I really miss her…

Real eggs are dyed, plastic eggs filled with candy, baskets of shiny fake grass prepped and we are ready for an Easter hunt in the morning! I am really trying to be present and in the moment this Easter because I can feel the change coming. No more Easter bunny mystery in our house but My eight-year-old and twelve-year-old are still very excited for tomorrow. I can see my little ones growing so fast and instead of joy there is this melancholy kind of feeling. All I really want for my kids is happiness but I know what the future can bring sometimes. I am not projecting anything but I am not that naive mom anymore and I really miss her.

I miss that woman I was when I was younger and raising my older two. I had absolute blind faith that they would grow up to be great people and the world would be theirs for the taking. After all, we were giving them every advantage to succeed in life. What more could we do? Well, I guess there was more we could do. I am just not sure what, because if I knew, I would do everything in my power to make it right for my younger children. To safe guard them from the possible catastrophic life of an addict. Catastrophic feels like such a strong word but I really feel it is an apt description. Whether an active addict or a recovering addict the destruction is so complete…it is very hard to dig your way back.

J is frozen in time but clean. He has registered for college classes in the summer. He is desperately trying to move forward with his life. Picture one of those cartoon characters… feet moving, running on ice and off balance but staying exactly in the same spot.  His sister is finishing up her freshman year at The University of Alabama as a pre-med major. She wants to be a pediatrician. How did each of those children come from the same family?

My younger daughter M struggles with her emotions and struggles academically. She is beautiful, compassionate, creative and intensely loves animals. I don’t see her going to a traditional college….something more in a creative field is in her future. My youngest S is very bright but has dyslexia and still does not even come close to reading on grade level. If we can help him over come this disability  he will head to college and probably be some kind of engineer, architect or mathematician. For my littlest one S, life will be a struggle to achieve which is so ironic because S is maybe the smartest of all my children. He compensates so well that the core issues of his disability never get addressed. I am hoping new advances in technology will help him navigate the world with dyslexia. An ipad easy app for Dyslexics will make some one billions of dollars.

I no longer have the ability to blindly believe that my children will automatically grow up to do great things and the that the worlds is their oyster and all things are possible. I want to be that young woman again…where did she go?

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About madyson007

I am a mom of 4 who thought she was home free with her oldest son when he went off to college. My serious blunder? Genetics and being naive or maybe just plain stupid.
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7 Responses to I really miss her…

  1. Tori says:

    When I had B going to a therapist one of the things I mentioned was how bad I felt because my 2 boys are from 2 different Father’s and my younger has never struggled with school (until this year when he turned 13 and has become very lazy) but they are so different in every way.

    B is very artistic the typical depressed artist, never did well in school, was always in tutoring and always felt inferior to other kids which I felt was one of the probably many reasons he fell in to drugs. His Father although very nice was not a good Father just a friend yet my younger one has a great Father with married Grandparents who spend a lot of time with him. He has not experienced Divorce and both my Mom and his Grandparents spend a lot of time with him. B had my Mom of course but never his Fathers Parents as the Grandmother died when he was a baby (wonderful lady) and his Grandfather was in a wheelchair with both legs gone due to drinking and died when he was 7.

    Sorry for the long comment as it just struck me when you mentioned how your kids could be so different and from the same family. The Therapist who knows both my children very well told me that they both could have easily had the same Parents and still been complete opposites. I have met quite a few Families where one kid is a Lawyer or Doctor and the other kid is in their 8th rehab.

    I wish we could understand addiction better and find a cure.

  2. Dawn M McCoy says:

    I am so totally with you. I miss the younger, brighter, less jaded me. I hope I am not warping the littles…..

  3. Beeachteacher says:

    We’re parents of 3,… & our oldest (daughter) won awards in 7th grade for having higher SAT scores than h.s. seniors, skipped a grade, graduated 8th in her class of 450, even though she had to go to 3 different high schools, having a military dad, which caused us to move many times. She was also a competitive gymnast, worked part time, took 5 AP classes in 1 year, volunteered, ..yada yada. As a contrast, her younger brother, in his junior year, was heavily using & dealing drugs & had to leave school & go to a 3 mo. Wilderness program for troubled teens. I think they both were compulsive,…but in different directions, obviously. Our middle son was actually in between the 2. Never troubled at the level his younger brother was,..but never as outstanding & accomplished as his sister either. It’s more complicated than parenting,…that’s for sure. That’s why others that haven’t walked in our shoes shouldn’t blame our parenting for our kids’ addictions.

  4. Barbara says:

    I understand what you’re saying about missing the old you. I can’t relate to the rest since I only have one child….and I admit it depresses me sometimes, wishing I had a “normal” one too, but that seems harsh to even say it out loud.

    You’re wise to live in the present. Its really all we have and we miss it if we worry or regret.

    Happy Easter.

  5. Syd says:

    I don’t wander back to “what if” territory much. I stick with making today as good as I can make it.

  6. homedrugtestkit says:

    We have to keep setting the example for our children and much like Syd said, focus on today and making it the best possible day it can be.

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