Real eggs are dyed, plastic eggs filled with candy, baskets of shiny fake grass prepped and we are ready for an Easter hunt in the morning! I am really trying to be present and in the moment this Easter because I can feel the change coming. No more Easter bunny mystery in our house but My eight-year-old and twelve-year-old are still very excited for tomorrow. I can see my little ones growing so fast and instead of joy there is this melancholy kind of feeling. All I really want for my kids is happiness but I know what the future can bring sometimes. I am not projecting anything but I am not that naive mom anymore and I really miss her.
I miss that woman I was when I was younger and raising my older two. I had absolute blind faith that they would grow up to be great people and the world would be theirs for the taking. After all, we were giving them every advantage to succeed in life. What more could we do? Well, I guess there was more we could do. I am just not sure what, because if I knew, I would do everything in my power to make it right for my younger children. To safe guard them from the possible catastrophic life of an addict. Catastrophic feels like such a strong word but I really feel it is an apt description. Whether an active addict or a recovering addict the destruction is so complete…it is very hard to dig your way back.
J is frozen in time but clean. He has registered for college classes in the summer. He is desperately trying to move forward with his life. Picture one of those cartoon characters… feet moving, running on ice and off balance but staying exactly in the same spot. His sister is finishing up her freshman year at The University of Alabama as a pre-med major. She wants to be a pediatrician. How did each of those children come from the same family?
My younger daughter M struggles with her emotions and struggles academically. She is beautiful, compassionate, creative and intensely loves animals. I don’t see her going to a traditional college….something more in a creative field is in her future. My youngest S is very bright but has dyslexia and still does not even come close to reading on grade level. If we can help him over come this disability he will head to college and probably be some kind of engineer, architect or mathematician. For my littlest one S, life will be a struggle to achieve which is so ironic because S is maybe the smartest of all my children. He compensates so well that the core issues of his disability never get addressed. I am hoping new advances in technology will help him navigate the world with dyslexia. An ipad easy app for Dyslexics will make some one billions of dollars.
I no longer have the ability to blindly believe that my children will automatically grow up to do great things and the that the worlds is their oyster and all things are possible. I want to be that young woman again…where did she go?