A bit of a monster…

I love my husband, little gut, greying temples, drinking problems and all. I relinquished my voice. I don’t think he stole it from me and there really is a big difference. I think I am a people pleaser. I am a woman who goes through life trying not to make waves. I trained myself well growing up in a family with an addict who was the focus of my parents attention…I worked hard to be invisible. At some point, pleasing my husband became more important than pleasing my self…maybe not more important but certainly easier. It was a stupid thing to do because now when I feel strongly about something, it is very easy for my husband to dismiss my feelings and it hurts. I have created a bit of a monster. Now it is just a matter of, what he thinks is important just IS, because he thinks it. Nothing is up for discussion any more and that is a very sad reality.

Extracting myself from this position I have put myself in will not be easy. It will not be matter of just finding a voice and using it. My husband is going to be bewildered and resistant. I don’t know if it is worth the effort but I am not sure our marriage will survive if I don’t.

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About madyson007

I am a mom of 4 who thought she was home free with her oldest son when he went off to college. My serious blunder? Genetics and being naive or maybe just plain stupid.
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3 Responses to A bit of a monster…

  1. Sheila says:

    Madyson,

    it is essential to find your voice! Do it for yourself, whether or not it is worth doing it for the marriage.

    The stress of not being heard, not feeling important, not having one’s feelings validated, and letting resentment and anger build up – that’s all incredibly bad for one’s physical and emotional health. Studies have shown that it can lead to depression, high blood pressure, heart disease, etc. I can vouch personally for the depression and high blood pressure.

    I found that not only was I not being assertive with my (now ex) husband, but I also wasn’t asserting myself adequately in my other relationships, with my kid, my boss and coworkers, and my friends. Once I found a new man, I fell right back into the same habit of not expressing myself. It almost destroyed me AND the relationship.

    It’s taken me more than a year to find my voice, and I still backslide sometimes. But I need to keep on trying, because I AM WORTH IT!

  2. Jeff says:

    I’m no philosopher or anything – far from it. But over the years I’ve come up with a list of a dozen or so saying to include: “We teach people how to treat us”. Again I take no credit for these; some are taken or shaped from what others have said. But this is one that fits for so many people. But, see, the hardest thing for anyone often is not fixing or solving the problem, it’s being able to identify or admit it in the first place. You have already done that in many ways and with many different things – hooray for you! Unfortunately, your husband has not, and that may be his hardest part for all of this – admitting any of it, whether it be his drinking problem or anything else. He has come to a place where – his way is the right way. And you know what, it may be. His way really may be the right way – FOR HIM! He gets to keep it that way. It can still be the right way – for him – just not for you or for anyone else. I can tell you that when I learned that, most everything else was pretty easy. I stopped trying to convince my wife that my way was the right way and her way was the wrong way. She got to stop trying to convince me of the opposite. Instead, I get to keep my way as the right way for me and then we work to figure out what the right way for her is. Hope that helps. And if not, just remember, you already got passed the hard part – having the light go on that you’ve lost your voice in the first place. Great job!

  3. Syd says:

    The resentment that comes from walking on eggshells is strong. Having your own opinion and freedom of expression is good. Have a voice. Whether he agrees or not is his problem. And it is good to walk away from the attempts at controlling through argumentative discussions.

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