Dear Recovering Addict that left me a comment,

Please tell me how you really feel…like don’t hold back at all. Oh wait! You already did that…

I am sorry my last post made you angry. I make myself angry with my take on keeping secrets too. If the opposite of proud is ashamed then yes I guess I am ashamed that my son got so caught up in addiction that he was convicted of a DUI and a non-violent drug felony…not to mention addiction almost destroyed an entire family. Guilty as charged. I guess I could blog and pretend I am proud. I could sell you all a bill of goods about how evolved I am. How I can totally detach with love, and everyone from the postman to my co-workers know about “our” story and that I NEVER enable my child but that is not reality. This blog documents my journey. This my perspective.

The reality is that I am not able to break that secret. It is not that I will not share it….I am NOT able to share it. My oldest brother died 23 years ago inside a rehab from a massive seizure brought on by his years of abusing his body and drug withdrawal. I have NEVER shared that story either. In some respect, I have evolved but apparently not as much as some people would like. Enabling is in the eye of the beholder….what I think is enabling may or may not be what another person thinks enabling is. Having said that, I work very hard on not enabling….I often fail miserably.

The problem YOU have, is that you seem to think I am not listening to all the advice I am getting. You are wrong. I am listening. Some ideas I have incorporated into our lives and it has brought change and other advice I have not acted on. It does not mean I am not listening. I can only do what I CAN do. I know I just wrote this a couple posts down but I want to say it again. This blog is not for your entertainment or judgement. It is not a soap opera wrapped up in 10 episodes. It is my LIFE and what IS happening. I share my hopes and dreams and I welcome advice but do not assume that I am stupid or not listening because I do not take action on it.

I am not obligated to act on advice no matter how good your advice is. You only know snippets of the life I share, I am more than J’s addiction, I am more than just a mom and I am more than a deaf idiot who does not know what is good for her or her family. I am just trying everyday to make good decisions…exactly like all of you.

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About madyson007

I am a mom of 4 who thought she was home free with her oldest son when he went off to college. My serious blunder? Genetics and being naive or maybe just plain stupid.
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27 Responses to Dear Recovering Addict that left me a comment,

  1. Ron Grover says:

    You said all that ever needs to be said in your last paragraph.

    There will always be some that disagree, throw stones or even be down right hateful but writing and living this is what happens when we try to make the best of this world we find ourselves in.

    Truth is I have NEVER doubted the love and pride any parent has for their addicted child. To write as we do and open ourselves up it is out of love, not shame. There is enough pain to share, ignore those that bring unwelcome pain.

  2. Helga says:

    Good advice from Ron. You are doing the best you can at any give minute. You are a parent who cares. That is enough, it is all that anyone can expect. You don’t have to defend yourself. Only because we give advice does not mean it works for you or your circumstances. I know this well myself. People ask me why I dont just drive 2 hours to see my daughter after 4 years of no contact. Honestly, I am scared shitless. I am afraid I cannot deal with her anymore. I have been to hell and back due to her addiction. As much as I would love to see her and meet my grandchildren, I am not able to due to self preservation. I know this does not make a lot of sense to some, but as much as want this to be different, I just can’t do it. So there, this is the best I can do. We are all different, but one thing we have in common is that we love our kids. I love my daughter more than anything and this is what makes it hurt so much that I can’t see her. But I will always love her, no matter what happens.

    • madyson007 says:

      Helga this is going to sound like a silly comparison but I am going to give it a try. Every couple of years a child will come into our school and decide they are not going to talk and then they don’t…AT ALL. It starts off innocently enough and probably with not a lot of fore thought on their part. The painful thing about this dilemma is eventually they tire of it and have something they want to share so badly but they can’t. It no longer is a matter of choosing not to talk…they absolutely can not utter a word. At halloween I always ask my music and movement students what they are going to be. They explain with great detail and tremendous joy right down to the color of their shoes what their costume will be. A little girl who would not talk at school, started crying before we even got to her…I realized she was crying because she wanted so badly to tell me what she was going to be but she couldn’t. She just looked at me with these wide eyes filled with tears and and moved her mouth but no sound came out.

      This year she told me with great joy and enthusiasm that she was going to be Tinker Bell complete with a light-up wand and sparkly green ballet shoes. She has been talking ever since. I asked her mother what happened and she said her daughter decided she wanted to speak more than she didn’t…so she did.

      I kind of think that one day that will be you and I. One day I will want to tell my story more than I want to keep it a secret and you will one day want to see your grandkids more than your fear of being a part of your daughters life.

      Just not sure when this will happen for either one of us…

  3. Annette says:

    :o( I hate when we feel like we have to defend ourselves. That is an awful feeling. A sick feeling. I think that most mother’s that are in the situation you and I are in are doing the very best we know how to do, that we are capable of on any given day, despite the impossible dilemma we have found ourselves in. Loving a child yet needing to let them go to find their way, into dangerous murky waters no less.

    I also think that some people are just naturally private. My husband is like that. My son too. I am an open book. That is just me though….we all do it differently, and that is ok. Private people are NOT dishonest people. We all have choices….to tell or not to tell is one of them.

  4. Syd says:

    You know what you are willing to do and what you aren’t. It’s not up to anyone to judge another. We just keep our own side of the street clean and do the best we can. Life throws different types of curves our way. Some I can negotiate well and some are ones that leave me careening and trying not to go over the edge. I do know that I have to take care of myself because if I give myself completely over to the insanity of what alcoholism does, then I am lost.

  5. recovering addict says:

    You are also very defensive. I can see that you probably wont listen to much more of what I have to say because you have already seperated yourself from me, but can you do me a favor and ask yourself this… If J had cancer would you still be ashamed and if you knew that your enabling was making his cancer worse would you still keep enabling?

    • madyson007 says:

      I truthfully would still be very private about it. I am not one to share much about my personal life. I don’t tell my age, my weight…I won’t even tell people what my middle name is. I would support the person with cancer doing everything I could to make good decisions, knowing that is not always possible.

  6. j byrd says:

    I just wanted to say….i just don’t know what i would do with your blog and so many others….

    Normally, i would not cross over and comment about someone else reply, BUT, the reply left by ‘Recovering Addict’, is just that a recovering addict….i read the reply and my first thought was “recovering’ addict; walk a mile in the shoes of the parent(s)/spouse who has to clean up ALL THE MESSSES; you the “recovering” addict has created….

    Please don’t let the reply from Recovering Addict get under your skin, consider the source….

    Thank you again being so open……

  7. lauren says:

    It’s ok to be private and not tell anyone anything. It is your life to live. I tend to tell too much, some times I think it is because I want approval. Someone to tell me I am doing it right. I do not know. But I do know I wish I had not told so many people. People who aren’t experiencing what we are don’t always get is. My husband is the exact opposite. Tells no one anything and I mean anything. When we sent our son to a Therapueitic Boarding shcool for substance abusing teens you had to atttend 6 Families anonymous meetings or 6 Al-anon meetings during a month blackout session when we could not see our son. I went and conitnue going to this day, 6+ years later. My husband did his 6 and never wnet back. Felt he could sit on toilet and talk to himself and get more out of it! He hated it. You are a loving, kind mother doing great by her son! This is hard stuff.

  8. Dawn M McCoy says:

    What they all said <3.

  9. Tori says:

    You don’t have to defend your choices or what you write. However, I feel the same way many times! lol I read the comment and I don’t think she meant to be mean perhaps just the way it was worded came out that way.

    Just because you don’t want to tell everyone about your son’s past does not make it wrong or that you are hiding anything. There are times I regret that I said way too much more so for my son.

    The other side is that I believe she is a recovering addict NOT a POA. Just as we can’t totally understand how the addict feels either in recovery or active, they can’t possible understand how we feel.

  10. Helga says:

    Tori, your last sentence said it all. Thank yo for that.

  11. Dawn says:

    What happened to take what you want and leave the rest? Recovery is a process. Just because you are not willing to share all the details now doesn’t mean you won’t be ready and willing someday. And if that day never comes, that is okay too.

  12. Hi there, i haven’t commented in a while and when i saw the title of this post, like any self centered addict, i thought it was about me. phew it wasn’t, but wow what a comment! you know there is a delete button. just saying..

    anyway i have been following you since ron posted about it a couple years back and i want to tell you that what i have read in your blog is amazing and if you were my mom i would hug you so tight i would never let you go. i wish my mother was as strong as you. i wish i could apologize for the agony and heart wrench you are going through with your baby. today i can only make amends by living a better life. that being said i would like to say that i think you have grown so much since your first blog!! You have learned to set boundaries. and it is ok to share that it still hurts. it is not easy, being a mother of a teenager myself, one who had to endure my using and survive, i can’t get back what i took from her and i can’t fix her problems, i can only try to do better by my little ones who by the grace of god have never known me high. i pray they never will. you are NOT FAILING him. you are doing a great job persevering though such chaos. you are not enabling him, girl you wanna talk enable my father used to drive me to my party places so i wouldn’t get pulled over!!! my mother, bless her heart, i would walk in the house, announce, ‘ignore the 300lb gorilla that just walked in!’ grab a spoon and head downstairs!! i did not have the beautiful parents that knew this was wrong. i don’t blame them either. i am not a victim today. i am a survivor.

    i guess i read your blog because i miss my mom so much, something about the way you write reminds me of the person she could have been. also because i pray for the strength you have should my oldest, who ran away, chooses this path that we all fear.

    i know a LOT of members in recovery, who do not share that they are addicts to their bosses, co-workers, neighbors, or the church they go to. its not being ashamed it is called ANONYMITY. it is not your place to share ‘Js’ troubled past, if you had written that you had, then someone would have complained that you violated his anonymity.

    sometimes addicts just suck, there is no right answer with us sometimes. i have friends with over 10 years clean that have been fired from their jobs because some bozo posted a picture of them on facebook at an NA event and their bosses did not know they were addicts so they fired them. remember there is still a stigma out there. and i am ashamed for what my mother went through all the bs i put her through bailing me out getting her van out of tow, driving two hundred miles to get me out of jail. not cool and very shameful. if you dont show ‘J’ the negative affects of his behavior how is he going to ever see to change them? and i know he see’s that. your lucky it took my father dying for me to hit my bottom, i lost my biggest enabler. they didn’t seem to mind that i used. at least at the time, i surely didn’t see it or feel any remorse.

    holy cow, i just wrote a book!! sorry. you can delete this too.. we addicts get carried away sometimes. anyway love the post, stick to your guns and keep writing!! you are truly a beautiful soul who has shown grace and love throughout this terrible time.

    • madyson007 says:

      Thank you for this comment…you actually made me tear up and feel so much better. Sometime I stop and think is this blog still really helping me, what you made me realize is maybe blogging isn’t just about me.

  13. VJ says:

    What a insightful post! The comments were right on target.

    I just want to thank everyone who shares their experiences.

  14. Barbara says:

    Well said! I agree with many of the wonderful comments above.

  15. Jeff says:

    Okay, so… I have not been back since I left a rather long comment a few days to a week???? ago??? I don’t even remember (it’s been that kinda week). Anyhow, I see this post to “the recovering addict that left me a comment” and I’m like, what???… Huh???…. I could have thought I said I agreed with you and even gave you compliments – at least in my last post I did. I thought, what did I say? So I quickly read back through what I wrote and again thought, huh??? What??? I didn’t say anything all that offencive and mostly agreed and tried to give a little hope.

    LOL All that until I saw another comment from “Recovery Addict”… when the light bulb went on and I thought “Oh, I see, never mind, you weren’t talking about me.” Took me at least a good five minutes to figure it out. For the record, I felt bad for whatever you thought I said (that I didn’t really say).

    Of course the “doubble whammy” was when I read the comment from clean and crazy who said “…when i saw the title of this post, like any self centered addict, i thought it was about me.” LOL. I guess that statement was more true than double knew, because, ME TOO!

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