Please tell me how you really feel…like don’t hold back at all. Oh wait! You already did that…
I am sorry my last post made you angry. I make myself angry with my take on keeping secrets too. If the opposite of proud is ashamed then yes I guess I am ashamed that my son got so caught up in addiction that he was convicted of a DUI and a non-violent drug felony…not to mention addiction almost destroyed an entire family. Guilty as charged. I guess I could blog and pretend I am proud. I could sell you all a bill of goods about how evolved I am. How I can totally detach with love, and everyone from the postman to my co-workers know about “our” story and that I NEVER enable my child but that is not reality. This blog documents my journey. This my perspective.
The reality is that I am not able to break that secret. It is not that I will not share it….I am NOT able to share it. My oldest brother died 23 years ago inside a rehab from a massive seizure brought on by his years of abusing his body and drug withdrawal. I have NEVER shared that story either. In some respect, I have evolved but apparently not as much as some people would like. Enabling is in the eye of the beholder….what I think is enabling may or may not be what another person thinks enabling is. Having said that, I work very hard on not enabling….I often fail miserably.
The problem YOU have, is that you seem to think I am not listening to all the advice I am getting. You are wrong. I am listening. Some ideas I have incorporated into our lives and it has brought change and other advice I have not acted on. It does not mean I am not listening. I can only do what I CAN do. I know I just wrote this a couple posts down but I want to say it again. This blog is not for your entertainment or judgement. It is not a soap opera wrapped up in 10 episodes. It is my LIFE and what IS happening. I share my hopes and dreams and I welcome advice but do not assume that I am stupid or not listening because I do not take action on it.
I am not obligated to act on advice no matter how good your advice is. You only know snippets of the life I share, I am more than J’s addiction, I am more than just a mom and I am more than a deaf idiot who does not know what is good for her or her family. I am just trying everyday to make good decisions…exactly like all of you.