot do more than we have done to provide that. If a great job he had landed, good family, love and support, a great doctor, suboxone attainment if he needs it, and probation with drug testing doesn’t get him there…my worrying certainly won’t either. There is a great childrens book … One of my favorites…called Thornton the Worrier. I think all parents of addicts need to read it. I know I certainly lost sight of it. My gyn gave me the advice a year ago (she has struggled with her own daughters pill addiction that started when she was off at college). She told me to take care of me first. Yoga , meditation, whatever because our worry will not do a thing to change the addict. In fact, it can hurt the situation.

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