What is the pay-off for nothing…

Ok now let us consider J is not getting a job because he doesn’t want to. Things are to good at home and it is easier for him just to skip the whole job thing. I suppose this is a possibility but the pay off a bed and food just doesn’t seem all that great. Well I guess he has a shower and a TV too. BUT…

He has a beautiful new girl friend who I love and he adores. WE do not give him ANY money. How long does he think he will be able to keep a girl friend with no money? What is the pay off when your friends play poker on Tuesday nights and you can only watch because you can not come up with $10.00 to get into the game. What is the pay off when your friends go out for Monday night football and you can only get a coke from the change you picked out of the dryer, while they eat hot and spicy buffalo wings? What is the pay off listening to your father degrade you everyday because you still have no job? What is the pay off for having no idea how you are going to pay your fines off or if you will ever drive again?

J’s problem is his inability to deal with his past and go in and sell himself as the great package that he really is and make no mistake, sober J is a terrific package. He is intelligent, personable and has a very clean prep kind of look. He has worked since he was 15 right up until he went to college and everything fell apart. He has worked as a waiter, a cashier, and¬†landscaped. He left all of those jobs in good standing. He was not afraid to work. He liked having money, he could call his own.

We are all having trouble reconciling the convicted felon with the boy we knew and the one standing in front of us. He is fearful and ashamed to talk about his past and I really have no advice to give? What is the pay off for not much of anything?

Maybe you all are right…having a warm bed, food and a TV is to much.


About madyson007

I am a mom of 4 who thought she was home free when my oldest son went off to college. My serious blunder? Genetics and being naive or maybe just plain stupid.
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8 Responses to What is the pay-off for nothing…

  1. Connie says:

    It’s so hard to know. Exhausting, isn’t it? I guess the pay-off is not having to face his fears? Fears of being rejected? Fears of having hope? I don’t know, but I do understand your experience. I do understand the crazy struggle to reconcile the felon and the boy you knew and the one standing in front of you. I wish I had answers. You certainly have my prayers.

  2. Beeachteacher says:

    I agree with what Connie said,..just as a guess. Of course, not knowing him nor really having any type of expertise on this,…just having such a struggle in facing himself & the past few years of havoc & destruction can hinder him from doing the work to face his past actions, understand & heal them & be able to move forward, while feelings” ok with himself” inside his head. Is he at least seeing a therapist to sort this all out or heal his past ? It doesn’t sound like he goes to meetings etc. or maybe i just don’t know bout that. I’m not saying NA/AA is the only way for all addicts, but from what I’ve learned, they can’t do it on their own,,,,as in, really recover & find their own peacec& heal their inner pain & insecurities. From what it appears to me(who certainly doesn’t have all the answers at all),…that is the crux of the problems, in addition to their predisposing biology. I hope that J does work on those underlying issues/pain,,as well as have a job that’s right for him,,,very soon.

  3. Dee says:

    I DO think that he wants a job. It is probably the #1 thing on his mind each and every day. The rejection hurts. The idea that finding employment is hard and no one will hire him hurts. The trying to make mom and dad proud when he can’t get hired HURTS. He is stuck and probably feels like a failure. Poor guy – he really needs a break. I pray he finds an opportunity soon…

  4. Syd says:

    People get jobs through networking. If he knew someone who could help him get a foot in the door, the odds would be good that he would get a position. I know that many of the AA’s around here help each other to find jobs. It is a powerful network of people helping others. J’s past doesn’t have to define his future.

  5. Lisa Carp says:

    Syd is right and J will need to figure out who he knows that can help. There are still tens of thousands of people unemployed (with no drug past) that have given up looking for work across the country for all of the same reasons…tired of rejection, feeling frustrated, etc., and they don’t have a past. Hang in there because frankly all of this, and I mean every step is harder on the family then it is on the addict (whether recovering or active).

  6. Jeff says:

    Well this time I am going to agree with much of what you are saying and feeling as well as the others that posted before me (well other than Dee – sorry Dee). I don’t have the answers but I will tell you it CAN BE DONE. It really can. To be certain it is a bit harder in J’s case but I just spoke with a friend whose best friend’s son was just released from federal prison after doing 18 months on drug charges and got a job within two weeks through the halfway house he was at, and then got a better job once he got back home. He had huge motivation as getting a job was his ticket out of the halfway house and back home. See what that motivation did for him? J may want it, he just does not want it bad enough – or he would get it. You describe a bright, smart, kid who knows how to get what he wants. Correct? Even people who have no criminal record often have to apply at 100 or more places in order to land a job. Networking is huge. Having someone who will vouch for him to an employer is huge. The person who suggested volunteer work (on another post) is a great idea. J needs to create a new history. He already has one year. That again is a really big deal – much bigger than a month or two. People, who either get to know him, or already know someone who know’s him will be willing to give him a chance and look past the felony – they really will. He moreso has to sell himself – just like you say.

    The thing I really worry about (being an addict in remission myself) is he does not seem to be doing anything to work on his continued sobriety. People may well see that and it scares the crap out of them. If they are not hiring J due to his past, it is not because they are worried, concerend or upset about what he did – They are not. Some could care less. Instead they are worried, concerened or upset he may do it again sometime in the future. That’s the problem. He needs not at all to convince them that what he did was not all that bad. Don’t even bother. Give them that one. Give them that what he did really was bad – he now knows it is and takes steps daily to make sure if will never happen again. Once they trust that to be the case, they will hire him. At this point, it is not the case and he really is in danger of a relapse – not on the edge, not a day away, but he is much more likely than the other guy who works on staying healthy and sober each and every day.

    So, what’s my point? I guess if anything it is to let both you and J know it can be done. Many, many other addicts have done it and so can J. It may be a bit harder for him than the non-addict, non-felon, but it can be done. I am an example, both of my doctors are examples. They both practice as addicts in remission, both with criminal records due to their addiction. Once is likely putting people to sleep for surgery as I type this and they have no idea of his past – even though his employers do. One of the guys in an on-line group I’m part of runs the entire IT department at the company he works at. He did 17 years for his past. I could go on and on with examples. J’s past really is not a deal breaker. J’s past will not hold J back once he decides he no longer will let it hold him back. My point is, just know, anyone like J can do it – even with their past. Many people really are willing to forget and overlook the past – so long as it never again happens in the future. So, whether or not J WILL do this may be a different story, but he CAN Mom. He really can. Don’t let his past be his get out of jail free card, mom (oh and you too Dee)

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